February holiday reflection

I was going through some of my early notes on Facebok, and it helped me realize two things. First, it made me realize how much I use to like blogging reflections, where I can just talk about what's on my mind. In the past years, due more homework and more friends than high school, I haven't been able to blog as much I can. This past summer I set up a vlog, or video log, to try to achieve the same reflective process without the time-consuming writing. But it seems like the medium doesn't matter. Either way, both take time, and I've had problems to find the time. So now that I have found a little time, let's talk. The second realization I came to while reading my old Facebook notes was what month we're in: February. A few of my earliest notes were about Valentine's Day and dating. Ok, I know this is a big "duh" but Valentine's Day happens every February. Thus, February becomes a hard month for me because it seems that no matter what my relationship status has been in the 6 months before, I always end up single by that day. So a month that has a holiday that glorifies couples is hard on the single man. I praise God that quizzing in during February because quizzing takes mind off of the holiday less and put it on quizzing more. But still, February is always the hardest month, and leads to a lot of reflection on the subject of relationships. So between reading my old blog, and thinking about how I feel now, there's a lot on my mind.

When I last time had a serious sit-down reflection time, I only had two ex-girlfriends, one from a 1-month relationship and another from a 10-day relationship. As weird as this sounds, that was when things were simple (and I use this term loosely). Why do I say things were "simple" back then? Because from that point on, things got complicated quickly. After my second ex-girlfriend dumped me, I then went a couple dates with another girl, but we stopped things before we got into a relationship, realizing both of us were still attached to our ex-es. Shortly after, my second ex-girlfriend and I tried to get back together, only to fail trying to pick things back up from where we left off, leading to us ending it permenantly (she would find a new boyfriend in a week). After that, I found myself taking interesting and flirting with two non-Christian girls over the summer, with both of them overlapping for a short time. With each one we tried to work things out, and I even went on a date with one of them, but when summer ended, so did any relationships with them (more about that later). Because four times with 4 girls (including the 2nd ex trying to get us back together) turned out a disaster, it gave me bitterness in my heart for women. All hope seemed lost until I started talking to a facebook friend I hadn't talked to in a while. We started talking more often, starting texting, and she really helped get rid of those bitter feelings about girls. We hit it off, and soon after the fall semester, we started dating. This 3rd girlfriend would last longer the second one, but not as long as the first. I considered the relationship ended when the year ended because that was the last time we really saw and talked to each other. It dragged out another 2-3 months, with me trying to win her back and her pushing away. It wasn't until late February or early March that everything ended. She said the break-up was "kinda mutual" but I feel like she wanted to dump me, but didn't have the guts to do it, so she pushed me away until I forced to do it myself, possibly so she could pose as the victim who was dumped. But that's not the issue. The issue is that 2-3 months in limbo with a "complicated relationship" (whatever that means, facebook) ended up giving me more bitterness towards women, added to 2 other ex-girlfriends and 3 girls who were something between "friend" and "possible girlfriend" (maybe that's what facebook means with "complicated relationship"). This scarred me enough to not have any interest in women at all for a couple months (aesexual, not homosexual). And then in August, something happened to me that has not happened since April 2006: I was rejected when I asked a girl out. And relationship-wise, I feel like innocence is lost, in terms of optomistic hope.

Why do I mention this to you? Why go through a somewhat embarrassing history of the relationships I've been through? Because all the questions that go through my mind have been caused by these past relationship. The first question is more an attack on Calvinism, or pre-destination in general. If you Calvinists, or anyone who believes in predestination say God has planned everything in our life, and if you believe every good thing is from God, and that God does not create evil, then has God planned, designed and predestined me to be in failed relationships? Does God predestine breakups? Does God want me to go out with girls, well-knowing it won't last and will end in a painful breakup? See, I can't say that because I don't believe it. Partially because I believe a girl and I have chosen each other when we date, but more because I believe God cannot be the cause of any evil, which includes the depression that comes with the break-ups. But I also believe that God can, and does, take an evil, and make good come out of it. God does not want me to be in failed relationships, but when he allows me to do so, he has made sure I've learned a lesson to prevent further hurt in the future. Let me tell you.

The first lesson is that the faith is not worth giving up for girls. This will give me time to explain the sumer of the non-Christian girls. After a disaster of my second girlfriend (who was Christian) dumping me, a failed attempt to start a relationship with a Christians girl, and then my second girlfriend trying to restart our relationship, only to leave again, not only made me upset about girls, but upset about Christian girls. To me, it seemed these Christian girls were not acting Christian in the areas of flirting, dating and breakups. And it got me wondering, "Why is it a big deal to make sure I'm dating another believer if she's just going to act like a non-believer? Might as well date a non-believer. At least I can say she doesn't know better." Another lure was the fact that these non-Christian girls liked things that most typical Christian girls don't like (not saying they are sinful activities; just something not sinful that it seems like Christian girls aren't interested in). The one girl liked football. The other girl liked video games. It's hard enough find a girl who likes football or video games; it's even harder finding a CHRISTIAN girl who likes video games or football. The fact that they had something in common with me that was hard to find among the Christians is what enticed me. I knew what the Bible said about uneven yoking, but I went hoping that I would convert them to Christians through dating them, also known as evangedating. But by being a witness, I got two different reactions. The one girl was indifferent. When I told her about my faith, she said she had no experience with the church or the faith, but she said, and I quote, "I'll try for you." That quote is what stuck with me, resonated with me, and led me to ending things. If she attempted to be a Christian, it was for the wrong reason - me. Her faith would never be genuine. I ended things, and prayed a true Christian would truly win her over to the faith. The second girl was much different. She wasn't just non-Christian, she was an atheist. She didn't believe in God. So it started out with (and these are all paraphrases of long conversations) "well, you can have your beliefs, and I have mine", which went to midway"you can be religious in work and at church, but not when you're around me" which went to "it's either God or me". Praise be to God this is when he smacked me across the head by pointing out that obvious warning sign. We ended it. Through both reactions, I learned that summer that my faith could not be separated from my dating. In the long run, dating a non-Christian will never work out; it would cause conflict later on. Also, being a man whose head is always in the Bible, I realized how much I missed being able to have conservations about the Bible, theology and doctrine. I could never have that with a non-Christian. Besides, in the future, it would cause raised eyebrows by future employers and church pastors/elders, and could hurt finding a job or a ministry if they know I am married to a non-Christian.

