February holiday reflection

I was going through some of my early notes on Facebok, and it helped me realize two things. First, it made me realize how much I use to like blogging reflections, where I can just talk about what's on my mind. In the past years, due more homework and more friends than high school, I haven't been able to blog as much I can. This past summer I set up a vlog, or video log, to try to achieve the same reflective process without the time-consuming writing. But it seems like the medium doesn't matter. Either way, both take time, and I've had problems to find the time. So now that I have found a little time, let's talk. The second realization I came to while reading my old Facebook notes was what month we're in: February. A few of my earliest notes were about Valentine's Day and dating. Ok, I know this is a big "duh" but Valentine's Day happens every February. Thus, February becomes a hard month for me because it seems that no matter what my relationship status has been in the 6 months before, I always end up single by that day. So a month that has a holiday that glorifies couples is hard on the single man. I praise God that quizzing in during February because quizzing takes mind off of the holiday less and put it on quizzing more. But still, February is always the hardest month, and leads to a lot of reflection on the subject of relationships. So between reading my old blog, and thinking about how I feel now, there's a lot on my mind.

When I last time had a serious sit-down reflection time, I only had two ex-girlfriends, one from a 1-month relationship and another from a 10-day relationship. As weird as this sounds, that was when things were simple (and I use this term loosely). Why do I say things were "simple" back then? Because from that point on, things got complicated quickly. After my second ex-girlfriend dumped me, I then went a couple dates with another girl, but we stopped things before we got into a relationship, realizing both of us were still attached to our ex-es. Shortly after, my second ex-girlfriend and I tried to get back together, only to fail trying to pick things back up from where we left off, leading to us ending it permenantly (she would find a new boyfriend in a week). After that, I found myself taking interesting and flirting with two non-Christian girls over the summer, with both of them overlapping for a short time. With each one we tried to work things out, and I even went on a date with one of them, but when summer ended, so did any relationships with them (more about that later). Because four times with 4 girls (including the 2nd ex trying to get us back together) turned out a disaster, it gave me bitterness in my heart for women. All hope seemed lost until I started talking to a facebook friend I hadn't talked to in a while. We started talking more often, starting texting, and she really helped get rid of those bitter feelings about girls. We hit it off, and soon after the fall semester, we started dating. This 3rd girlfriend would last longer the second one, but not as long as the first. I considered the relationship ended when the year ended because that was the last time we really saw and talked to each other. It dragged out another 2-3 months, with me trying to win her back and her pushing away. It wasn't until late February or early March that everything ended. She said the break-up was "kinda mutual" but I feel like she wanted to dump me, but didn't have the guts to do it, so she pushed me away until I forced to do it myself, possibly so she could pose as the victim who was dumped. But that's not the issue. The issue is that 2-3 months in limbo with a "complicated relationship" (whatever that means, facebook) ended up giving me more bitterness towards women, added to 2 other ex-girlfriends and 3 girls who were something between "friend" and "possible girlfriend" (maybe that's what facebook means with "complicated relationship"). This scarred me enough to not have any interest in women at all for a couple months (aesexual, not homosexual). And then in August, something happened to me that has not happened since April 2006: I was rejected when I asked a girl out. And relationship-wise, I feel like innocence is lost, in terms of optomistic hope.

Why do I mention this to you? Why go through a somewhat embarrassing history of the relationships I've been through? Because all the questions that go through my mind have been caused by these past relationship. The first question is more an attack on Calvinism, or pre-destination in general. If you Calvinists, or anyone who believes in predestination say God has planned everything in our life, and if you believe every good thing is from God, and that God does not create evil, then has God planned, designed and predestined me to be in failed relationships? Does God predestine breakups? Does God want me to go out with girls, well-knowing it won't last and will end in a painful breakup? See, I can't say that because I don't believe it. Partially because I believe a girl and I have chosen each other when we date, but more because I believe God cannot be the cause of any evil, which includes the depression that comes with the break-ups. But I also believe that God can, and does, take an evil, and make good come out of it. God does not want me to be in failed relationships, but when he allows me to do so, he has made sure I've learned a lesson to prevent further hurt in the future. Let me tell you.

