Too early for the next mourning

This is something I really don't want to talk about. I want to be left alone in my sorrows. After this tragedy, this incident, this mistake, I spent the 20 hours in a dark closet, mouring and weeping over what has happened. 20 hours later, I came out of the closet, just because life called for me to continue on as normal, but inside, I feel like I'm still in the closet, grieving. Louis always said it was good for me to let it out by posting up these blogs/notes on how I am doing in quzzing, and, good or bad, I should inform everyone on what's up. So using the deep philosophy of Kansas (please don't give me lip for finding truth outside the Bible)...

Once I rose above the noise and confusion
Just to a glimpse beyond this illusion
I was soaring ever higher
But I flew too high

It was going oh so well. For the first time I was striving in the right direction for perfection. True, I came very close the second week, but with help from the Lord and my teammates, I passed that 2nd week. Things went smoothly the 3rd week, only having 1 error. I finally passed the 2-week barrier, not an error in sight. My heart rejoicied to see my name not only perfectly in 1st place, but in that 1st slot. I praised Jesus from the depth of my heart, even to the point you could say I was "dancing" (gasp! a dancing mennonite!). I believed that this was my offering. Jesus gave me the best offering, so I gave it back.

Even at the beginning of Sunday, it seemed so good. Our first match against Bowmansville 2 started out slow, but we caught speed. Tim, Mike and myself quizzed out. Robert got in at some point to give us team bonus. We won the match 135-30. We seemed unstoppable, and actually having a chance against Slate Hill 1.

Though my eyes could see, I still was a blind man
Though my mind could think, I was still a mad man

Until that Sunday, I would have to say my head was still on my shoulders, if you know what I mean. I realized that we were going up against Slate Hill. Now while it wasn't the Slate Hill I have known for the past 3 years, looking at their standings, I knew that this wouldn't be easy. In fact, I knew it was going to be hard. Then I heard stuff that I should have never heard. I heard Slate Hill 1 scored either 65 or 70 points their first match. I heard something like they either lost or came close to losing. I heard something between Slate Hill doing a service project Saturday and being up most of Saturday ngiht. I didn't need to hear the factual story, all I needed to hear was enough to give me a false sense of confidence and security. I was pretty sure that now Spring City could take down Slate Hill 1.

This led my mind to wander into the wrong territory. Not only did I want to quiz out, but I wanted to quiz out first. Not only did I want my team to win, I wanted us to win by more than our average, and them score less than their. My mind had gotten off the true meaning of quizzing. My desire for success in that match was driving me now, almost to the point of driving my mind mad.

I can hear the voices when I'm dreaming,
I can hear them say...

I can't say I slept well on Sunday night. Now the fact I was right on the hard floor did play a piece in that, no lie. But there was something more. There was struggling with my performance, especially after my incident/mistake. All the voices just telling me that I failed. They were all mine. Mr. Deitrick did always say that I myself am my toughest opponenent. But it just kept pressessing against me. Every form of the word fail just rang in my head... "fail"... "failed"... "failure"... "failing"... "epic fail." But out of them all, one voice was telling me, trying to yell over all the other voices......

Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more

No lie, the tears flowed all night. I am very well aware that this is my last year. Being perfect to this point has been a distraction of that. It wasn't until I finished being perfect that I realized that March starts next Sunday, meaing I only have 1 month of quizzing left. As I mentioned in the beginning of the year, I said that it was "perfect or bust." "The year of 18 BYAH!s, the year of 18 quizouts." It was 18 quiz outs or bust. We'll I busted. I messed up. I screwed up. And I just didn't want to accept this, my last year, not being the perfect year. I went back to the high school freshman version of me, who just wanted to do what he did on his Nintendo: press the reset button until I did it right. But as much as I look for that reset button, it doesn't exist. Life cannot be reset at a certain point to start all over and try again. But I didn't want to accept reality. Another voice in my head: "No, this can't be happening. It can't be real."