Side note on that. When I look back on my "dating history" I am reluctant to show the embarrassing failed relationships. I do wonder how they make me look. It's not out of a selfish concern over my self-image; it's a concern over my witness of Christ. As a Christian, Jesus calls be to bear His image. When people see me, they should see Jesus. Do I represent Jesus well 3 ex-girlfriends and 3 complicated relationships, with the longest serious relationship lasting no more than a month? The time factor makes it worse. If someone were to know that I had 2 ex-girlfriends and 3 complicated relationships within 14 months, what does that make me look like? Does it make me look like I'm girl crazy? Does it make me look like a pimp or man-whore? With my closest friends I have explained what happened so this image doesn't come across because it's simply not true. Before graduating high school, I only had one girlfriend. In between the serious girlfriends, at least a year has gone by (that pattern is still continuing - 14 months since my last girlfriend). Why so much time? I don't easily get over girls, it takes me a while, because I care about them as people. I feel like I might possibly making the mistakes most people make whne they start dating in high school. Because I really didn't date in high school, I might be making those critical mistakes in college. But that's another point; let's keep going in order.

The second lesson is that the ministry is not worth giving up. This one was learned with my second girlfriend. She told me about her dreams of living in New York City, with her two children and her 2 dogs, as a veterinary assistant. But I know from previous experiences (which was verified to me during missions week this year), that I am to stay put in Pennsylvania, and not go any further out of state than Ohio. This was an obvious conflict that I knew about, even before we officially started dating. But silly me was so enraptured by the thought of finally having a girlfriend after so long, my hopes were similar to that of the non-Christian girls I liked: over time I hoped I could convince them to leave their plans for me. Looking back, I know the thought was stupid, but my dreams were too loud to listen. Even when things didn't work out the first time around, when I had a glimmer that she was coming back, I ignored the different future plans factor and went back to her. It's not until the following fall I learned that this lesson. That's why I was so sure girlfriend number 3 was the one- our futures didn't collide, but meshed well. And today I can tell you that I have learned that lesson. During the Israel trip I took an interest in a fellow student who was also part of the trip. She studied abroad the fall semester and when she was back in the spring, I was glad to see her. But talking to her, I learned God has given her a heart to serve in Europe. Far be it to me to steal her away from her calling, nor should I rebuke my calling for her. God has wonderfully equipped us and specially called us all for His workmanship in the world, which we will be rewarded for in heaven. Why give it up for marriage, which is temporary? Why give it up for one spouse, while with another spouse, we could have both?

The third lesson I've learned is to learn from my mistakes. As I have already pointed out, mistakes include attempting to date girls with different faiths and different ministries and different future plans. But I've also learned more than that. I'm a guy who needs closure. When a girl breaks up with me, I need to know why. What did I do wrong? Is there anything I could do better? The first girlfriend ended it because while I listened well, I didn't talk enough, and thus it seemed like I was uninterested in her and her life. The second girlfriend told me that while we talked enough about her, she really didn't hear about me a lot. She even said, "You sound like an interesting person, but you never took the initiative to tell me about yourself." The third girlfriend told me that I wasn't social enough for her, especially around her friends. Not keep these all in mind. Did ex-gf no. 2 complain that I was too quiet and didn't talk to her enough or I didn't seem interested in her? No because she could not. I made sure I keep the conservation going, especially asking how her life was going. Did ex-gf no. 3 complain that I was too quiet around her, that I didn't seem interested in her, nor did I not talk about myself? No, no, and no. I made sure that I kept the conservation alive, balanced between talking about herself and myself. See I have learned from my mistakes. I sometimes imagine that one day my first and second ex-girlfriend meet, and somewhat realize the common connector is that they dated. As they talk about their experiences, the first ex-gf says, "yeah, but i broke it off because he never talked enough, and I didn't know if he was really concerned about me" and the second ex-gf replies, "what are you talking about? He was always talkative, especially about me." The 1st ex-gf, instead of waiting for me to change, decided to give up instead, and missed out on a possible improved relationship. Now ex-gf 2 and ex-gf 3 meet. Once again, they talk and find out they both dated me, and start talking about that. All of a sudden, ex-gf 2 says, "yeah, but I broke it off because he never talked about himself enough" to which no. 3 replies, "What are you talking about? Graham was talked about himself, just as much as me. Our conversation was a healthy balance between the two." Ex-gf no.2 missed out on an improved relationship because moving on was better than waiting. And now if I ever find another girlfriend, if my 3rd ex-gf were to dare complain that I wasn't social around her friends, the new girlfriend would reply, "What are you talking about? He's good friends with my friends, too." I even told my 3rd ex-gf that, but she was done waiting, and just moved on. And it hurt when I found out she didn't want to wait. It's like I said above, since I didn't date during high school, I'm still working out the "bugs" that someone usually has when he starts dating. I'm learning lessons, I'm learning what works and what doesn't, and I'm waiting for the woman who will accept that.

