3/4 the way through...and I think it's ruining me

Ever since coming home, people have been asking me "Are you done?" and I'm not sure what they mean. So I answer, "I finished my spring semester and my junior year, but I still have one more year to go until I graduate." Last month I did finish my third year at Lancaster Bible College with 102 credits. My GPA is a bit over 3.0, making me an A-B student. According to many, including the Education Department, that would make me fully competent in my degree to teach Bible. Lancaster Bible College's mission statement is simple: To educate Christian men and women to live according to the a Biblical worldview and to serve through professional Christian ministries. Academically, it has done that. But I still can't help that this school is ruinging me.

Lancaster Bible College is a non-denomination school. This means simply they don't side with any denominations. So when they write their statemet of faith, they try to make it generic as possible to able to reach Christians of all denominations, and yet at the same time, when they need to make a doctrinal stance on a lesser belief (spiritual gifts, for example), LBC can choose to take whatever stance the President and Board of Trustees decide to, without worrying about a certain church's opinion. The first part is very true, and I believe some good has come out of it. I've met people from all kinds of denominations at LBC, coming from many backgrounds, such as traditionalist, fundamentalist, and evangelical. I once heard someone say that one denomination shouldn't bash another denomination because each denomination can learn from each other. I think this has some truth to it. So one would think that a combination of denominations into a non-denominational college would be good. In theory it is, but a problem arises. I believe one of the reasons we have denominations is so we can fellowship in peace and unity with believe of the same beliefts. When within a church or school of the same denomination, the person to the left and right of you will mostly have the same beliefs as you, with maybe a few small variations. But in a non-denominational church and school, the basic beliefs are the same, but there will be also great differences and disagreements. This can cause strife.

Trust me, I've felt this strife at LBC. The biggest one is the Calvinism vs. Arminianism (predestination vs. free will, for those of you who don't speak Bible scholar), but can range from anything from women in the church to spiritual gifts. I've even heard some crazy arguments, like if Jesus said if a smell was good or bad, would we have to accept that smell has objectively good or bad, or would it still a subjective opinion. In general terms, there are arguments over what is sin and what is not, and how to deal with it. But these aren't simple conversations between believers. No, these are full out debates, and they can get quite vicious. You can't find it on facebook, but I wrote a blog in November called "Christians under friendly fire". It was inspired by this. The best metaphor to describe the intensity of these Biblical debates would be gunfire. We load up our guns with the doctrine from our preferred denomination or faith statement, then we go fire on those from different denominations with different faith statements, telling them they're wrong. And it's gotten bad, really bad. I've heard Christian college students questioning another fellow Christian's faith just because the other person doesn't exactly believe the same as the attacker. Let me be clear that I believe in absolute truths, I believe Jesus is the Truth, and God's Word is the inerrant truth. But these arguments are over things like the roles of women and spiritual gifts, things which I believe do not affect salvation.

I feel like I've been under this doctrinal gunfire at LBC. Everyone at LBC has their own faith statement and doctrine, and rightfully so, since LBC is training us to have one. The problem is when we use it against other classmates. I've seen LBC students go on and on for hours, arguing and arguing over the right answer to doctrine. What good has come out of this? None. In fact, the common result seems to be the students walk away mad at each other, not talking to each other for a while. Students start questioning each other's faith, and that never goes down well. You'd be insulted too if someone said that the faith you held on to for your strength and truth was really weak and wrong. How did it end up this way?

I think part of it is responsible to our our belief in objective truth gone to an extreme. When there is an objective absolute turth, there is only one right answer. All other answers have to be wrong. And we also hear so much that if one objective truth falls, everything else will fall around it, too. So we are quick to put up our walls and defend to the bitter end our personal beliefs about minor details, even if it's a kamakazie move to our relationships.

And in response, I feel like I am forced to put up my wall in defense as well. I feel like I have to load my faith statement gun and fire it back at anyone who is firing at me. I use to be like that, too. In my underclassman years of high school, I also had my set of beliefs so firm that I had to make sure everyone knew what I believed, that is what right, and that anyone who said differently were wrong. I would go on and on defending it, which would later lead to a counter-attack. When I realized that I losing the few friends I had and that a couple fellow students were just waiting to contest whatever I said, I stopped being that way and instead became quiet. I still held on to my personal beliefs, but I just was silent about them. And while things didn't get better, they stopped getting worse. Now at a Bible College, these doctrinal subjects come up again. This time I'm more socially involved. Therefore, I'm more engaged in these debates. I tried to keep quiet and passive on my personal convictions, listening to the other side for greater understanding. But when my college classmates take advantage of this by telling me I'm wrong, beating me with intellectual put-downs, I can't stay quiet anymore. I feel like I have to speak up. In a way, I feel like I'm force violently defend my beliefs, too. I don't want to do that. I want to have good intellectual discussion with my college friends, understand where the other one comes from, learning from them and strengthening our own beleifs. Instead, I must set up my own personal convictions as a weapon for debate.

And I've noticed something from high school happening here. In high school, I became very vocal about my beliefs, and I ended up alone. In college, I feel like I'm forced to become vocal about my beliefs, and the effect is a feeling of lonliness. Yes, that's right, I feel alone. Despite being in Lancaster County, there isn't a lot of Mennonites that go to LBC. In fact, I would say that Mennonites are a minority there. And the Mennonites that are there are the uber conservative ones (plain dress, head covering, submissive women, etc.) and some of them legalistic. So when they see me, dressing causually, watching TV, playing video games, I'm even criticized by them! With no one who shares my beliefs or remotely close (in terms of specifics and "third degree triage" if you will), I feel alone. You have no idea what relief it is to go to a Mennonite church every Sunday morning, to be able to worship and fellowship with believers that have beliefs so similar to mine. It is theraputic. I look forward to it so much. There, I am not alone. But at the college, I feel alone. Because my views are different, I feel like they don't want to hear from me.