The first lesson is that the faith is not worth giving up for girls. This will give me time to explain the sumer of the non-Christian girls. After a disaster of my second girlfriend (who was Christian) dumping me, a failed attempt to start a relationship with a Christians girl, and then my second girlfriend trying to restart our relationship, only to leave again, not only made me upset about girls, but upset about Christian girls. To me, it seemed these Christian girls were not acting Christian in the areas of flirting, dating and breakups. And it got me wondering, "Why is it a big deal to make sure I'm dating another believer if she's just going to act like a non-believer? Might as well date a non-believer. At least I can say she doesn't know better." Another lure was the fact that these non-Christian girls liked things that most typical Christian girls don't like (not saying they are sinful activities; just something not sinful that it seems like Christian girls aren't interested in). The one girl liked football. The other girl liked video games. It's hard enough find a girl who likes football or video games; it's even harder finding a CHRISTIAN girl who likes video games or football. The fact that they had something in common with me that was hard to find among the Christians is what enticed me. I knew what the Bible said about uneven yoking, but I went hoping that I would convert them to Christians through dating them, also known as evangedating. But by being a witness, I got two different reactions. The one girl was indifferent. When I told her about my faith, she said she had no experience with the church or the faith, but she said, and I quote, "I'll try for you." That quote is what stuck with me, resonated with me, and led me to ending things. If she attempted to be a Christian, it was for the wrong reason - me. Her faith would never be genuine. I ended things, and prayed a true Christian would truly win her over to the faith. The second girl was much different. She wasn't just non-Christian, she was an atheist. She didn't believe in God. So it started out with (and these are all paraphrases of long conversations) "well, you can have your beliefs, and I have mine", which went to midway"you can be religious in work and at church, but not when you're around me" which went to "it's either God or me". Praise be to God this is when he smacked me across the head by pointing out that obvious warning sign. We ended it. Through both reactions, I learned that summer that my faith could not be separated from my dating. In the long run, dating a non-Christian will never work out; it would cause conflict later on. Also, being a man whose head is always in the Bible, I realized how much I missed being able to have conservations about the Bible, theology and doctrine. I could never have that with a non-Christian. Besides, in the future, it would cause raised eyebrows by future employers and church pastors/elders, and could hurt finding a job or a ministry if they know I am married to a non-Christian.

Side note on that. When I look back on my "dating history" I am reluctant to show the embarrassing failed relationships. I do wonder how they make me look. It's not out of a selfish concern over my self-image; it's a concern over my witness of Christ. As a Christian, Jesus calls be to bear His image. When people see me, they should see Jesus. Do I represent Jesus well 3 ex-girlfriends and 3 complicated relationships, with the longest serious relationship lasting no more than a month? The time factor makes it worse. If someone were to know that I had 2 ex-girlfriends and 3 complicated relationships within 14 months, what does that make me look like? Does it make me look like I'm girl crazy? Does it make me look like a pimp or man-whore? With my closest friends I have explained what happened so this image doesn't come across because it's simply not true. Before graduating high school, I only had one girlfriend. In between the serious girlfriends, at least a year has gone by (that pattern is still continuing - 14 months since my last girlfriend). Why so much time? I don't easily get over girls, it takes me a while, because I care about them as people. I feel like I might possibly making the mistakes most people make whne they start dating in high school. Because I really didn't date in high school, I might be making those critical mistakes in college. But that's another point; let's keep going in order.