Yet while I have learned those 3 helpful lessons, still more questions pop into my head. While I'm learning what works and what doesn't, I'm still clueless. I'm still asking myself, "What worked? What didn't? What needs to change? What should stay the same?" The worse part is that it seems like the in the case of either/or, neither works. Neither the girl I know well nor the girl I hardly know works. Neither the girl with many similarities nor the girl with few similarities work. Neither the girl with many friends nor the girl with few friends work. Neither the girl with many common friends as I nor the girl who doesn't know any of my friends work. Neither the desperate-for-a boyfriend nor the happy-single work. Neither the popular, nor the artistic, nor the intellectual, nor the preppy, nor the skater, nor the spiritual, nor the girly, nor the tomboy, no the sportsy, nor the musical, nor the dramatic, nor any girl from any clique works. I'm almost at the point where I might just try to talk a girl into working into building a relationship from nothing but the basis of that we're both Christian. But on the other side of that, I sometimes wonder if relationships, both serious and complicated, failed because of stumbling on one point; they were unwilling to accept me for who I was on one point. Do I change that? If I do, I might cease to be me, and thus become uncomfortable with myself. If I don't, I have to better accept when I lose a girl. I do have a list of 8 things that I look for in a girl. That alone leads to questions: Are these in stone or flexible? Do I need all reached, or will half reached or a quarter reached be good enough? This all seems self-centered, which leads me to a second question...

What do I have that I can offer girls? This might seem like a simple question, but it's harder than you think. I struggled with this every Valentine's Day, like I did in my last Valentine's Day blog. Sure I can say, "I'm a good Christian" but there's tons of guys who are. What do I have? I'm not athletic nor artistic. I don't have good looks or a fit body. I'm barely paying through college, so I don't have money, in the present and near future. I got nothing that attracts girls. In fact, sometimes I feel like I have more detering factors that I do helping factors. For the most part, I am introverted, while most girls are extraverted. I like keeping to myself, while most girls like being social. Girls want someone who is social with them, not keeps to himself. Girls like costly gifts, I can barely afford to pay bills, nor spend money on myself. Girls like strong men who can save them and I am weak and have problems with practical issues. Girls are emotional, and I'm more intellectual. Girls like things like proms, formals, and banquets, and I feel uncomfortable at those events. After thinking about these, I feel like I got notihng. Don't get me wrong, I like who I am because I recognize this who God made me to be. That's not the issue. The issue is if the girl likes me for how God has made me.

I also can't help but ask if the failed relationships is a sign that God wants me to be single, and by attempting to date, I am holding a high hand against him and sinning against His Will for my life. Once against, I know that sounds like a little but of Calvinistic predestination, but it might have some truth. I cannot go fully on free will on this issue. For example, let's say by my free will I choose that I want to get married and have a family. What if no one wants to marry me? Then my free will is being violated. My choice to be married is denied, and it is out of my control. But I know God is control. So can he plan for me to be married, which sounds a little more like Calvinism. Either way, we need to recognize that God has commands for everyone of every relationship status, whether single, dating, engaged, marrried, divorced or widowed. I can spout of Bible passages. In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul tells us it is better to be single than to be married. In Luke 20, Jesus says that in the new heaven and new heart, there is no marriage. In Matthew 19:11-12, it even sounds like God has predestined some to be single. Those verses all seem to be supporting singlehood over marriage. But there is still some "on the other hand..." Maybe Paul in 1 Corinthians 7, while favoring singlehood, is trying to get across the message, "whatever your relationship status is, use it for the glory of God." And if you look closely at the Matthew 19:11-12 passage, it uses the term "eunuch" as in "God has made some eunuchs" If that is true, then if God has predestined people to be single, it sounds like those predestined single people have no sex drive at all. There is not attraction to the opposite sex at all. Where am I in that mix? While sometimes annoyed at women enough that I want to be single, my heart sometimes still longs for a girlfriend and hopefully one day a wife. But as I have been reminded this week, sex itself is not evil, but it can lead to evil things. Maybe I'm suppose to be resist any attraction to the opposite sex and focus on being single to increase the ministry. But the same time, more doors might be opened to me for ministry as a married because most churches seek couples to lead ministry, for that balance of male and female. Maybe I was suppose to be only dating girls for a time, so they can be edified somehow through our short term lesson and move on to bigger things and to a good husband.

It sometimes seems that way, no lie. Fact: starting with my first girlfriend, all my ex-girfriends, those 3 girls I was in complicated relationships with and even the girl I asked out last summer all have boyfriends. As a matter of fact, the first complicated relationship is actually married. But yeah, my first girlfriend is moving in with her on-and-off boyfriend of 1-2 years (please pray for her, as she is spiritually wayward). My 2nd girlfriend has been dating the guy she started dating a week after ending it the second time with me for 2 years in April. My 3rd ex-girlfriend has been dating the guy she started dating a month or two after we were done for 11 months. They'll probably get married once he's out of the military. Both the non-Christian girls have boyfriends, too, both over half a year. I can't help but feel like Good Luck Chuck. For those of you unfamiliar with the plot line for the movie Good Luck Chuck, every time Chuck sleeps with a woman, she finds her true love with another guy. Ok, not a perverted, but it seems like all my ex-es find true love after going through me (I should almost make this a service). Maybe it just helps them realize they're not as desperate as they thought they were, maybe it helps them realize more what they want or don't want in a boyfriend and find it in the next guy. Whatever the cause, it seems like my ex-es do better than I do. And another thing, they seem to rebound faster than I do. I takes me a year to fully get over it and be brave enough to take an interest in another girl. The girls seem to find a new guy in less than a month, a matter of weeks. I take so long because my past relationships meant something to me. Did our relationship ever mean anything to her?

