15. Handheld Messiah

 BACKGROUND:

ApologetiX (especially bassist Keith Haynie) always had a love for Christmas. Well, by 2013, lyricist and lead singer J. Jackson had written enough parodies on the birth of Jesus to fill an album. Actually, in total, ApologetiX had enough spoofs in their library to fill 2 albums! The already recorded parodies went onto a new classic compilation album, which would be called ApologetiX Classics - Christmas. The brand new spoofs would go on a brand new album, which would be named Handheld Messiah.

TITLE:

The title Handheld Messiah sounds very close to Handel's Messiah, an orchestral piece famously played around Christmastime. It's the handheld part comes in because Jesus, the Messiah, as a baby, could be held in somebody's hands, hence he's a handheld messiah. Although probably not intended, I also think the title is very fitting because, by 2013, music had become very handheld with smartphones and MP3 players, even more than they were with a portable CD player or a cassette Walkman. Because of modern technical, you can listen to Handel's Messiah and Handheld Messiah with a handheld music device. Whether that last part was intended or not, the wordplay still makes this an excellent title.

CRITIQUE:

Handheld Messiah holds a special place in my heart. Handheld Messiah is the last album that was not a compilation of singles. All 11 tracks on this album were brand new and never released at the time this album came out in November 2013 (with some exception). All 11 tracks were recorded in studio, with no live tracks or previously recorded tracks. In a way, because of all these factors, Handheld Messiah, in my opinion is the last "good" album. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate or dislike any ApologetiX albums. I'm just saying that if I ranked all ApologetiX albums out to date (still excluding the ApologetiX Classics compilation albums), my top 15 for ranking the first 30 albums would be the same as my ranking of all ApologetiX albums, including Handheld Messiah at 15th. Oh, also this album holds a special place in my heart because the last ApologetiX concert I went to was in October 2015, and since it was fairly close to Christmas, the band played a lot of Christmas songs, and since Handheld Messiah was their most recent Christmas album, they did a lot of songs from this album. They performed them so beautifully live that I picked up this very album at that very concert.

Handheld Messiah consists of 11 tracks, which of course is very low compared their earlier albums of 18-22 tracks, but it is also low in comparison to later album, which had 12 or 13 tracks on them. It could be a matter of 11 parodies is all they had for the album and that's that. At least they didn't go the same route as Easter Standard Time by putting onto Handheld Messiah a third brand new parodies, a third re-recorded older parodies and a third compiled recent parodies.

With a name such Handheld Messiah, the theological theme of messiah must be at the forefront. Sure enough, in Handheld Messiah, the theme of messiah is indeed at the forefront. The album opens with "Messiah" (parody of "Desire" by U2), and it closes with "We Didn't Start Messiah" (parody of "We Didn't Start the Fire" by Billy Joel). Despite both songs having messiah in the title, each touches a different part of messiah theology. The parody "Messiah" sings about how the Jews in the 1st century A.D. anticipated the coming of the messiah. The Old Testament prophet foretold of it, and during the time conquest of the Romans, he could not have come at a better time. The spoof "We Didn't Start Messiah" sings about how the concept of Messiah did not start with the Jews, with the Israelites or with the Hebrews, but rather, it started with humanity. In this song, ApologetiX walks their audience through Genesis and Exodus to prove such a statement. Personally, I would have preferred the song surveying all the Old Testament for messiah, similar to how the original "We Didn't Start the Fire" surveyed recent history. J. in his journal said he did try, but there was already enough in Genesis and Exodus, so that's fair. Musically, both tracks are impressive, too. I especially love Tom Milnes's harmonica playing in "Messiah." Both of these songs had strong contention for the favorite song. In fact, if I had to rank all the songs in this album, "Messiah" and "We Didn't Start Messiah" would rank 5th and 4th respectively. Indeed, these 2 songs are definitely a strong beginning and end to the album.

"Virgin" (parody of "Urgent" by Foreigner) is the only re-recorded song on the album, originally appearing on Radical History Tour. If you read J.'s journal, he sounds outright embarrassed by this song. His embarrassment becomes evident in comparing the lyrics between the 1994 version and the 2013 version. In his journal, he jokes that the only words remaining from the original in the 2013 version is "virgin" and "snake." While the lyrics get an overhaul, the original message still remains the same. Both sets of lyrics relay the importance of virgin birth from both the original sin and Isaiah 7:14. Therefore, I do not feel like the rewrite of the parody lyrics was needed. If the embarrassment came from the instrumental parts, however, that I can understand. The Radical History Tour version is missing the sax, especially for the solo, which the Handheld Messiah version definitely has. The Radical History Tour version also seems to be absent of keys, which the Handheld Messiah version also has. The guitar part sounds much cleaner in Handheld Messiah than in Radical History Tour. While I would have preferred 11 brand new, never released parodies for Handheld Messiah, Handheld Messiah gives a new and improved take on "Virgin," so I will give it a pass.

"Cut Rate Motel" (parody of "Heartbreak Hotel" by Elvis Presley) covers how Joseph and Mary had a hard time finding a place for Jesus to be born. Basically, it tells the same story as "Hotel Can't Afford Ya" (parody of "Hotel California" by The Eagles). It's all preference of which music you like better. To paraphrase the words of J. in his journal, if "Hotel Can't Afford Ya" is not old enough for you, then you'll love "Cut Rate Motel." Personally, I love "Cut Rate Motel" for the impossible piano work of Chris Von Bartheld. Tom Tincha's guitar playing is pretty solid, too!