Masquerading as a man with a reason
My charade is the event of the season
And if I claim to be a wise man
It surely means that I don't know

Sometimes I have a habit of taking the 2004 quizzing parody "Meant to Quiz" a little bit too serious. Sometimes I live life like my sole purpose is to quiz. I was meant to quiz. My performance reflects how well I do my mission. If I succed in quizzing, I am succeeding in life and my mission. If I do poorly in quizzing, my life spirals downward. My actions post-quizzing were not a first. I remember when younger, like my middle school and underclassmen years of high school getting in the same funks for doing poorly. I would become very depressed because I couldn't score any points or because I errored twice in a match or because I fouled. When I got to those upperclassmen years, I would still get upset at poor performances, but the sadness wasn't too deep or long. Why?

Well, for starters, by this time in my career I had gotten so good, I either quizzed out or scored 20 points. No fouls, and I would always slow myself down, even to a stop, after the 2nd error. No longer did I have matches where I scored 10 or less points. So there was less to get angry and/or sad about. But also because I had more developed frontal lobe. For those of you who aren't neurologists or psychologists, the frontal lobe is the part of your brain where your sense of past, present and future are located. Because of this, I realized I had some time to complete my goal of a perfect year. So in my junior year, for example, I would say to myself, "Well, I'm not perfect this year, but I still got 3 more years to try." Well, with every year passing, I started running low on having more "tries." Being the last year, this was the last try. I was not happy at all knowing I blew my last try. There is no more "try again next year." This was suppose my year, but it was mine no longer.


I have to say there's also a little bit more pressure on me. Being the top quizzer on Spring City since 2006, I've been made an official leader of the team. In the past 2 years, my name tag has beared an anchor or a pillar. I'm the anchor of the team, I am the pillar that holds them up. They depend on me to be a leader and set an example. I have seen them countless times, when they are faced with a question they don't know, they put down their buzzers and look at me. I have heard a few times a couple quizzers say, "Well, if Graham doesn't know it, then nobody's gonna get it." I even remember Christine one year straight out telling me, "I pay attention to how well you do. If you're doing well, I know there is hope that I can do well. But if you aren't doing well, I feel hopeless, like I'm not going to be do anything." While no one else has told me this, I can tell some people think this my their reactions. It's pressure on me to do well. It's not like a bad thing. Actually, this pressue actually motivates me to do better. If through my performance I can boost my team's motivation and inspire them to do well, then I want to do my best. I found this especially true the first week of quizzing, when our average was as low as 67.5 to 65. We weren't racking up high points. There was no team bonus, and not too many quizouts...with the exception of one....yeah, that's right - mine. I was able to make sure we at least got 35 point every match. The one match where we got only 30 points was because the team racked up 7 errors, including 2 of mine. They could count on me for points, for motivation, for encouragement. But after that last match, no more. I just praise God that Tim quizzed out. If he didn't, the team would have scored much less than they did have.

And when I had finally gotten to this point, I had finally felt like other people, mainly the quizzers on Spring City, wanted me to be perfect. For the first week, I thought that I was alone in my pursuit to perfection. Truthfully, I thought they might be upset that I was going for my own purpose, not a team purpose. True, my 35 points was helping the team, esepcially making sure that one was a buzz-in for team bonus. But I could see how it appeared that I was selfish by going for an individual goal. But after 4 weeks, especially that 2nd week, I finally felt that my team was on my side. They wanted to see my reach the top of the individual standings. Of course it was easier to say when we were on the bottom. As Tim said, "you're all this team has got now." But when you're higher up, the focus is redrawn back onto team. With our average in the 90s, and Tim and Mike back in the swing of quizzing out, I felt like I needed to compete with them, too.

On a stormy sea of moving emotion
Tossed around I'm like a ship on the ocean


Man, it has been an emotional ride. The opening of the quizzing season I was as animated and charsmatic as I had ever been. I couldn't wait to see what the Lord was going to use me this season. With quizzing out after every match, and finishing perfect after every meet, I was exhuberant. I was extremely happy. Inside and outside, I was jumping up and down. I couldn't stop praising God for lifting me up so high. It was great being on the top. But how fast things can change.