But the biggest question that I have to ask myself is "why is this an issue?" If you remember from my blog my freshman year, I said that I was finally satisified being single when I had friends, especially ones who were also satisfied being single too. I can't help but think that my insecurity in relationships comes from the insecurities living here at my dorm. This is probably the first semester, and maybe even the first year (this semester and last semester) that I did not want to be in my dorm or on campus. It's tough for me living in my quad. In one dorm I got a legalistic pastoral student who puts down anyone who doesn't share his exact beliefs, including his own roomate. In the other dorm, I got a guy who always thinks my music is too loud, especially on Guitar Hero, when I play it nowhere as near as loud as I do at home. In my whole section altogether, it seems like they spend hours playing Super Smash Brothers Brawl in a loud, obnoxious fashion. I know this might sound selfish, but it makes it so hard to do homework or sleep. Plus, playing the Wii is a huge stress reliver for me. But it seems whenever I might have the small chance to play Wii, they always are playing their 50th round of Brawl. I also got a section who likes open dorms to allow girls to come in. My dorm and my quad is my "manctuary," where I can get away from girls and couples. I feel like my "mantuary" is breeched and defiled when they enter. Every time I feel like I have leave my safe haven. Even my own roommate sometimes gets on my nerves. From his anger issues to crazy ideas, I have found myself frustrated with him. I've been spending more times at Lou's place. It's gotten so bad that I actually enjoyed being home winter break. Not the fact that I was at home, but rather I just wasn't in this quad for a month. I don't mean to point any fingers of blame at people, because I'm not. What I'm really doing is pointing the finger back to myself. Have I really become intolerant of people's views, feelings and actions that I can no longer live with them too long? I once heard that parallel living with someone during the college years was to prepare me for living with a spouse for the rest of my life. I seem to be failing. It's been 2 years and I'm having problems with my roommate, even to the point he keeps asking me if I want to "divorce" him. On one night when I was open to him, I had to ask him, "If it wasn't an issue of money, and if we had known each other sooner, would you have roomed with me all 4 years?" which led me to ask "Am I someone that another person can live with?" Sadly I am at the point where I have to answer "no." I easily get sick of being around too long. Combing intolerance of the guys I am with now, and the short term relationships, both serious and not, I was in, I have this utter fear that even if I get married, my wife will be demanding a divorce in a year or less because I have become unable to live with anymore. That is my fear.


See, the problem is I have is two contradicting fears: the fear of people and the fear of being alone. The fear of people is an intellectual fear - I'm always thinking that people are judging me, so I withdraw so they have nothing to judge. The fear of being alone is an emotional fear. My heart longs for emotional intimacy with someone of the opposite gender. The funny things is that the emotional fear is contradicted by the intellectual, but the intellectual fear is defended by the emotional. Intellectually, I realize I am happier by myself, and it is the emotional side that is just saying I hate being alone. But both my heart and my mind tell me to withdraw to avoid judgment. (But even more ironic my mind is starting to think by withdrawing I'm bringing that same judgment on myself.). This also isn't helping my dating life. Because of my fear of people and rejection, I withdraw and spend little time with people, and even less time with girls. If I don't even hang around girls, what's the odds of finding a girlfriend? Slim to none.


I think another contradiction is that while I want a girlfriend, I have a problem with women. Between my short relationships, show-off couples, and dimishing female friendships, I really don't like girls anymore. Now let's make sure you understand what I am saying. I am aesexual, not homosexual. When I say I don't like girls anymore, that doesn't mean I like boys instead. I do not like either, hence aesexual, meaning "without sexual desire". It is funny, though. Twice in my life I was accused of being gay. The first time was in middle school and the underclassmen years of high school. Because I spent more time with girls than boys, and that I was never flirty around the girls, but just their friends, and girls in 6th-10th grade spend a lot of time talking about boys, others assumed that I hung around them because I was gay and liked talking about boys, too. On the contrary, I was very interested in girls, had many crushes, and would talk to these female friends about these girls just as much as I listened to them talk about boys. The second time was my freshman and sophomore year of college. When some saw that I hung around guys all the time, spent little to no time with women, and when I was around girls, I wasn't openly flirting with them, they concluded I must be gay. This is a horrible assessment because I had two girlfriends during those years. What I find wrong with both of them is the expectation that if a man is talking to a woman, he must be fliriting with her, for there is no other reason to for a guy to talk to the opposite gender. Can't a boy and a girl merely be friends? Apparently not. That brings up another issue why I'm not too fond of women right now. It seems like that every time a female friend of mine gets a boyfriend, she stops talking me to and cuts off any friendship. It has led me to conclude either she is flirting with me when single and I am too stupid to recognize it, or that when these girls starting dating a guy, their boyfriend expects them to cut off all relationships with any guy who is not related to her. I don't know the cause, but I do know the effects. As my female friends find boyfriends, they dwindle down. So not only do I not have a girlfriend, I don't any friends who are female. Without any kind of connection like that, I am doomed to remain single. Excuse me for going on a tangent with that, back on subject. Like I said way above, when the Christian girls would act like non-Christian girls pre-dating, dating and post-dating, I became upset with them. When girls around campus are openly flaunting their relationships, I get angry at that girl (funny thing is I never get angry at the guy. I see him more as a victim of her.). Whenever a female does talk to me about her relationship issues, I automatically side with the guy, no matter how little I know him. I even sometimes slip with my tongue and call a woman a "ho" instead (never to their face or in public, but when referring to them privately around guys). How can I want to date when I get upset with woman? Because there is a very small glimmer of hope in my heart, that one day I will stop meeting "hos" and meet a woman. Yet don't get me wrong, my frustration with women is a mere relationship thing. I reject any of these views for women in the church, in the ministry, in the classroom and in the workplace. I treat them with respect and honor and with equality.