The second lesson is that the ministry is not worth giving up. This one was learned with my second girlfriend. She told me about her dreams of living in New York City, with her two children and her 2 dogs, as a veterinary assistant. But I know from previous experiences (which was verified to me during missions week this year), that I am to stay put in Pennsylvania, and not go any further out of state than Ohio. This was an obvious conflict that I knew about, even before we officially started dating. But silly me was so enraptured by the thought of finally having a girlfriend after so long, my hopes were similar to that of the non-Christian girls I liked: over time I hoped I could convince them to leave their plans for me. Looking back, I know the thought was stupid, but my dreams were too loud to listen. Even when things didn't work out the first time around, when I had a glimmer that she was coming back, I ignored the different future plans factor and went back to her. It's not until the following fall I learned that this lesson. That's why I was so sure girlfriend number 3 was the one- our futures didn't collide, but meshed well. And today I can tell you that I have learned that lesson. During the Israel trip I took an interest in a fellow student who was also part of the trip. She studied abroad the fall semester and when she was back in the spring, I was glad to see her. But talking to her, I learned God has given her a heart to serve in Europe. Far be it to me to steal her away from her calling, nor should I rebuke my calling for her. God has wonderfully equipped us and specially called us all for His workmanship in the world, which we will be rewarded for in heaven. Why give it up for marriage, which is temporary? Why give it up for one spouse, while with another spouse, we could have both?

The third lesson I've learned is to learn from my mistakes. As I have already pointed out, mistakes include attempting to date girls with different faiths and different ministries and different future plans. But I've also learned more than that. I'm a guy who needs closure. When a girl breaks up with me, I need to know why. What did I do wrong? Is there anything I could do better? The first girlfriend ended it because while I listened well, I didn't talk enough, and thus it seemed like I was uninterested in her and her life. The second girlfriend told me that while we talked enough about her, she really didn't hear about me a lot. She even said, "You sound like an interesting person, but you never took the initiative to tell me about yourself." The third girlfriend told me that I wasn't social enough for her, especially around her friends. Not keep these all in mind. Did ex-gf no. 2 complain that I was too quiet and didn't talk to her enough or I didn't seem interested in her? No because she could not. I made sure I keep the conservation going, especially asking how her life was going. Did ex-gf no. 3 complain that I was too quiet around her, that I didn't seem interested in her, nor did I not talk about myself? No, no, and no. I made sure that I kept the conservation alive, balanced between talking about herself and myself. See I have learned from my mistakes. I sometimes imagine that one day my first and second ex-girlfriend meet, and somewhat realize the common connector is that they dated. As they talk about their experiences, the first ex-gf says, "yeah, but i broke it off because he never talked enough, and I didn't know if he was really concerned about me" and the second ex-gf replies, "what are you talking about? He was always talkative, especially about me." The 1st ex-gf, instead of waiting for me to change, decided to give up instead, and missed out on a possible improved relationship. Now ex-gf 2 and ex-gf 3 meet. Once again, they talk and find out they both dated me, and start talking about that. All of a sudden, ex-gf 2 says, "yeah, but I broke it off because he never talked about himself enough" to which no. 3 replies, "What are you talking about? Graham was talked about himself, just as much as me. Our conversation was a healthy balance between the two." Ex-gf no.2 missed out on an improved relationship because moving on was better than waiting. And now if I ever find another girlfriend, if my 3rd ex-gf were to dare complain that I wasn't social around her friends, the new girlfriend would reply, "What are you talking about? He's good friends with my friends, too." I even told my 3rd ex-gf that, but she was done waiting, and just moved on. And it hurt when I found out she didn't want to wait. It's like I said above, since I didn't date during high school, I'm still working out the "bugs" that someone usually has when he starts dating. I'm learning lessons, I'm learning what works and what doesn't, and I'm waiting for the woman who will accept that.