That's another that changed for high school to college. Sure I was alone, and classmates were hardly involved in my life, but what they know about me was as the Bible Guy. When they wanted me, it was either for their team on the Bible review quiz game or just to keep Bible class discussion going. I answered so much, I had to learn to hold back to give others a chance to answer. The few times I got to stand out, I did. Now here at LBC, everyone is that Bible Guy. I'm on an equal playing field with a lot of people. I don't stick out. So I'm just one of many. What do I have now? The football watching, video game playing Mennonite? Yeah, I do that all. It's all true. But it's nothing that stands out as a part of the community I'm in. How can I contribute? Please do not take this as a selfish cry for attention, but rather a search to know where I fit in when it comes to the local Body of Christ within the college community. With little intearction in the college events, it's a question I've been pondering.

I think the other part of it is our Biblical Education gets to our head. Several of the students at LBC com from a Christian family and has grown up in church. They've heard a lot of the Bible stories over and over again, and might even be familiar with a lot of doctrine and theoloy, depending on family background or church background. Point is very few students come in knowing nothing. Somehow it gets in their head that they are equals with the professors and just here to turn the Biblical knowledge they already have into a degree. Maybe it's because the person believes that since they have a Bible and the Holy Spirit, they have all that can fathomed about the Bible and the Spiritual. It is true that the Holy Spirit guides the believer in interpreting the Scriptures, and any and every believer is worth listening to because the Holy Spirit is speaking through that Christian. But that doesn't mean we should throw away the professor's degree. His degree shows that he has spent hours studying the Bible in-depth and produced sound exegesis. Yet I see students quick to stand up against the professor, contesting him as if he knows nothing. Now, truth be told, I see this more in the adult students (30+ years old) than the undergrad students right out high school. This might be because the teacher no longer has authority of being older, but is now a peer with the adult student. But even the young students will join together to criticize the professor's teaching. Now to be fair, I can't be entirely innocent. In fact, the last semester, I was highly frustrated that I couldn't get an A on the exams simply because the exam question would ask for an interpretation, I would give mine, and the professor marked it wrong because it wasn't the same interpretation as his interpretation. Yes, it ticked me off. But did I call him a bad professor? No. I don't agree with some of his interpretations, but I still respect him as a teacher, and I still learn from him, despite not agreeing with everything he says. I believe all students can learn from teachers, even if the teacher and the student don't have the same exact faith statement. But instead the students must defend their faith to a professor that says differently, even though it's the same faith, and they come across as jerks doing it.

And this jerk notion just doesn't appear in the classroom. It appears when they go to church as well. I can't count the number of students I hear come back from church on a Sunday afternoon and heavily criticize the church they come from, especially the pastor. It always "he said this wrong" or "I didn't like where we went with that." Yes, what both the pastor and the student have in common in is both went through a Bible college or seminary with Bible and theology classes. The difference is he completed it, got his degree, and has real lif experience, unlike the student who has just a few semesters and just few Bible classes. Yet the student acts like he knows more or he knows better. If I was a pastor, I would not allow any LBC student to come to my church. The only people who have the right to criticize the pastor, if anyone beside God has the right to criticize, is his regular church members, not some young student who has to go to church on the honor system. Criticism is not constructive to the church body, especially by a Bible college young adult, whose acts like he knows it all and comes across as a jerk.

I believe there are some LBC students (not using names because I am not calling out specific people, but just saying this in general) that need to humble themselves and need to remove the "jerk" from themselves. And I sometimes think the faculty and staff at LBC recognize the student body needs it. The best example I can think of is the atheletic department. On top of their normal athletic responsibilities, like working out and going to practice, players on the athletic teams at LBC have academic responsibilites, which is not only keeping grades good but going to required "study halls", and spiritual responsibilities, like required Bible studies. I once heard a young freshman athlete complain, "This is stupid. All I want to do practice, play and compete. I don't want to have devotions. I don't want to have study groups. Why am I required to do this stupid stuff?" And the whole time I was thinking, "It's to take the jerk out of you, ya jerk." And LBC righfully so does this. Most of these athletes were athletes of the same sport in high school, whether public or private. Since they did play sports, the high school (doesn't matter if public or private) gives them the highest honors and makes them popular. They get special treatment from their popularity, from both teachers and students. So when they come to college, they come to expect the same popularity and the same honor. They get quite the shock when they find out the students at LBC don't care about the sports teams and their members in the same way as public schools. They're not as popular. If they continue to act as if they are, they can come across as jerks to the rest of students in the school. This is my observation, but I think other LBC students have observed it, too. Truthfully, I remember going to Thursday night worship once and hear one of the older athletes complain about his teammates being immature. Furthermore, I think the faculty and staff at LBC notice this, too, and that's why they enforce discipling the athletes in the classroom and the church setting, as much as in their sport. For the most part, I believe it works. Sure, the underclassman athletes are still immay ture, resisting the discipline they have to adjust to, but the upperclassman who have gone through this process and accepted a more reasonable role among the student body are quite mature. I had many good intellectual conversations with them about athletics, academics and the spiritual. So kudos to you, LBC, for recognizing a need in your school and fixing in a Biblical worldview way.