But still sadly I've become cold to relationships. I take bets on how long a relationship will last. I don't know what to say to people about relationships. When my sister announced to my family when her last relationship ended, I said, "Lasted longer than I thought." When two of my friends got engaged, the best that came out of my mouth "Ok." OK?? At least I didnt do what was on my mind: say to the bride-to-be, "Congratulations!" the said to the groom-to-be, "Terribly sorry." To me I see guy with a girl and think, "Game over." Back in high school I was jealous of guys who had girlfriends. Now I find myself feeling betrayed by them. I feel like they betrayed mankind (as in guys, not humankind) for a girl. I think it goes back to see the guy as the vicitm of the girl. There's this one girl is half my classes I can't stand. She is freshman girl ENGAGED to a freshman guy. She is the worst of the show-off couples And for some reason she has to tell everyone in every class how the process is going. Hello?! Not eveyone cares. Personally, I don't give a crap. I'm pretty sure that someone else who has relative dying is more important than finding your perfect wedding cake. The worst part concerns my third ex-girlfriend. Her boyfriend is in the military. I wanted her back so bad that at sometimes I had the uriah and bathsheba idea in the back of my head. I wanted to call the military and tell them to station her boyfriend in the front line at the worse places in Falleujah. It's when you hit the bottom that you finally realize how bad you are. That wouldn't make her come back, and even if it did, I would have gotten her in the wrong way, just like I did the first time. To hate couples is wrong. It would be better to tunnel vision and not see them instead of wanting the worse to happen them.

See, I told you I haved a lot on my mind. So where does this leave me? Good question. When seeking advice about it, I get the answer "Pray about it." This answer has Biblical principles, but it also seems like the automatic, generic Christian response. I can say "Pray about it" for jobs, ministries, girlfriends, best friends and other troubles. What specific advice is for this specific trouble? At least they could be a little more specific than "pray for God's will" or "Pray for a girlfriend." And that answer doesn't help either when I feel guilty for praying for what I think is a selfish reason, when there are people in the world without food, water or homes. What more can someone give me? Something that did help was a book I borrowed from a friend. It is Sex God by Rob Bell. Don't get confused by the title; the book and chapter title is just to get your attention. Only a third of the book is really about sex. Another third is about our gender in relation to God and the other third about male-female relations in general. In the book, Rob Bell looks at those Matthew 19, Luke 20 and 1 Corinthians 7 passages about singleness and compares them to passages about marriage and married couples. Rob Bell makes many statements, but three consecutives statements about my singlehood stuck out to me. First, I am not missing out. Second, God is not holding me back. Third, God has something better planned. Those "pro-single" verses (I use that term loosely) make marriage kind of belittles marriage (I also use that term loosely so it doesn't sound like I'm giving thumbs up for sexual promiscuity. I'm not). Thus, I can't be missing out on something in marriage. Therefore, no one, including myself, should look down on my because I am single. I am nothing less, with or without a girlfriend. God is not using my single status as a curse. There is no curse in being single. In fact, Paul says the being single is easier than marriage (1 Corinthians 7:25-35). So God is not to be blamed for being single. Paul also mentions that those who are single can use the benefit of being single to glorify God by being more flexible for God's plans in the ministry. I can see truth in that already. Remember what I said all the way up top? What did I say made Valentine's Day easier for me? I was quizzing. Everyone who knows me how much my heart is in quizzing. I know that sometimes quizzers who have boyfriends/girlfriends the same time they have quizzing come upon a dillema. They have to find a way to please the boyfriend/girlfriend and meet the quizzing standards. Their interets are divided (another 1 Corinthians 7 quote, lol). I had no such problem, and I put my focus into quizzing for the Lord. And with all my faith in the Lord, I believe it will be true for the rest of my life. If I remained unmarried and single for the rest of my life, God will take the time, money and love I would put forward to a wife and children and put to good use, maybe with quizzers, students or someone I'm mentoring, or even a church or ministry as a whole. Intellectually, in my mind, I know it's true. It's a head truth. Now it's a matter of making it a heart truth: a truth that is emotionally true in my heart. I was struggle with that. Sometimes when I see couples, or even just starting thinking about how single I am, I have to close my eyes, plug my ears, and repeat those 3 statments over and over again. The problem is never that I'm thinking too much, but that I'm not thinking about the right things. I take my thoughts off of God and put it on being single. This is when my walls are down, and Satan tempts me to leave the Lord and the ministry for girls. But I've learned my lesson, that neither God nor the ministry is worth giving up for a girl. So I have to patiently wait for a woman where I am not put in a place to decide either God or girl. Because every time God will win, and the girl will lose. Sometimes I feel like crying out to Jesus what Peter once said to Jesus (in a totally diferent context), "I have left everything to follow You!" and Jesus replies somewhat the same as he did to Peter, "You left that relationship for the kingdom of God" Sounds like a fair trade off to me.

Thank you for putting up with me in so many ways. And if you don't like what I have to say, I'm going to make the same defense my roomates says: "Don't pay any attention to anything I say after 1 in the morning" :-P

An uphill battle

On Sunday, Conestoga had 3 matches at Lancaster Mennonite. As the night would go on, each of the quizmatches would get tougher as we would have to face a harder team. On that Sunday afternoon, the quiz team met at Julia Yoder's at 2 PM. A few of us had to circle around her road a couple of times to find her house. We practiced in fron the of the fire place. Amanda found one of those old-fashion foot massagers and she had it under her feet most of the time. For Kristy and Denise, who weren't at practice on Wednesday, I updated them where we were in our standings and what are goal was: to get at least 5 team bonuses by the end of the year. We went over 4 rounds of new questions, taking a break halfway through. During our break, I introduced the quizzers to Lightning Reaction Extreme, a game that shocks the slow buzzers. I know a lot of people who fear this game, but the younger quizzers seemed to like it. We ended our practice with one match of all the questions that were missed on Wednesday. This was good for Kristy and Denise to hear those questions. Denise got a little bit frustrated wtih some of my questions, but I insisted it was learning the material. Julia Yoder served us a wonderful breakfast for dinner: blueberry pancakes, bacon fresh fruit and fresh vegetables. I had to leave for a quizcoach meeting at 5:45, so I left the quizzers early, letting them to their own devices.