How fast can emotions change, especially within a quizmatch alone. First, you go into it all psyched, ready to go. If you get the first few questions, you feel positive and confident in the rest of the match. You feel relieved and happy when you finally get the quiz out. But things are different if it doesn't go that way. If you buzz in and error, you worry. If you can't get in because the other team is being ridiculously fast, you get frustrated, even upset. Feelings get mixed when your own teammates are stealing your questions. You want them so bad for your own quiz out, yet you're glad at least your team is scoring points. And as question after question goes by, with nothing from you but errors, all those negative feelings pile into one. And with that 3rd error, the one that ends your perfection forever, then comes the depression.


The post-quizzing depression sets in hard. I don't want to talk about what happened. I don't want to talk to anyone about anything. I didn't want to do anything. Hopelessness sets in. I just wanted to be left alone. I just wanted to be in the dark, like I felt. I didn't want to be looked at. I couldn't even look at myself in a mirror. I wore my hood to cover my face and hide it from the world. I wasn't excited about anything. Doubts entered my mind about the future. Would I be able to perform the same? Can I still do better than last year? Will I settle for any less? Then I hear those put-downs on myself again.

I set a course for winds of fortune,
but I hear the voices say...


After I got over that 2-week hump that usually prevents me from being perfect, and after getting past all those 3-match weeks, another hump that usually stopped me from being perfect, I felt like this was the sign that this was going to be the year of perfection. No longer did I have to concentrate on 3 quiz outs in a single Sunday, but now all I needed to concentrate was 2 a week until the last week, which was then just 1. I was already thinking about how to receive/celebrate my perfect award. Maybe I should do a cartwheel or a summersalt when go up to receive it. Maybe I should just jump up and down, break out in tears, or kiss some random girl. Maybe I'll go down in one knee in prayer. I got too ahead of myself. I thought because I was perfect the first half the season, I could mirror it right into the second half of the season. I was ready to finish perfect. I guarenteed something that could not be guarenteed, and look where I am now. My plan is gone, and so is my dream of finishing perfect. All I want to do is think about that, how my dream are up in smoke. But the voice keeps saying...

Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more

All this studying, all these feelings, and all this worry has made me weary. Sleeping is harder thinking about what has happened, and wondering where my future will lead me. Will this still be a great year without being the perfect year? Being weary has drained me from studying, from quizzing to schoolwork. I need to get back on track, back to studying, both school and quizzing. That's another thing. I sacrificed a lot of time I should be spending on school for quizzing. It has caused some of my grades to drop as low as a C. It was all worth it for a perfect last year. But now that a perfect year, is it still worth it?

And I can't help but think I might have went a little wayward. Maybe you the reader have caught onto that from what they read already. But this didn't register to me at all. All Sunday night, I just kept crying out, "Why, God, why?" pleaing desperately for an answer. It was like a little kid who didn't get the candybar from the grocery store after begging daddy for it. "Abba, why??" I couldn't understand. I studied harder this week than all the other weeks. I read it a couple more times than I usually do. I listened to it more than I usually do. I even wrote questions, which I only did for weeks 1 and 2, not 3 nor 4. I even was generous by giving Robert my situations questions for once. I even prayed more for the team this past week than the rest. Mr. Deitrick told us in quiz practice that he felt the Lord told him to surrender the quiz team unto Him. So I prayed the same thing, giving up my quizzing teammates as "my team" and handing them over to be "the Lord's team." Lord, have I not found favor in your eyes?

So naturally the next thing that I started thinking about is "What have I done wrong that you have cursed me, O Lord?" After thinking a few minutes, I could not think of anything different that I did that was sinful, negative or hurtful. After several minutes of thinking, I thought of something. On Friday afternoon luch, without even thinking, I had a Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwhich, with grape jelly. I had accidently broke my Nazarite vow. But now, here's the thing. I know some theologians say there is no such thing as "accidental sin," for if you do not know it's a sin, how can you be sinning? They say that for something to be considered a sin, it must be done intentionally and purposefully. So go with that thinking. When I was at home during winter break (before the vow), most of the time I ate PB&J sandwiches (I only use grape jelly) because that was the only thing in the house to eat. It became a habit so much that I made one and ate one without even thinking about it. It was such a habit to me, I didn't realize it until I thought hard about it on Sunday night. Would you still say I am guilty of breaking my vow? Because this is the only thing I can think of. The only other thing I can think of goes dangerously into Calvinist territory: God, in his all his foreknowledge, planned for me not to be perfect, for whatever his holy reason might be. It is beyond my question.