Now, LBC, take it up a notch and apply it to your music program, 'cause Lord knows they need to have the jerk removed from them too. Seriously, they have more jerk in them than the athletes sometimes. In fact, I think they have more jerk than the athletes do because they take on the jerkiness of an athlete. I think part of this is in due to the ministry they are serving: sports ministry vs. music ministry. It's a bit harder to connect sports with the spiritual, considering a sports competition usually doesn't happen during church on a Sunday morning. Someone in a leadership role of sports ministry has to carefully and naturally integrate the Bible into their sport. But the musical worship program, it is very obvious where the ministry fits in, from leading a Sunday morning worship to performing a Christian concert. In short, you could say music ministry is direct, while sports ministry is indirect. Anyway you put it, it's bad. Another part has to be the attention you give them. The attention high schools give athletes is the type of attention LBC gives their music and worship arts students. Let me tell you, it results in the same thing, too. It doesn't help that LBC makes many of the worship arts students their poster child. I think another part has to do the modern-day attitude if worship. The time of contemporary praise songs has become the center of worship. So when the worship leaders realize they are the leaders of what becomes the most important time on Sunday mornings, a lot can get to them, mainly to their head. And from that, I've heard a lot of heresies. I've heard one worship leader say, "Of course you've got to be musically talented to be gifted to lead worship." Oh really? I've already had two theology professors say that spiritual gifts are more than putting human talents to a spiritual application. I can attest to this. Some of the best worship leaders I know do not have any musical education more than hymn singing at church. And if you think you're so great because you've lessons and training from LBC. you got another thing coming. I've heard Mennonite churches, Mennonite colleges, Mennonite high schools, heck, even Mennonite middle schools, sound better than you. And in those Mennonite churches, most of the members are farmers and trade craftsman, with no musical training. And sometimes these worship leaders, who are trained in their music, feel like their call of worship has to be mini-sermons and they try to become mini-pastors. Let me tell you, this isn't always pretty. I've heard one worship leader say in the same chapel "It's not about worship" and "It's all about worship." Anyone see a contradiction? I've seen verses taken out of context. I've seen big productions made out of a simple worship. The funniest one was when the worship leader showed a video of himself talking, while he was on stage tuning up his guitar. I've heard uneccesarily solos. Let's remember what "solo" means- one, alone, self. Self does not go along with something that is to be edifying to community. I once had a conversation about this to someone I know who plays in a worship band. During the course of our conversation, he said to me, "I just play bass. I just want to play bass." I couldn't have said any better. I think he's got it. Our worship should be focused simply what we're doing to worship God, not making a big production. Now to be fair, this isn't something that just happens at LBC; it happens at a lot of churches. But if LBC is preparing students to become worship leaders, as they claim they do, their school and students need to be an example to the broader Christian community.

But enough of that, what seems to be "LBC Bashing." I don't mean to be "LBC bashing" because I really do love the school, from the teachers and students to its academics and purpose. There's been some quality growth at LBC, too. The best example would be community. There high school I was at endlessly preached community, as if it was a fourth part of the trinity (I know that sentence is a paradox, but you get my point). Yet all four years in high school I never felt an ounce of community. I come to LBC where there is no extra emphasis on community, and I feel community before the fall semster is over. Good job, Lancaster Bible. You've fostered and atmosphere that encourages community, and you've done it so well that the students do it own their own, even without the faculty holding their hand through it. But recently past struggles of community and friendships have reoccured again.

Now this is the part where I start talking generically in some parts. I do this first and foremost to not publicly embarrass someone who might be embarrassed. Secondly, I do this because I am not calling anyone out to make them look bad. Thirdly, the emphasis is not on them individually, but the effect it has been on me. On that note, I would also like say that this isn't a call for attention, but a cry to understand what's happening and to get answers to questions.

Previously to me coming to LBC, the college had small groups along side chapel, called Life Groups. By the time I got there, the individualism of American culture had taken hold of the college, and they shifted from groups to 1-on-1 mentoring betweeen a teacher/faculty/staff or a grad student. I got partnered up Louis Fritz, the best partnering LBC has ever done for me (actually, tied with picking my first roommate, but more about that later). Louis would see me on campus once a week, to have a Bible study and play the infant Wii, only one year old at the time. Life Connect was meant to be 1-on-1, but it quickly became a Life Group. The first one was Dennis. Dennis was in my quad my freshman year, and when Louis came to the quad with the Wii, he would join in playing with the Wii. When dennis learned we had Bible study following, he felt bad for just playing Wii, and joined us for the Bible study. Comparing my interaction in Bible study from the 1-on-1 with the group, Louis must've thought best for me to have more social interaction in a group and encouraged a Life Group. So before you knew it, we had a Life Group of me, Dennis, Brady and Micah. My first roommate Eric Burkhart wasn't in it because we mostly met on Friday nights, and Eric was home. But when he was there during the weekdays, he easily fit in with the rest of group. Since Dennis, Eric and I were in the same quad, and Brady constantly visited and stayed overnight, we quickly and easily bonded. Some of my fondest memories are staying up to 3-4 in the morning, despite having at 7:30 or 8:00 a.m. class, eating Ramen noodles, finishing homework that was due the next day and playing video games like Mario Party or Tiger Woods golf. On top of that, I had a cool section and an awesome quad. With those guys, I felt like I could be myself and be liked for who I was. That's as true as friendship could get. In a Valentine's blog freshman year, I wrote the friendship in my suite was so strong that I didn't care I was single. The irony behind that statement is that I did have a girlfriend for a short time during my freshman year, the first one in 15 months. Socially, life was good, and for me, this was as good as it could get.