I got to the coach's meeting right at 5:45 p.m. I think I might enjoy coach's meeting a little too much. Coach's meetings are like a rite of passage to me now. It represents that I have grown up and I am truly the coach now. But the coaches meeting was nothing overly exciting. We discussed what worked, what didn't, and what was going to happen for the final season playoffs, the ACC Tournament, and the Invitational in Kidron, Ohio. The meeting got over at 6:20, 5 minutes after worship started, so I had to go through quite the search to find my quiz team. When I found them, I joined them in worshipping the Lord. Then the typical announcement and joke, then all of us left the auditorium at once. In the midst of trying to get through the crowd, I thought I spotted out of the corner of my eye someone I knew. It was someone I knew! It was Coach Dave and Coach Vicki from Spring City! I darted through that crowd so fast so I could hug them (although it seemed to end up to be more of a tackle). I was so glad to see them. They said they hoped to come to more matches, but they had to go to ministry committee meetings, so they couldn't come to as much as they like, but here they were. I couldn't wait for them to come to Conestoga's matches.

Conestoga's first match was during the second round against Hinkletown 1. When Erik Zimmerman from Hinkletown 1 buzzed in on the first question and got it right, I was worried. Hinkletown 1 was below us in the standings and the easiest match we'd have all night. If we lost this match, it could really damper spirit. But there was nothing to worry about, for Denise quizzed out by question 7, and Justin followed by quizzing out on question 8. This allowed both Amanda and Meredith in to help us for team. After Justin quizzed out in question 8, Kristy and Joy got the next 2 questions correct after buzzing in, giving us team bonus on question 10. We had the four quizzers for team bonus, but it didn't stop there. Amanda buzzed in on question 11 answered correctly with "Paul was abnormally born." It was funny because Amanda told us in practice her favorite phrase for this week was "abnormally born." The match wasn't over yet. Joy quizzed out on question 14, and Amanda got the last question, also a buzz-in. The end score was in Conestoga's favor, 155 to 20. This was our best match by far all season.

Conestoga's second match was against Zion 2, who were slightly ahead of us in the standings. I had watched two of their matches, and it seemed like they were evenly matched to me. It was all a matter of Zion gettig team bonus. I recognized Joel and Ben as younger siblings from older siblings I quizzed along side of. It was pretty close for the first few questions. After six questions, it was Zion 2 - 40, Conestoga - 20. Even with Joel from Zion 2 quzzzing out on question 8, the 35 point deficit was not putting down the team. Sure enough, Zion 2 got four of their quizzers to get a correct buzz-in and got team bonus. I just urged them to stay strong and still get the most points they can. And that's exactly what they did. Denise quizzed out on question 12, and Joy followed, quizzing out on question 14. Justin kept at it by getting the last question correct. Conestoga did lose the match, but did earn 80 points, which technically above our average.

The third match was consective to our second match. The opponent was RiverCorner, 3rd place in our league. Their top quizzer was one away from perfect. Yet she seemed a little tipsy off of Mountain Dew. She did get the first two questions right, one a buzz in and one a bonus. But on questions 3 and 5 she errored, which Denise was able to get one of them correct. The reason she couldn't get in on question 4 was because Denise got the buzz-in correct. With her two errors, RiverCorner called a timeout after question 5, and pulled her. At that point, the score was tied with 20 points each. But after timeout, the team was refreshed. RiverCorner answered 6 of the next 7 questions correct, all buzz-ins. In that, they got team bonus and 2 quiz outs. Joy buzzed in on the last two questions, getting one right, and erroring on the other. After a close start, RiverCorner won, 110 to 40.

So after Sunday night, Conestoga's average went up from 78 to 81. Yet we stayed the same in standings, in slot 11. Denise is now 20th in the Top 50 Quizzers List. And after Justin's quiz out and Joy quiz outs, the two of them are now in Top 100. Next week we have the oppurtunity to go up in the standings.

This is how you end the first half of the season

On this Valentine's day, the quizzing material was 1 Corinthians 11:17 to 14:25, which includes 1 Corinthians 13, the chapter known for love. Fred said he didn't do that on purpose, but who knows. Quiz practice was at the Essicks. Because they had limited parking space due to the snow, we all drove up in Justin's car, and the Beams met us shortly later. As a Valentine's gift, I told the quizzers I would give them a piece of dark chocolate if they answered a good buzz-in correctly. Candy was flying everywhere in practice. Practice went ok. We got off 4 new matches, and did a match of missed questions. Amanda knew her lists, but seemed to be missing simple bonuses. Kristy seemed absent for many questions and her column would go blank for questions. Denise was quizzing out, and so was Joy. Justin would either quiz out or error out. We studied our best, had dinner, and left for quizzing.

We got to Neffsville at 6:15, just in time for worship to start. Right after worship, announcements, and joke. Then once 6:30 came around, it was time for Conestoga to quiz. Our first round match was against Petra 2. This match some of my quizzers were looking forward to because they had a friend on the team. Other quizzers were not looking forward to it because Petra 2 was the no. 1 team in our league. Again, for the holiday, I gave all the quizzers a duct tape rose to put with their nametag. Not really wanting to do it, but needing to, I started Amanda over Kristy because Kristy wasn't getting a lot and I needed someone who knew the lists in starting just in case the list questions came early. I told them to just do their best, score as much as they can, and rely on God's strength. The first half of the match was pretty close. Both Denise and Joy got 20 points. On Petra 2's side, they had their perfect quizzer quiz out. But by the end of question 9, it was only 45-40 Petra 2. On question 10, Denise errored, Nadine on Petra 2 got the bonus, and the match swung in Petra 2's favor for the rest of the match. Petra 2 buzzed in on every question, getting team bonus. On the last question, Kristen from Petra 2 errored, and Amanda got the bonus right. We lost 50 to 115, but we've score less than that twice before, and held Petra 2 from reaching their average.