Maybe, just like Abraham in Genesis 22, God was testing me with my praise. Did I pass? That is debatable. After my slip-up, Coach Dave just kept telling me that I needed to praise God. In fact, many people are telling me that. As a matter of fact, during worship time we sund "Blessed Be the Name of the Lord", which says that we should praise God in good times and bad times, in blessings and hardships. So I went back to my dorm, to a prayer closet (and that's as literal as it will get), and tried to thank God. I opened my mouth to praise God, but the praises couldn't come out. All that came out was lament. Lament, after lament. The song "Blessed Be the Name of the Lord" kept playing in my head. Did I do as the song said? That's contestable. I bet a lot of you would say no because I couldn't praise God. But I bet a few of you, like me, know that song is out of context. The song is centered around the bridge "You give and take away, yet my heart will choose to say, 'Lord, blessed be your name'." The bridge comes from the Bible, Job 1:21 to be exact. But read the context of the verse. When Job says that line, he's not prasing God, as we do in the song. Rather, Job is lamenting to God! So I was doing the same, lamenting to God, and I think, I hope, I pray that God appreciates that I am honest with my feelings.

A lot of my laments led to questions. Not doubts, just questions. You've heard the most common one: why? Then came accusations. But none of them were legit. I cried out, "But you promised!" but thinking about it, God really didn't promise. I can't claim God's promises when it wasn't a promise by God. I cried out "It's not fair! How can they buzz in early and get it right, while we can't get a buzz in, and when we do, it results in an error!" But God replied, "Fair? What is fair? Is an AIDS epidemic in Africa fair? Is poverty in southeast Asia fair? Is genocide in Rwanda and Sudan fair? And above all, is it really fair to Me, to allow sinners who have turned against me a chance to receive eternal life in heaven?" And after that, I realized that a perfect quizzing year was the least of my worries. The Voice goes on to tell me...

(Carry on!) You will always remember
(Carry on!) Nothing equals the splendor
Now you're life's no longer empty
Surely heaven waits for you

If you follow my blog, the last time I failed out, the song that really helped me was "Save Your Voice (Quiet Down, Boy)" by the ApologetiX, a parody of "Save Your Horse (Ride a Cowboy)" by Big & Rich (thank Mike for that). A line stuck out to me: "And I wouldn't trade my reward up in Heaven's gates for success that fades or some cheap charade..." So here I am, wailing over that I'm not perfect, when there is a better perfection (if that's not a paradox) waiting for me in heaven. The Lord Jesus says to me, "I will make you perfect one day." What a wonderful thing it is to be a child of God, to know that I will one day dwell in the Lord's presence, in heaven, in the room prepared for me, in complete perfection like my Savior Jesus Christ!

That's right, I am a child of the Most High God! Because I am His child, I have been adopted into His family, and I am a co-heir with Christ. My life is truly no longer empty. I have God the Holy Spirit dwelling in me, His chosen temple. That is my reward! Beyond any shiny team trophy or any money given to the top 60 quizzers, or any title, whether it be team or individual. Why settle for less when I can have the best! I think that is what took me so far off. I lost sight of my true identity. My true identity is the one I have in Christ. It is not in myself. Because myself cannot do anything, and I am worthless. At the same time, being in Christ and recognizing that I only can function in Him, gets rid of any reason to be prideful. It's all about being in Christ.

Carry on my wayward son
There'll be peace when you are done
Lay your weary head to rest
Don't you cry no more

And yet, while my mind is concentrated on a glorious future of redemption, I still believe God has something big planned for my final year of quizzing. I don't know what, but we'll find out by the end. For now, I am not leaving the track I oringinally started on, although I might have been de-railed. There's 5 more matches left, and I'm aiming for 5 more quiz outs. While not perfect, I will have still finished the best I ever had, with the most points and most quiz outs in a year. And I pray that God will be pleased with it, my offering back to Him. Then I will be finally at peace, no longer weary, no longer crying. May God be praised.