"Mary's Got a Son" (parody of "Janie's Got a Gun" by Aerosmith) is a wonderful example of ApologetiX redeeming a song. The original "Janie's Got a Gun" is about a girl who has murdered her father after her father abused her. The spoof "Mary's Got a Son" is about how Mary and Joseph desperately try to save Jesus from abusive Herod. The latter I can sing along with as a Christian, but the former I cannot. Thank you, ApologetiX, for giving me a version of the song I can consciously sing. You also do a good job of recreating the orchestral sound of the original.

According to J.'s journal, "One Night in Bethlehem" (parody of "One Night in Bangkok" by Murray Head) was the last song to be written and recorded for Handheld Messiah, down to the fact he was still writing and rewriting the spoof lyrics while driving to the recording studio. Also, according to his journal, he got the idea to parody this song from a DJ who thought his voice sounded like Murray Head. Well, he wasn't lying. This spoof sounds just like the original, in both the instrumental and the rapping/singing combo going on here. More importantly, I like the lyrics. I love how this song points out how strange it was for the Messiah to be born in Bethlehem. Yeah, it was prophesied in Micah 5:2, but besides that, nothing exciting happened there. David was born there, Ruth & Boaz lived there, Rachel died there. That's it. Yet God was about take that little town and make it very important with such an important gift to the world. This track was definitely in the running for favorite song. While it fell out of contention, it definitely makes the top 3.

"Excuse Me, Pal, It's Christmastime" (parody of "Purple Haze" by Jimi Hendrix) takes the Christmas theme in a totally different direction. This spoof explains how non-Christians want to take the Christ out of Christmas. This song has a very interesting backstory. Although starting in 2010, J. got spurred on more in 2011, when an atheist group from Wisconsin tried to sue his local town for putting a Nativity out in front of the city hall. With this context, anybody can understand the lyrics of the second verse. I like more, however, when the second verse gets paired with the first. Non-Christians want to remove Christ from Christmas, yet if their employer removed their paid vacation, they would be just as offended. The readings of John 15 and Psalm 2 are a nice addition to the track, and they do not interfere with the guitar solos in the middle and at the end.

"Nice Iced Pavement" (parody of "Ice Ice Baby" by Vanilla Ice) also takes the Christmas theme in a totally different direction. Instead of telling the Nativity story, "Nice Iced Payment" tells a story about a Christmas shopper who finds himself stranded due to the winter weather mix. What seems like a fun/silly paraody in the beginning ends to up to have a deep message. Don't let the busyness Christmas season stress you out. Instead, let Jesus change your attitude! Fun fact: the line "Triple A checks in but I think he’s not comin'" is inaccurate. Triple A only covers if your car breaks down for mechanical issues; it will not help you due to weather-related issues. Yes, I do know this from personal experience. Once again, this song was in the running for the favorite song, but it too fell out of content, but it would definitely make the top 3 favorite songs.

J. got the idea for "Wise Men Still" (parody of "Can't Help Falling in Love" by Elvis Presley) from the famous bumper sticker that says, "Wise Men Still Seek Him." While the song begins like it is merely retelling the story of the wise men visiting the baby Jesus, it transitions to calling a wise man as somebody surrenders everything, from talents to sins, to Jesus. In concert, ApologetiX have used this as an invitation song, and it does indeed work well as an invitation song. That "slow dance" feel allows the fan to calm down and reflect on what the song has to say, which is very important for the person who has not accepted Christ.

I did skip over 2 songs. The one song I skipped over because I don't like the original song. It just didn't feel right to judge ApologetiX's parody for something I do not like about the original song/band. The other song I skipped over is because it's my favorite song :)

FAVORITE SONG: "Christ in the Stable" (parody of "Cat's in the Cradle" by Harry Chaplin)

This song leaves a stronger impact if you know the original song. The original song tells a story of a father who never never makes time for his son when his son is young. When his son becomes an adult, he never makes time for his elderly father. Harry Chapin's song concludes, "My son turned out just like me." The ApologetiX's version is from Joseph's point of view. As he watches Jesus grows up, Joseph realizes how special Jesus is. The ApologetiX's version then concludes, "My Son turned out just like thee [Lord]" Not only does this song well explain both Jesus as God and man, but it also is an encouragement to fathers everywhere to raise a godly son. I got to hear this song at my last ApologetiX concert. When they got to the end, the entire audience gave ApologetiX a standing ovation. Yeah, sure, it just might be that crescendo at the end, which gets people to their feet, but it really is a good conclusion. Another good example of ApologetiX redeeming a song!

FINAL VERDICT: 15th.

Handheld Messiah is what Easter Standard Time should have been. It is 11 brand new, never released, fresh parodies covering a certain time from the life of Jesus. It is not ruined by reusing recently recorded spoofs, live spoofs and re-recording very old spoofs (I am being kind enough to not count "Virgin" because of the impressive improvement of the song). The album not only covers the Nativity story from different point of views, it also converses about the right attitude to have about Christmas in modern times. Time and time again, the tracks on this album redeem the original song, so the Christian can sing along with a guilty conscience. All the benefits come at a cost, though. Because ApologetiX limited themselves to just brand new and never released parodies (with the exception of "Virgin"), the album could only give 11 tracks. While the overhaul on "Virgin" was worthwhile, the message remains the same, which reminds the fan it is still a re-recording. Therefore, for the old fan, "Virgin" feels like 10 brand new and fresh parodies, with 1 re-recorded spoof. While this album for the most part has variety, having 2 Elvis songs takes the variety down a notch. Overall, a top-of-the-line Christmas album, even for a Christian parody band. Seriously, I wouldn't mind hearing all of the tracks on this album shuffled in with Christmas carols.