We had a match break, but only one. We met Hope Community in the stuffy upstairs room. I told the quiz team to shake off the old match. This was a new match and we couldn't give up. Once again, it was close up to question 9. Hope Community was leading 55 to 40. Stephanie Hartman, Hope Community's top quizzer, quizzed out, and had another quizzer ready to quiz out. Conestoga was set up for team bonus with only 1 quizzer. After question 9, Conestoga took control of the match. Denise quizzed out on question 10. Kristy took her seat and on question 11 she buzzed in, answered correctly, and got team bonus. Question 12 Hope Community had a second quizzer quizzed out. The last 3 questions were review, and they were all Conestoga's. Kristy took question 13. Then, out of nowhere, Joy buzzed in on the last 2 questions, answered them both correctly, and got a quiz out, her first of her career! Way to go, Joy!

Conestoga had a two match break before their final match of the night. We all went down to the room we were going to quiz in, sat on the coaches, and just rested. During one of those matches, we watched Gehman get team bonus on question 4. Yikes! Before we knew it, it was time for us to quiz against Parkesburg 2. I went with the same lineup, seated differently according to what I saw in Parkesburg 2's other match. I told the quizzers to do what they did the last match. A lot of the questions I heard being asked I personally asked during the practices, so they knew it. I personally told Justin that because I knew he could quiz out with buzz-ins in practice, so he could do it in a real match. That talk must have been the encouragement he needed because he buzzed in on the first question and got it right! Denise gave me a scare when she errored on questions 3 and 4. I made her promise me that she wouldn't kill the seat by erroring out. On question 6, Alyssa quizzed out. During the timeout, I told the quizzers she was the only one we say action from, so now the rest of the match is ours. Sure enough, it was. Joy buzzed in twice in a row to get 20 points. Even Amanda buzzed in, but ended up erroring because she finished the question instead of giving the answer. Denise redeemed herself by getting the next to buzz ins correct and quizzing out. We were once again 1 question away from team bonus, with Kristy taking Denise's place. On question 12, Justin, who had been dorment since question 1, buzzed in and answered correctly. On question 13, Joy buzzed in, answered correctly, and quizzed out again! Here's a 2nd year quizzer (and may I mention it's an inconsecutive 2nd year) who got her first two career quiz outs, all with buzz-ins! With Joy sitting down, Meredith got up, increasing our chances for team bonus. So either Kristy, Amanda or Meredith could get team bonus, or Justin could get a quiz out. Technically, with two questions left, we could get both. On question 14, Justin buzzed answered correctly, and quizzed. This was his first quiz out since week 2, and only his third quiz out all season. On question 15, Kristy buzzed in, but couldn't think up an answer and errored. Well, neither could Parkesburg 2 because the bonus was dropped. Conestoga didn't get team bonus, but did score in the triple digits. Conestoga won 105 to 35.

At the end of the first half of the season, Conestoga has a win-loss-tie record of 6-4-1. Our average increased to 78.18. That was a great boost for our team. If we can start the second half of the season the way we ended the first half, we can really move up our average.

Supposedly the easiest week? Ups and downs.

Week 3 of the quizzing season started off crazy with the snowstorm that went from Friday to Saturday. Even though the snowstorm was done by Saturday, the snow drifted back onto the roads. Sunday School was cancelled, but church service was still on. But we needed practice for the Sunday School hour because he had limited practice in the new afternoon. So I contacted the quizzers and they were all willing to still come out for quiz practice. I hope their driving circumstances weren't as bad as mine. My car stalled starting up, and I slipped about 3 times trying to turn. The scariest part was passing buggies. But I made it in one piece, and so did everyone else. During the Sunday School hour, we read the material and got off two practice matches, althought the second match I only gave them 15 seconds to think. After that, we joined together in worship. Following worship the quiz team ate a warm lunch of sloppy joe and mac n cheese, provided by my mom. We were making good time, so we did 2 more practice matches: 1 new, 1 missed questions. We wanted enough time to drive in the snow, so we left about 1 PM for Bowmansville. We got there around 1:20-1:30 did rounds of questions in a classroom, then joined everyone for worship.

Conestoga's first match was during the second round. We quizzed against Bowmansville 2. Since it was aginast Bowmansville, we were up in the sanctuary. I introduced the quizzers to a sanctuary match, telling them to listen carefully to the quizmaster and talk into the microphones. The match started off with Bowmansville, but Conestoga got back into the swing of things. Kristy, Joy, and Denise all got a buzz-in. We were only one away from team bonus. All we needed was Justin. Denise quizzed out, putting in Meredith and increasing our chance for team bonus. On one question, Justin buzzed in...and errored. I told him to shake it off and keep on trying because we needed him. Soon enough, Justin buzzed in on "What do we partake..." I knew Justin had this because "partake" was one of the keywords. Justin answered "the body of Christ" and got it correct! Of course I went wild; it was our first team bonus of the year! When the quizmaster heard, and was told, he said, "I was wondering what all the commotion was about. That's team bonus." I replied, "DARN RIGHT!" Justin also got the last question right for team bonus, giving Conestoga the win 95-30.

