Valentine's Day Reflections

You're probably reading the title and thinking, "This is a little late." Well, I didn't post it on Valentine's Day because I reflected on it on Valentine's Day. I have no intention of making this a rant. I want to be open and honest with you about my thoughts and feelings. So stick with me, and I'm sorry this goes off into a rant by any chance. But if it does, I've only ranted on the holiday once before, so I've been good

First of all, let me establish my relationship history: I am currently single. I have had 2 girlfriends in the past. I don't mean to be blunt, but if I do not say this up front, none of the rest will make to sense to you. This is where the "stick with me" part comes in. And while I'm at it, and I'll establish the fact that Feb. 15 is not Singles Day. Singles get a whole week, and it's the week Sept. 14 is in, 6 months after Valentine's Day.

I'm friends with a guy at college named Brady. Brady and I look so alike we've been mistaken for twins, but that's off topic. What annoys me the most about Brady is also what I like the most about Brady. When Brady has a problem in his life, he will randomly talk over it out loud, and anyone near him can hear it. Maybe Brady looking like me is not coincidence because if he is suffering from a problem I have just like him, it's almost like looking at myself talking over my problems (no joke intended, I am serious). So on February 12, just 2 days before Valentine's Day, Brady mentioned himself being single (as well as dealing with being single), and his struggle to not be able to get a girl. And I saw that mirror reflection of me.

Valentine's Day AKA "Singles Awareness Day [S.A.D.]" Why is it Singles Awareness Day, or S.A.D.? Because on Valentine's Day, the ones that are SAD are the singles. Why? This is a holiday which is spent a lot (although not the entire thing) on boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife. And it's public. So public some people, like the Sad Singles, don't want to leave their house (or in the college student's case, the dorm). I had experienced like feelings in high school. The Public Displays of Affection were at their height on this day, so greatly I didn't want to go to school. I started thinking this same thought for college. Do I really want to leave my dorm, a safe haven of guys only and no couples? I dare not go to Lower Level Peterson! I tried to get an idea of what Valentine's Day was like on a Bible College campus. Some said it's bad, others said it was not bad at all. Some said it's not as bad as high school, others said it's fine as long as you have tunnel vision (don't go looking for the couples on purpose, and avoiding it all costs). So since I was leaving at 4, I decided it was safe to venture, but just to classes, the cafeteria for food, and then the rest of the time my dorm.

Ah, I love my dorm. And that's one of the reasons why. It's just guys. Yes, I enjoy the fact that the dorms are not co-ed, and there a place I can go to get away to just guys. Not from girls, but from couples. There not anywhere in sight. Out of sight, out of mind. And they are out of mind because it's not brought up in my quad. Out of the 8 guys in my quad (I'm including the regular visitor Brady), 6 of them are single. And from the 2 that have girlfriends (actually, for one, it's finance), I don't hear about it on a regular basis. Sure they mention them when applicable, but it's not like they are announcing it on a daily. And I am very grateful for that. Thank you guys. Thank you for not making me a part in your relationship, the audience. But back to the cool singles guys. They are awesome. With the exception of Brady (there is nothing wrong with this, and I'll get to that later), none of them complain about not having a girlfriend. Sure, I bet they have girls they like, but I'm not hearing them obsess about it, or depressed because they are not dating. They are content with being single. One guy from my section actually verified this just last night, and I know others has told me this. One even told me that he was putting off any relationship for a long time on purpose. And it's starting to change me.