Yet while I have learned those 3 helpful lessons, still more questions pop into my head. While I'm learning what works and what doesn't, I'm still clueless. I'm still asking myself, "What worked? What didn't? What needs to change? What should stay the same?" The worse part is that it seems like the in the case of either/or, neither works. Neither the girl I know well nor the girl I hardly know works. Neither the girl with many similarities nor the girl with few similarities work. Neither the girl with many friends nor the girl with few friends work. Neither the girl with many common friends as I nor the girl who doesn't know any of my friends work. Neither the desperate-for-a boyfriend nor the happy-single work. Neither the popular, nor the artistic, nor the intellectual, nor the preppy, nor the skater, nor the spiritual, nor the girly, nor the tomboy, no the sportsy, nor the musical, nor the dramatic, nor any girl from any clique works. I'm almost at the point where I might just try to talk a girl into working into building a relationship from nothing but the basis of that we're both Christian. But on the other side of that, I sometimes wonder if relationships, both serious and complicated, failed because of stumbling on one point; they were unwilling to accept me for who I was on one point. Do I change that? If I do, I might cease to be me, and thus become uncomfortable with myself. If I don't, I have to better accept when I lose a girl. I do have a list of 8 things that I look for in a girl. That alone leads to questions: Are these in stone or flexible? Do I need all reached, or will half reached or a quarter reached be good enough? This all seems self-centered, which leads me to a second question...

What do I have that I can offer girls? This might seem like a simple question, but it's harder than you think. I struggled with this every Valentine's Day, like I did in my last Valentine's Day blog. Sure I can say, "I'm a good Christian" but there's tons of guys who are. What do I have? I'm not athletic nor artistic. I don't have good looks or a fit body. I'm barely paying through college, so I don't have money, in the present and near future. I got nothing that attracts girls. In fact, sometimes I feel like I have more detering factors that I do helping factors. For the most part, I am introverted, while most girls are extraverted. I like keeping to myself, while most girls like being social. Girls want someone who is social with them, not keeps to himself. Girls like costly gifts, I can barely afford to pay bills, nor spend money on myself. Girls like strong men who can save them and I am weak and have problems with practical issues. Girls are emotional, and I'm more intellectual. Girls like things like proms, formals, and banquets, and I feel uncomfortable at those events. After thinking about these, I feel like I got notihng. Don't get me wrong, I like who I am because I recognize this who God made me to be. That's not the issue. The issue is if the girl likes me for how God has made me.

I also can't help but ask if the failed relationships is a sign that God wants me to be single, and by attempting to date, I am holding a high hand against him and sinning against His Will for my life. Once against, I know that sounds like a little but of Calvinistic predestination, but it might have some truth. I cannot go fully on free will on this issue. For example, let's say by my free will I choose that I want to get married and have a family. What if no one wants to marry me? Then my free will is being violated. My choice to be married is denied, and it is out of my control. But I know God is control. So can he plan for me to be married, which sounds a little more like Calvinism. Either way, we need to recognize that God has commands for everyone of every relationship status, whether single, dating, engaged, marrried, divorced or widowed. I can spout of Bible passages. In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul tells us it is better to be single than to be married. In Luke 20, Jesus says that in the new heaven and new heart, there is no marriage. In Matthew 19:11-12, it even sounds like God has predestined some to be single. Those verses all seem to be supporting singlehood over marriage. But there is still some "on the other hand..." Maybe Paul in 1 Corinthians 7, while favoring singlehood, is trying to get across the message, "whatever your relationship status is, use it for the glory of God." And if you look closely at the Matthew 19:11-12 passage, it uses the term "eunuch" as in "God has made some eunuchs" If that is true, then if God has predestined people to be single, it sounds like those predestined single people have no sex drive at all. There is not attraction to the opposite sex at all. Where am I in that mix? While sometimes annoyed at women enough that I want to be single, my heart sometimes still longs for a girlfriend and hopefully one day a wife. But as I have been reminded this week, sex itself is not evil, but it can lead to evil things. Maybe I'm suppose to be resist any attraction to the opposite sex and focus on being single to increase the ministry. But the same time, more doors might be opened to me for ministry as a married because most churches seek couples to lead ministry, for that balance of male and female. Maybe I was suppose to be only dating girls for a time, so they can be edified somehow through our short term lesson and move on to bigger things and to a good husband.