We watched Hope of the Nations for the match in between, and then we were off to our next match. We were quizzing Weaverland 2 downstairs. I had bad memories of that place because that is where I lost my last perfection for the last time. I hoped the team would avenge. That would not happen. Weaverland was just too fast. They got very good buzzes, and on the ones that weren't, they got luck on their answers. Weaverland's point went quickly the the triple digits. Maybe out of frustration, Denise somehow squeezed a quiz out. Conestoga lost with 45 points.

Since we only had 2 matches, and the Super Bowl was 3 hours away, we all went back to the respective Super Bowl party. While the quizzers went to Dylan Beam's, I went back to the college because I had homework I need to finish. The college did put on a decent party for the Super Bowl. They even had a contest to who had the right winner and the closest score. I lost because I picked the Colts. It looked like the Colts were going to win, but with the Peyton Manning interception, the only interception of the game, it turned the game around to the Saints, and sealed the victory to them. The Saints won 31 to 17.

Back to Conestoga and quizzing, Conestoga's average dropped from 74 to 73 points per match. It's not too much, so hopefully we would stay in the same ranking. I was hoping the 95 point match would boost us, but with the 45 point match, it would only negate it. But I believe the quizzers did their best, and we got the best results we could get. Jesus be praised. We'll just keep practicing and learning. And with the snow storm coming, that might become an issue.

Possibly our hardest week of the season

Going into week 2, we were entering possibly our hardest week of the season. Part of it we were quizzing on 3 chapters and a bit of a 4th chapter. Half of the material was on 1 Corinthians 7, which had a lot of situational people (like "the man who was a slave before he was called" or "the woman whose husband died" for example). But probably the biggest reason was we had 3 back to back matches. It was take endurance to get through something like that.

The quiz team met at Bonnie Beam's house for practice at 2 PM...well, most of the quiz team. Kristy and Denise were at a bridal shower. We waited a little bit for them by doing a crossword with the keywords in it. It was interesting as we discussed how to spell "puffs" (compared to "poofs"), "physically" and "trivial." We read the material and discussed how to distinguish the lists. I had them practice pronoucing idolaters because some of them were saying "idol-laters" instead of "i-dol-a-ters." Still waiting for Densie and Kristy, I didn't want to begin new questions, so the 4 quizzers did a match going over the questions we missed Wednesday, with 4 question quiz outs. Justin quizzed out on this match. Running short on time, we did a match of new material. Both Meredith and Joy quizzed out on this match of brand new questions! During this match, Kristy and Denise arrived. We put them back into the matches and went back to 3 question quiz outs. In the first, Denise, Joy and Justin quizzed out by question 12, and they were all one the same team! That looked good. The next match not som much. The team of Denise, Joy and Justin errored 6 times, and the team of Kristy, Amanda and Meredith only got 2 of those bonuses right. Those 2 bonuses were the only questions they got. With not enough time for another match, we did one set of round questions, and then had dinner. The Beams cooked us a wonderful dinner of Meatball Sandwiches.

We arrived at Petra around 6:05 PM. The girls had a lot of friends from there so they were scattered about talking to friends. In the meantime, I got us seats in the sanctuary, front and center. Andrew Jensen led the worship team and the whole sanctuary in worship. Then there was announcements, a mini-devotional, and then we were off. The quizzers stayed in the sanctuary to watch Grace & Truth the first round and Hope of the Nations the second round. I went scouting, watching Maple Grove 3 the first round and Ridgeview 1 the second round. I was hearing a lot of questions with the keywords I was using, so I thought that this might be easier for us than last week. Some of the quizzers thought so too. Round 3 came up and we headed to the classroom for our match.

In round 3, we quizzed against Strasburg 2. Travis from Strasburg 2 started off the match was 2 right buzz-ins, putting us behind 20-o right of the bat. On his 3rd question, he errored, giving us a chance for points, but the bonus was dropped on our side. Luckily Denise help pick up the team by answering 3 consecutive questions correctly for a quiz out. That shifted the gears of the match. Strasburg 2 struggled with errors, getting six errors, and losing 10 pooints. Conestoga was quick to pick up the bonuses. Joy got 2 consective answers correct for her first points! Conestoga won the match, 75 to 45.

From the Classroom, we had to run all the way to the opposite end of the church for our next match in the sanctuary lobby. Conestoga was on the left, and Ridgeview 1 on the right. This match was hard and hurt us. Ridgeview 1's best quizzer Shaun quizzed out by question 4. After question 4, Carrissa, possibly their second best quizzer, buzzed in twice in a row and got them both right. It was hard starting a match 55-0. Carissa would later on quiz out on question 10, another buzz in. Conestoga tried their best. Justin would go ahead and quiz out. The 5 point bonus from quizzing out would be soon negated by losing 5 points for our 5 errors on question 14. Conestoga lost that match, 40 to 80.

Once again, we were on the run to the opposite side of the church, as we quizzed in the church's cafe (it was literally a cafe) for our match against Maple Grove 3. I encouraged the team to forget about the last match, and to stay strong and sharp, and to endure. I even tried to change the seating up a bit. We started the first question down by 10, but then we answered the next 4 questions correctly, butting us up 40-10 a third the way through the match. Denise quizzed out on question 8. It got scary on question 11 when Maple Grove 3 was 1 away from team bonus, but instead they errored more, losing 5 points. Conestoga won the match, 85 to 45.

The good news is we were 2-1 for the night in terms of win-loss record. The bad news is that the quizzing standings go by points, and our average to 74 1/3 points per match. But combining the two, even if we won with low scores, the opponenents with won against scored even less than we did. So it will be interesting to see how the standings turn out. Looking ahead in the schedule, we seem to be going from possibly the hardest week, last Sunday, to the possibly the easiest week, with only 2 matches. Hopefully the material will be just as easier so it can give the team a confidence boost.