Then, near the end of my first year, things changed. We had made simple plans. Eric, Dennis, Brady and I were going to be all in the same quad in Peterson Hall, in two rooms, Brady & Dennis, Eric & me. It soudned good and things were going to be the same our sophomore as our freshman. But a few days before, Dennis said to me a few times, "You know Eric isn't coming back." This was news to me. Eric never mentioned anything. Not wanting to me either a receiver of spredaer or rumors (anything not come from Eric's mouth himself) I dismissed it, figuring if that was true, Eric would tell me himself. Until then, I would assume to continue the plan. The night before room assignment, I was telling Eric my plan to get there early with registration stuff, and he said, "Yeah...I'm not coming back LBC next year." Even though I was warned by Dennis, it was still speechless. My roommate was leaving and I had to find a new roommate. With the end of room registration the next day, and everyone else I knew was set for roomate, I figured I would just take in a new freshman. Hey, I still was going to be with Dennis and Brady in a Peterson Hall quad. So I thought, but was fooled again. Brady had a class, so he trusted his registration info to Dennis. When Dennis went to register, Resident Director Garrett asked, "Where do you want to be?" Dennis shrugged and said, "Wherever." Garrett said, "How about South Apartment?" and Dennis said "Sure." Well, Brady and I were slightly ticked. Why did Dennis make this change? We speculated a lot. Did it have to do with Eric leaving, that Dennis didn't care? At first, I thought Brady made the decision because his sister Trisha was moving to the apartments. Did Dennis want to be closer to Trisha for Brady's sake or his own sake? Was it because a girl he liked? We questioned Dennis, and we couldn't get a straight answer. The best answer we got is "Garret just put me there." It sounded like Dennis himself wasn't sure either, but at the same time, maybe he knew, but wouldn't tell us. I was flustered about it, but Louis saw it for the good. He said it would be good because it would force us to stick together despite myself living in Peterson, Dennis & Brady rooming together into South, and Micah now moving into Brubaker. And for the beginning of the sophomore year, it was like that. For every Bible study, I would leave Peterson, go to South to get Brady & Dennis, then we would go to Brubaker for Micah. But shortly later Micah went from moving out of Peterson to moving out of LBC, and there was one less person in our small Life Group. As for Dennis and Brady in South, at first Dennis would complain about, from the lack of Air Conditioning to the overflowing toilet, and wished he was back in Peterson. But as the year went on, he was glad that was there, so much he was trying to convince me to move out of Peterson and into South. And despite being in two different dorms, I would regularly get calls from Dennis that would be "Graham, could you let me into Peterson?" and I would let him in to play to visit and play on the Wii. And on a few occasions after Eric Burkhart left, he would come and visit, and things were like the same again.

One Eric left and another one came. I knew Eric Bowden from Bible Hermeneutics class. Eric knew me for having orange and black shoes (he was hoping I wore those because I was a Bengals fan with Bengals colors). Eric had planned to room with Rob, but when Rob wasn't welcomed back with his 0.5 GPA (which was not a surpise to anyone...except Rob. lol.), Eric was without a roommate, stuck in the jock's quad. With Eric available, I became his roommate. Why did I want to be Eric's roommate? Confession time. I learned Eric lived in Pottstown, about 25 minutes away from my house. I always wanted a roommate close to home so I could home on the weekend for quizzing. Eric went home on the weekends anyway, so it was easy to find a ride home for quizzing, compared to the hectic search I had the last year. But I wasn't going into this stupid. Both Eric and I watched football and owned & played a Wii. As we got to know each other better, I learned Eric loved anime, and he re-sparked my interest in Pokemon, Digimon and Yu-Gi-Oh. So I thought I had chose a good roommate. And with the same Life Group and a very similar dorm section, I thought things would be similar, and Eric would be grafted in easily.

In the beginning of the sophomore year, Life Group was Brady, Dennis, Micah and me, led by Louis. When Micah transferred out, we always joked about Eric being the "Micah replacement." Eric was slow to the idea. When Louis and Eric first met, Louis saw Eric playing a game on his laptop, and Louis asked, "What are you playing?" to which Eric meekly and shyly replied "An RPG" and Louis responded, "Well, I can see that." Brady encouraged Eric more and more to come. The selling point was when Eric learned that he could go use Lou's internet connect to get on World of Warcraft and fill his World of Warcraft obsession, Eric started coming to our Bible studies, now regularly taking place at Lou's apartment. So now it was Brady, Dennis, Eric and myself, led by Louis. It was another small thing, but things were good.