It sometimes seems that way, no lie. Fact: starting with my first girlfriend, all my ex-girfriends, those 3 girls I was in complicated relationships with and even the girl I asked out last summer all have boyfriends. As a matter of fact, the first complicated relationship is actually married. But yeah, my first girlfriend is moving in with her on-and-off boyfriend of 1-2 years (please pray for her, as she is spiritually wayward). My 2nd girlfriend has been dating the guy she started dating a week after ending it the second time with me for 2 years in April. My 3rd ex-girlfriend has been dating the guy she started dating a month or two after we were done for 11 months. They'll probably get married once he's out of the military. Both the non-Christian girls have boyfriends, too, both over half a year. I can't help but feel like Good Luck Chuck. For those of you unfamiliar with the plot line for the movie Good Luck Chuck, every time Chuck sleeps with a woman, she finds her true love with another guy. Ok, not a perverted, but it seems like all my ex-es find true love after going through me (I should almost make this a service). Maybe it just helps them realize they're not as desperate as they thought they were, maybe it helps them realize more what they want or don't want in a boyfriend and find it in the next guy. Whatever the cause, it seems like my ex-es do better than I do. And another thing, they seem to rebound faster than I do. I takes me a year to fully get over it and be brave enough to take an interest in another girl. The girls seem to find a new guy in less than a month, a matter of weeks. I take so long because my past relationships meant something to me. Did our relationship ever mean anything to her?

But the biggest question that I have to ask myself is "why is this an issue?" If you remember from my blog my freshman year, I said that I was finally satisified being single when I had friends, especially ones who were also satisfied being single too. I can't help but think that my insecurity in relationships comes from the insecurities living here at my dorm. This is probably the first semester, and maybe even the first year (this semester and last semester) that I did not want to be in my dorm or on campus. It's tough for me living in my quad. In one dorm I got a legalistic pastoral student who puts down anyone who doesn't share his exact beliefs, including his own roomate. In the other dorm, I got a guy who always thinks my music is too loud, especially on Guitar Hero, when I play it nowhere as near as loud as I do at home. In my whole section altogether, it seems like they spend hours playing Super Smash Brothers Brawl in a loud, obnoxious fashion. I know this might sound selfish, but it makes it so hard to do homework or sleep. Plus, playing the Wii is a huge stress reliver for me. But it seems whenever I might have the small chance to play Wii, they always are playing their 50th round of Brawl. I also got a section who likes open dorms to allow girls to come in. My dorm and my quad is my "manctuary," where I can get away from girls and couples. I feel like my "mantuary" is breeched and defiled when they enter. Every time I feel like I have leave my safe haven. Even my own roommate sometimes gets on my nerves. From his anger issues to crazy ideas, I have found myself frustrated with him. I've been spending more times at Lou's place. It's gotten so bad that I actually enjoyed being home winter break. Not the fact that I was at home, but rather I just wasn't in this quad for a month. I don't mean to point any fingers of blame at people, because I'm not. What I'm really doing is pointing the finger back to myself. Have I really become intolerant of people's views, feelings and actions that I can no longer live with them too long? I once heard that parallel living with someone during the college years was to prepare me for living with a spouse for the rest of my life. I seem to be failing. It's been 2 years and I'm having problems with my roommate, even to the point he keeps asking me if I want to "divorce" him. On one night when I was open to him, I had to ask him, "If it wasn't an issue of money, and if we had known each other sooner, would you have roomed with me all 4 years?" which led me to ask "Am I someone that another person can live with?" Sadly I am at the point where I have to answer "no." I easily get sick of being around too long. Combing intolerance of the guys I am with now, and the short term relationships, both serious and not, I was in, I have this utter fear that even if I get married, my wife will be demanding a divorce in a year or less because I have become unable to live with anymore. That is my fear.