These guys influenced me all fall semister. And for the first time I can officially say that I'm content with being single. It's been a big help being around these guys. It helped me realize something. I now realize the reasons I wanted to have a girlfriend, and they might be the wrong reason. It goes all the way back to high school. I was in a school of show-off couples, which treated singleness as a curse. I was incomplete, and a girlfriend would complete me. I had no close friends and thought a girlfriend would be a good one. It seemed like I couldn't find anyone who liked me, and I was desperate to find one. Being single made me feel left out, unpopular and unliked. But then coming to LBC and meeting the guys in Peterson Hall 107 changed that. They were good friends, who liked me for who I was. All the past changed. Being able to go to these guys, where I could get away without really hearing about it, I didn't think about it. I had friends. And with these good friends who wanted to hang out with me, the strong feeling of needing a girlfriend just became a weak feeling of wanting a girlfriend. It wasn't necesary in my life. Through both words and actions, I saw that they felt the same way too. And even in the worse times, I could go to my Life Connect person Louis, and he's also helped get me out of the deepest funks of being single to the greatest contentment of being single. And some of my favorite moments with him is either doing Bible studies or playing video games - it takes my mind away from girls, couples, and being single.

And ironically, all my ex-girlfriends have taught me this lesson. This goes back to Brady speaking what's on his mind. On that Tuesday the 12th, Brady was talking about the "girls who got away." In his case it was just good female friends who he could have taken it up to the next stage, but in my case, thinking about the girls who got away from me were my 2 ex-girlfriends. I don't care how pathetic this sounds, it's true: both times I have been dumped by the girl. They left me. So to me, they got away. For the most part, I have gotten over them, but there is still a teeny tiny bit that wishes one of them would come back (let's say I'm 95% over them, 5% wishes one would come back). Thinking about both of them, I realized both had something in common. Both of them, when I started dating them, could be described as "desperately single" and both of them broke up with me after realizing they were happy when they were single. Now I don't believe that to be the full truth, but I think there is truth in that. And I look back at myself, I think when I started out going with those girls, I was a little desperate. Every time we've broken up, I've not wanted to, but I'd allowed it. A girl, who I liked and turned me down once said, "You're not ready to marry until you're ready to be single." I say the same is true for dating. You're not ready to date until you are ready to be single.

So was I ready to be dating? What I mean by that, was I ready to be single? I'm not sure. I can't say I compromised any beliefs or feelings. I was still behaving like a Christian. And they were Christian. They liked me, and I liked them. They met all my requirements. My second girlfriend I didn't go out with until 15 months after dating my first girlfriend, not really liking any girl. Does that say something? So am I ready to be single again? I don't know. I'd like to say I am. I'm not too concentrated on girls. Right now, there is no single girl that I have a major crush on. Yet I find myself having minor crushes on a bunch of girls. Is it a sign of being desperate, or is it keeping me in check for liking one girl too much? I also have found myself liking girls near my sister's age, which is roughly about 4 years younger than me. Now it's nothing sexual...or maybe a better term is nothing physical. I just like them for their personality, for who they are. Is this wrong? Am I getting so desperate that I am looking at younger girls? Or is that I'm just being too influence by Mike? :-P That's a scary thought.

Here's another thing that divides me on whether I am fully content with singleness . May it be a confession to all of you. I confess that I have been using dating applications on Facebook to meet girls. I "poke" them, message them, and add a few to my friends. I've met a lot of girls this way. It mostly is online, and even more stays to just Facebook. But a few I've gotten IM screenames from. And truthfully, my last girlfriend I did not know until I met her on Facebook. It just so happened that we had a common friend who went to a common church. So yes, we met through Facebook. Now I know a lot of people are against, mostly because it's unconventional, but also the fact these people on another computer are strangers. If you're not comfortable, let me tell you this. 6 girls I asked out before I had a girlfriend. All of them I knew face-to-face and had a friendship with. All 6 turned me down. After those 6, I had my 2 girlfriends. Both met me online. Sure the shortest one only lasted 10 days, but that's 10 more days then those 6 other girls gave me.But So I'm not really against it. I can see profiles of girls, with both pictures and info, and from that choose someone who matches me or I think will be good with. Sure they can lie, but I haven't really met that problem before, and if so, I can usually tell by exchanging messages. And it helps get rid of that ackward exchange of basic information on the first date because it's all there online. Same is true for the girl. Girls can see all my information and know who I am before making a move. That leads me to a topic I said I would get back to.