Or were they good? Truthfully, things weren't as good as they looked. One of us was failing. He was using his maximum skips in chapel and class. He was handing in papers partially done, weeks past their due date. He wasn't doing homework. Now granite there was a lot of stress on his part from family issues, especially due to his sister. But he wasn't helping himself either. He was sleeping appropriately, with not enough hours, and not even in his own bed or his own dorm room (in fact, his roommate even said it felt like he had no roommate). He was spending 3-6 hours a day playing a video game. He was more concentrated fun activities with friends than on schoolwork. All these took up the time he needed for class, and everything that came with class, like homework, papres, projects, and studying for exams, which needed to be done. So naturally his grades did suffer. And it didn't help he started getting overly focused on his girl crushes than his classes. He was well aware about his problem. It worried him, and added to the stress. Being the good Life group we were, we did what any small group would do: offer accountability. The rest of the group was in our failing friend's classes, so we knew what was going in his classes. We would make sure he came to class by walking to class with him, make sure he did his homework by doing homework with him, and help him study by forming a study group with him. It was our plan to start off his spring semester this way, the right way, to get his grades back up. Easier said than done. See, this is where I learned that giving accountability and receiving accountability were two different things. We would tell him, "Go to class." He would never show up. We would ask, "Did you do your homework?" He said he did, but he wasn't. He was just there for the video games and the fun activities, and the occasional Bible study, but even the Bible studies were less and less. That was for a reason. Apparently he found our accountability to be just annoying and pestering. Instead of spending time with friends who cared about him, he started hanging out with new friends. Don't get me wrong, they're not bad people. But with them unaware of how their new friend was doing in school, this guy could have fun in school without worrying about school, when he really needed to worry. He also spent more time with girl crushes than us, too, and gave himself an unneccessary love triangle or love square or some kind of love polygon. He didn't need more stress, but he added on to it himself. And these new friends and girl crushes took more time out of his life. I remember I was in a class with him, which he was miserably failing. It showed he was miserably failing because the class paper he was suppose to write I saw, and all it contained was paragraphs from commentaries cutted and pasted onto a Word Document. Anyways, it was evening class, which means it's 3 hours long. Between 1/6 and 1/3 the way through, he gets a text message. He sprints out of the room, leaving his books and binder behind. I look at the guy next me, and we're thinking, "Must have been some kind of emergency." Well, his books are still here, so he's got to come back. At the end of the three hours, his books were still there because he did not come back. I took his books back to my room to hold on them. About 5-6 hours after he left, he came to my room for his stuff. He told me, "Some girl invited me to build a fort, so I went." Yeah, I almost lost it. He needed to be in that class, and he gave it up for a fort. So naturally he got in trouble with student services. And the more he pushed off meeting with them, the more he got in trouble. So the guys in our small group confronted him, trying to help him so we could see him again the next semester. How did respond? He angrily yelled at us, "Well, maybe if you weren't bugging and pestering so much, I could get some work done!" Yeah, of course, I almost lost it again. Well, I did lose it, just privately. Bugging?? Pestering?! We give him accountability to help stay with us, and he instead blames us! Whatever work he did do during that semester would have never got done unless we did "bug" and "pester" him. In a last minute attempt, we told his other friend. They responded, "He's really failing classes? We didn't know" which just goes to show how much they were in the dark, and how much he kept them in the dark. Now even they were trying to pitch in and help. But it was too late. He had traded his academics for his social life, and it would cost him both.

This wasn't my only encounter with accountability issues. There was another guy in our group struggling with issues. Now his issues were more various than the last guy. He did have struggles with school work being hard. He would always get things done, but would sometimes cheap out on them by just doing them, even if they were in poor quality. At a few times it became so overwhelming that he even felt like giving up. He also had sin struggles, from anger to pornography to addictions (of the non-drug sort). Now at some points he recognized his problems. He would talk them out with me individually and with us as group and he would ask for accountability. Doing the right community thing, I offered it, despite what was happening with the other accountability situation. Now looking at it, I feel like I should have learned my lesson from the last accountability issue. It became a cycle. He would ask for accountabilty, he would give it, he would start strong, then it would degress as time went by, we would remind him out of accountability but not action would follow, he would degress as low as he could go, and then he would realize he hit bottom and ask for accountability help again. Repeat cycle. Now I can get the first time asking for accountability help, and then even maybe a second time after slipping and letting accountability get away. But when it comes a third and fourth time after, I couldn't. I was saying "Yeah, yeah, whatever" because I knew he was going to slip into the same cycle again. He was just saying it, even to just do the right things. He was doing a lot of things just because it was the "right thing to do" like pray, read the Bible and go to chapel, even though I'm not sure he was applying it the right way. But at other times he wasn't even doing those things. When I give accountability, I usually start at that simple level of reading the Bible, praying, and worshipping. But if no one, him specifically, would do that, my accountability and advice are just mere words, and I am talking into the air, to a wall. And it can be frustarting to see nothing you say should be done being done. It feels like they're not listening to you, and that can be frustrating in itself. By the end, he had fallen into a deep funk, the lowest of the low. It was so low he didn't want the accountability. He just wanted to slump in his depression. So I let him, and didn't care. He brought it on himself.

The third guy had nothing to do with accountability, but an issue arose with him, too. He had a habit of being somewhere between blasphemous and heretical. Now everyone in our group has done this, and we've all joked around with it, but we know the point to end it and go back to serious. But he seemed to keep being heretical, whether to be funny or to be just stupid. And some of us would get annoyed by this when we're trying to have a serious discussion at a serious Bible study. It seemed liked after our fearless leader brought this up, he shyed away and started coming less and less. First they were valid excuses, like needing to do homework or study for a test. But sometimes I would get back from Bible study early and find him playing pool or table tennis with other friends, not doing homework as he claimed. Once again, these new friends are not bad guys. In fact, I think they are good guys because they're getting him to do things we could never get him to do, like go to chapel. But it felt like he was lying to us. But as time past, he was more honest, but I'm not sure it was better. One time, in the middle of our Bible study, he got a text message, got up and said, "I'm going back. Someone has clam chowder, and I want clam chowder." Yes, he left our small group for clam chowder. I half wished he would go back to lying to us because even if it was a lie, it was a better reason, while clam chowder, jogging and a Sheetz run were just excuses to leave. Since he was there from the beginning, it was kind of hard to see him leave.

So it came to pass that after my sophomore year, Brady left the group. In the summer of 2009, Brady decided to think over who he was, what he was doing at LBC, and where he was going, so he took a semester off. It made sense. No reason to be spending money for a college if you don't know where you're going with a degree there and if it will help. So naturally Brady, was gone for the fall semester junior year, but after making one appearnce in the spring semester, he was never seen again in our small group. Brady was replaced by Dylan, an incoming freshman Eric knew from a previous encounter. Once again, there was a little joking about Dylan being the "Brady replacement", but not as much because there was a somber feeling because we lost one a second time, and possibly worse, he was still there half the time. Besides, while it was great to acquire Dylan, it really wasn't a full replacement because Dylan was not similar to Brady as Micah was to Eric. So we had still had 4, but the pattern was to continue. During my junior year fall semester, Dennis came less and less, and by the end of the fall semester, Dennis no longer came to group. And then there was 3. Eric, with no PC at Lou's apartment for World of Warcraft had less of a reason to come to Bible study and had other people he rather see and other things he rather do than be with us, so he started coming less and less, and by announcing he was no longer being a resident student, he left the group. And then there was 2 in Lou's small group, and I was the only original. Brought a whole new definition to "small group."

So why do I go through this long story? Do I want to get revenge on them by bashing them? No, I said I wouldn't, I said I wasn't, and I'm not. You have to hear what I've been through to get where I'm going and how I'm feeling. I told you in the beginning of this half I came out of high school and into college, believing that there was no such thing as "community," and every "community" had a negative view to me. I said within the first semester my views of community were healed because I finally felt community. I believed community existed because I was personally experiencing it that freshman year. But from that point on, I watched it slowly dissolve. I even made up a saying to describe this, which is a cross between Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" and ApologetiX's parody of Bohemian Rhapsody "Bethlehemian Rhapsody". And it goes something like this: "People come, people go, people get disposed." It simply states this: people come into your life, and either literally go, as in getting up and leaving, or they "get disposed" which means they are still present, but they are so inactive your life they might as well be gone. And that's what I showed you in the last paragraphs. At LBC fellow college classmates came into my life. Some of them got up and left, due to transferring out. Others are still there in my college, but I see them and talk to them so little they might as well be gone out of my life. It would almost be better if they did got up and leave because you could say it was on better terms.

And looking back at all this, especially from the beginning, can you see the irony? Louis decided to make his and my Life Connect into a Life Group because he saw I needed a small group to boost my social interaction and Christian fellowship for spiritual growth. And what happens? Instead we have people rejecting accountability, people lying, people not sticking around, people leaving, people losing contact. We saw replacements and we saw decreasing numbers. And at the end of this junior year, I couldn't help but turn to Louis and said, "You made this to show me Christian fellowship and community. I saw community is flawed and cannot be trusted to be around in the long term. Thank you for proving me right." While I might have sounded like I was being "smart" I think this is hard for the both of us. We're the only two originals. If Louis is seen as the leader, I'm the one and only original. And from freshman to junior year, we've had 6 different guys in the group, and including Louis would make 7. It has had Louis and I look at each other and ask, "Are we doing something wrong? Is it our sometimes heretical jokes? Is it our uncoventional views? Is it our video game tangents? Is it our separation from the rest of the college? Is it Louis that's causing the problem? Or is it Graham causing the problem? Are we doing something wrong?"

More irony comes with how last year ended. For reasons needing to be addressed, Louis transferred out of Lancaster Bible College's Graduate School to Liberty University's Online Graduate progam, then he moves from the Manheim Township suburb near LBC campus to downtown Lancaster city. These were two big changes, especially including him, but not limited to him, including us. He was no longer part of the larger college community. He was no longer within walking distance. We need someone with a car to drive anyone there, and some way to afford the gas to go visit him, some way to pay for the parking meter. If you're missing one, there's no trip. While its distane is literal, maybe it is symbolic for a distance with the undergrad students. When he was closer, I could visit him 2-3 times a week. Now it's down to one. This summer I am going have budget more gas money to make sure I can make at least a once a week trip. And with these little distancing things adding up, plus Louis sometimes talking constantly about how bad his sickness gets in the summer, sometimes I wonder how long he'll stick around before he leaves me, whether it be leaving because he doesn't like my theology, he doesn't like my choice of video games, or even as extreme as him dying early on me. After all, people come, people go, people get disposed.