As I said above, Brady does sometimes struggle with being single, and will express it out loud. On that Tuesday the 12th he mentioned looking at himself, and what could attract girls, only to draw up a blank. I drew up that same blank. You ladies reading might be a girl who received an IM in September asking you "Why would you marry me". I had gotten a dating survey for college success that asked why some woman would want to marry me. Truthfully, I didn't know why. I myself did not know why I was worth marrying. This question that took a lot of thought. It got me stumped a couple of times. I had to get help from female friends. And still thinking about it, I can't see a reason why a girl would like me. I will outwardly tell you, I am not attractive to the eyes, not athletic or fit, not musical in any sense, nor artistic in any sense. I’m not really a genius. I’m not too rich either. My sense of humor is dry slap-stick (although my last ex always thought I was funny, and still does). There is nothing I got. Of course on the survey I put "I'm a good Christian." Yeah, that is good for a Christian girl, but seriously, that's a broad category. There are a lot of guys who are Christian. So after he's Christian, the next thing is...well, it's one of the above that I don't have. So pretty much, I'm screwed. It's hard to convince a girl to like you if you have low self-esteem. Now don't get me wrong, I like me for who I am. I realize God created me the way I was because he wanted me that way, and I am satisfied with the way I am created. It's just trying to get the girl to see the same thing, and like me enough to date me. But they're not always interested in that. As Napoleon Dynamite states, they want skills. What girl is attracted to a Bible Quizzer? Let me tell you not even the Bible Quizzing girls are attracted to that. Only I am (and it's kinda made me quizzing shallow, only liking girl quizzers with high scores). Like I said: screwed. So what's a guy to do? Nothing, absolutely nothing. I have come to the point where I say to ladies, "This is me. Take it or leave it." Don't change for someone else, you'll be living a lie. Tell them to take it or leave it. And remember, God made you, so He takes it, and leaves the sin behind.

So what's this got to do with Valentine's? This is what I was thinking during Valentine's, and it all draws to some good conclusions about Valentine's. The holiday can impact you no matter what your relationship status. So what are going to take from it? Couples, are you going to flaunt your love for each other? Careful, it may hurt your single friends. Singles, are you going to complain about how much this holiday sucks? Careful, it may hurt your dating friends. Let's compromise: if dating people promise to keep their displays of affections to themselves, then single people will keep their complaining among themsleves. Deal? Deal. Couples, go off alone and enjoy the time you have for the special someone. For you single people, hang out with a large group of people from the same gender. Guys, hang out with a large bunch of guys. Girls, hang out with a large group of girls. Do what you like doing the best, fellowship and get caught up with each other. And promise that talk about the opposite sex, couples, crushes, or dating will not come up. The idea is to take your mind of those things and focus it on something you enjoy. I know some people get together a co-ed group of single people to hang out, but I think this is going the wrong way at it. At these things, people just end up pairing up for the day, and it's pretty much conforming to be like couples so you don't feel left out. It's missing the point.

So in closing I want to remind you all that everyone will be eventually married...it is stated in Revelations, it's our marriage as the church to Christ. So if you're a couple, dating or married, it doesn't matter because at the end, the marriage is null-and-void. And for you single people, don't worry if you're not married, or not dating. Give God the time. In the mean time, take that love you usually give to the significant other and share it among your friends, family, and most importantly, God. And even if you're still single by the end of your life, know that God still loves you the same. He has given His love to you, more than any spouse can. In my singleness, I've been praying to God and talking through this to Him. And I feel like he's telling me, "Graham, if you do get a wife, you will have to make some compromises. But if you stay single, I promise I will open many doors for you to procede to do My Will and what you please. And I will give you more friends so you can give that love to them." God has not abandoned the single people. He does not choose His servants based on their relationship status. Christians, let us do the same as the Lord does to us. Let us not judge people on their relationship status.

I am single, but I am also taken by the Lord because I am in a relationship with Him.