It wasn't just the small group. It was the roommate. Yes, Eric was both small group and roommate and small group member, but here were different aspects of each separately, and sometimes those aspects collided together. Yes it was true both Eric and I liked football. But I was an Eagles fan and Eric was a Bengals. It wasn't so much the team that was the issue, but our approach to our teams. While I am an Eagles fan, I am equally critical of all NFL teams, giving all of them positive and negative criticism, including the Eagles. Eric sees his Bengals as God's chosen team, and their quarterback Carson Palmer was the messiah. I tried reaching out to him by talking about Bengals news (and still do), and as long as it was positive, it was all good. But if I dare give a negative criticism, I was committing a blasphemy. Sometimes he got so defensive, I thought he was going to stone me (the bad way, with rocks). Yes, it is true that both Eric and I like video games and play Wii. But our approach to video games, we differ. I am causual in my playing of video games. I do it for relaxation. I seriously just play for the fun of it, whether it be by myself or in fellowshiping with other friends. Eric plays very competitively. Eric plays to win. And if Eric doesn't win, his anger can get the best of him. If he's losing, he blames it on something out of his control, like the controls or the other players. There's a lot of yelling involved while playing with Eric. It got so bad I stopped playing video games with him unless it was co-op. Yes, both Eric and I have a socialphobia of some sorts, some fear of groups of people. But I will not allow my socialphobia to stop me from doing what I truly want to do. Eric's will. For example, a full cafeteria will not stop me from eating if I'm hungry. I just take a booth and strae at the wall. But with Eric, it will stop him, and he would starve instead of dealing with those people. Yes, both Eric and I are Christians seeking God. But our theology was different and that caused strife. I could handle metaphors and liked talking about symbolism and interpretations behind them. Eric couldn't handle metaphors because he needed everything to be literal. For example, I once said about the apartments, "they have a very open-door policy there" (and you should pick up that "open-door policy" means they welcome anyone to come in at any time). Eric replied, "No, you can close the doors there." Obviously he missed it, and that was a small, unimportant one. You can imagine the nightmare when our small group was studying Revelation. We all saw the message of Revelation as God giving hope to a persectued church. All Eric could see was God simply spilling information about the end times. We both did have different opinions on doctrine and different theology. I am usually intellectually open to discussing them by examining all sides, understand each side, and learning for all of them. Eric has his opinions emotionally attached to him. If I dare suggest another side, even if it just for the sake of discussion and I don't believe in it, Eric would be quick to trash it down. If I dared to suggest possible criticism of what he thinks or believes, it was like I was treating him as a non-christian, which I wasn't. It goesall the way back up top to the first half of this blog. LBC students turn doctrine into a full out war. There were also other little factors. Eric made me feel guilty every time I asked a favor from him, even it was so simple. Yet Eric asked me to do many simple favors for him, even stupid things as walking to an office with him (when he did, I was would sarcastically ask, "Do you want me to hold your hand?"). There was also the issue that Eric was taking things from my side, from borrowing me GameCube controller without permission to drinking my water, and I lost trust in him. That led into an argument on how each one should deal with our possessions, which in turn led to more fighting. All in all, I think I can sum it all up in saying this: I became all things to Eric in the places he was the "weaker brother" so I could reach, but he never did that for me. All this has left doubts in my head about him. I use to think he would make a great counselor, with all people he is friends with. But after seeing how he sometimes can't handle groups of people and how sometimes he lets the anger get the best of him, I'm not sure he can do it. I'm not sure I would let my kid see him. Sometimes I wonder if it's sublimination. Is Eric wanting to be a counselor so he can figure his own psychological problems?

But it wasn't just the roommate. It was everyone in the quad, and even everyone in the whole section. In my freshman year, I had a whole section that got along, love having fun, and built community. I was in the same section my sophomore year, with a few graduates leaving and a few new incoming freshmen. Still, I for the most part got along with everyone. The only one who irked me was Aaron Thomas because he just enjoyed making fun of me too much. When I tried to bring the same fun, joyful late night gaming I did my freshman year to Aaron and Eric my sophomore year, they took it and turned it into a fierce competition. When I was winning, they would complain about my win. When I was losing, they would make fun of me and put me down. The late night video gaming was no longer fun, and I stopped playing with them altogether. On top of that, since Aaron didn't have the same serious view on school as I did, he would constantly bug me when I was working on homework, whether it just talking or asking me to do something with him. Now I'll cut Aaron a break. He realized that LBC was not for him, and he was just trying to have fun his one semester. And he wasn't the worse.

No, the worse was my junior. Once again, this was not chosen by me or student services. Actually, this was moreso picked by Eric because he was trying to work in as many friends as possible. I just said it had to be in Peterson, and he was fine with that. It was tough for me to live in that quad. I had another Mennonite in my quad. You think this would be good to have someone of the same denomination in your quad, but as I said much earlier above, he was a hardcore conserative legalistic Mennonite, with plain dress, orthodox beliefs, and a submissive girlfriend. I was under constant constant scruntiny from him, anywhere from the video games I play to the music I listen to. He would put down anyone, including me, his Mennonite brother, for not believing exactly as he does. Now I can handle it, but his roommate, who this year was working on making his parents' beliefs his own got the worse of it. It was good when the two of them would talk about different beliefs on different doctrine because the legalistic pastoral student knew them all. But it was bad because if his roommate dare suggested a different view, it was quickly shot down as wrong, and the roommate was put down for even thinking such a thing. And all around, I felt like this legalism on the campus was a bad witness of mennonites to other Christian denominations, especially when he was hypocritcal (he would yell at other students for not following school rules, but would break others himself, and would defend himself as being in the right). I heard constantly my own roommate Eric mockingly say to him, "Is that how a Mennonite acts?" I know he was talking about our next dorm neighbor, but it still was tagged on to me too. And while I only heard it verbally from Eric, it wouldn't surprise me if others were thinking it, too. And sometimes I wonder if everyone thinks that I think and act the same way. That would be sad. Even sadder, I feel like I have shun him and not associate with him in order to perserve my witness. But this uber-conserative Mennonite isn't my only problem. I had a D.A. who always complained my music was too loud, especially my Guitar Hero. First, I have it nowhere near as loud as at home. Second, I have heard him play so loud I can hear it my room through the wall...after curfew! In my whole section altogether, they spend hours playing Super Smash Brothers Brawl in a loud, obnoxious fashion. I know this might sound selfish, but it makes it so hard for homework or sleep. I dare not say any complain towards it, though, because they will get upset as when they do when my legalistic neighbor does. And also remember playing the wii is a huge stress reliever for me. But it seems whever I got the small window of chance to play wii, they are playing their 50th round of Brawl. Plus when they would get to together to try to have serious discussions too, they also became loud yelling arguments to defend who was right. Once again, the LBC atmosphere causes that. Between the doctrinal arguments and the Super Smash Brawl arguments, I would just have to shut my door and play my music very loud to ignore them, so I would get upset. That's not the brotherhood, the "manctuary" that I knew from my freshman year.

Look what it's done to me. It's totally changed me, and not for the good. First of all, this was the first year that I did not want to be on campus or in my dorm. Second, I found myself visiting Louis more often 2-3 times a week, for hours upon hours, just to get away from my dorm. Third, when winter break came this junior year, this was the time I could not wait to go home. Was it homesickness? Not at all. I just needed to get out of that quad and away from those guys at least a month. To prove it, there was that one Friday where it was just me, and I liked it so much. Fourth, I felt lonely and single, needing a girlfriend. Why is this so critical? In my freshman year Valentine's blog, I wrote that the friendship from my dorm section was stronger than the desire for a girlfriend, so I didn't need one. When I didn't have philos, that brotherly love from my quad, I sought eros, the love from a girlfriend. Seeing all the couples around campus, I felt lonely and was aware of how alone I was. No girlfriend, no friends. I returned to sitting by myself for lunch (when I say "returned to" I meant from high school). More proof to it, when I left college, the desire to date was gone again because I'm not surrounded by couples. But on campus, when I see couples, I not only see boyfriend and girlfriend, I see two best friends, and I want a girlfriend who will be my best friend, too. But even that's in complication, which brings up the fifth thing it's done to me. Fifth, I feel like I have become incapatible with living with someone else. If I can't get along with a roommate of the same gender, how can I get along living with a roommate of the opposite gender. If I can't live with everyone in my quad, how can I live with a family? It didn't help my roommate kept referring to the end of being roommates as a divorce. Now I'm afraid that even if I do get married. she'll end up divorcing me within two years because she's sick of living with me. But even in the nearer context, I'm afraid that my new roommate wil get sick of me living halfway through the year again. I tried picking my own roommate again, and this time I picked Dylan. Now when LBC picked me a roommate, I ended up with Eric Burkhart, and that worked out great. When I picked my roommate, I got Eric Bowden, and that ended terribly. Choosing myself again, I'm afraid it will end tragic again. But Dylan has positive outlooks, and assures me that he thinks it could well.

So as I'm getting near the end of my blog, let me get to the end of my junior year. It was not a pretty one. Dennis rarely talks to me, but when we do talk, we have hearty conversation about football, and the few conversations we do have I appreciate, even though it's nothing like it use to be. Brady fell back into the same slump that got him in trouble in the first place and repeated mistakes from his freshman year. Eric and I jokingly would say he "sold his soul to the devil" as metaphorical joke. I meant that he gave up good brotherly accountability for a girl, while Eric said that in reference to girl exactly. I proverbally washed my hands from anything Brady did, declaring myself not guilty of or responsible for his actions. Between getting rejected by a crush and getting in a fight with his dad, Eric fell into a deep slump. When friends offered to help, he went into a "leave me alone and don't talk to me, I'm depressed" phase and cut everyone off. Anyone who tried to help, he dragged down into his depression, making things worse. He tried to drown his sorrows in a video game, neglecting food, sleep, class, chapel, and social interaction, making things even more worse. When I saw how he was acting, I wasn't going to baby him like everyone else. Once again, I proverbally washed my hands and did not offer my accountability, he was on his own. He responded likewise. I hardly saw him and talked less to him. As far as I was concerned, he was no longer my roommate, Dylan was. As I said, Dylan replaced Eric as my roomate. Eric was also replaced at small group by Greg. Greg is less emotional than Eric and more intellectual like me, which I like. I can see us having good intellectual conversation in the near future. Yet I can't help notice only 3 people there, along with Louis. It isn't what it use to be. Yet we'll keep rolling with the punches. I think the pinnacle of the last day of my third year came with an event on Wednesday evening. Eric had taken his last final and went straight home to play World of Warcraft on his monstrosity of a computer. I was working on my computer, preparing my internship the next day, when I heard the quad door open. Outside my open dorm door, I saw Dennis and Brady. They asked me, "Is Eric still here, or did he leave?" I answered, "He left already." They reply, "Oh ok" and leave. That's it. No "how are you doing, Graham?", no "how were you finals, Graham?", no "what are you doing this summer, Graham?" or not even a "Have a good summer, see you next year." All I got was an "oh ok." Now people would constantly come to my room looking for Eric all year. I got use to it; I didn't like it, but I got use to it. But these guys, who have known me since fall semester my junior year, couldn't even properly hold a short conversation to say goodbye. This was almost as bad as when Brady "cowered in fear" at the sight of Louis after not seeing him a long time. That alone might have led me to write all this.

So now finally concluding, while I am getting equipped so much at Lancaster Bible College, I feel like it's also ruining me. I use to be accepting of all denominations, and now I'm critical of them. I use to enjoy worship time, but now I'm loathing them. I use to thing community was a fantasy, but it was given to me to show it exists, and then it was taken away from me. LBC has forced me to put my faith on defense, and even sometimes counter-attack people. I don't want it to be this way. At LBC, I fee like I'm being criticized from everyone on all sides. I don't know where I fit in this LBC community, and I want to know I belong here. I don't mean to point the finger at anyone, but to simply point the finger back at me. This is not selfish call for attention, but a cry to know I belong in part of the Body of Christ. If someone can endure to read all this, please pray for me and tell me whatever you hear.