See, the problem is I have is two contradicting fears: the fear of people and the fear of being alone. The fear of people is an intellectual fear - I'm always thinking that people are judging me, so I withdraw so they have nothing to judge. The fear of being alone is an emotional fear. My heart longs for emotional intimacy with someone of the opposite gender. The funny things is that the emotional fear is contradicted by the intellectual, but the intellectual fear is defended by the emotional. Intellectually, I realize I am happier by myself, and it is the emotional side that is just saying I hate being alone. But both my heart and my mind tell me to withdraw to avoid judgment. (But even more ironic my mind is starting to think by withdrawing I'm bringing that same judgment on myself.). This also isn't helping my dating life. Because of my fear of people and rejection, I withdraw and spend little time with people, and even less time with girls. If I don't even hang around girls, what's the odds of finding a girlfriend? Slim to none.


I think another contradiction is that while I want a girlfriend, I have a problem with women. Between my short relationships, show-off couples, and dimishing female friendships, I really don't like girls anymore. Now let's make sure you understand what I am saying. I am aesexual, not homosexual. When I say I don't like girls anymore, that doesn't mean I like boys instead. I do not like either, hence aesexual, meaning "without sexual desire". It is funny, though. Twice in my life I was accused of being gay. The first time was in middle school and the underclassmen years of high school. Because I spent more time with girls than boys, and that I was never flirty around the girls, but just their friends, and girls in 6th-10th grade spend a lot of time talking about boys, others assumed that I hung around them because I was gay and liked talking about boys, too. On the contrary, I was very interested in girls, had many crushes, and would talk to these female friends about these girls just as much as I listened to them talk about boys. The second time was my freshman and sophomore year of college. When some saw that I hung around guys all the time, spent little to no time with women, and when I was around girls, I wasn't openly flirting with them, they concluded I must be gay. This is a horrible assessment because I had two girlfriends during those years. What I find wrong with both of them is the expectation that if a man is talking to a woman, he must be fliriting with her, for there is no other reason to for a guy to talk to the opposite gender. Can't a boy and a girl merely be friends? Apparently not. That brings up another issue why I'm not too fond of women right now. It seems like that every time a female friend of mine gets a boyfriend, she stops talking me to and cuts off any friendship. It has led me to conclude either she is flirting with me when single and I am too stupid to recognize it, or that when these girls starting dating a guy, their boyfriend expects them to cut off all relationships with any guy who is not related to her. I don't know the cause, but I do know the effects. As my female friends find boyfriends, they dwindle down. So not only do I not have a girlfriend, I don't any friends who are female. Without any kind of connection like that, I am doomed to remain single. Excuse me for going on a tangent with that, back on subject. Like I said way above, when the Christian girls would act like non-Christian girls pre-dating, dating and post-dating, I became upset with them. When girls around campus are openly flaunting their relationships, I get angry at that girl (funny thing is I never get angry at the guy. I see him more as a victim of her.). Whenever a female does talk to me about her relationship issues, I automatically side with the guy, no matter how little I know him. I even sometimes slip with my tongue and call a woman a "ho" instead (never to their face or in public, but when referring to them privately around guys). How can I want to date when I get upset with woman? Because there is a very small glimmer of hope in my heart, that one day I will stop meeting "hos" and meet a woman. Yet don't get me wrong, my frustration with women is a mere relationship thing. I reject any of these views for women in the church, in the ministry, in the classroom and in the workplace. I treat them with respect and honor and with equality.


But still sadly I've become cold to relationships. I take bets on how long a relationship will last. I don't know what to say to people about relationships. When my sister announced to my family when her last relationship ended, I said, "Lasted longer than I thought." When two of my friends got engaged, the best that came out of my mouth "Ok." OK?? At least I didnt do what was on my mind: say to the bride-to-be, "Congratulations!" the said to the groom-to-be, "Terribly sorry." To me I see guy with a girl and think, "Game over." Back in high school I was jealous of guys who had girlfriends. Now I find myself feeling betrayed by them. I feel like they betrayed mankind (as in guys, not humankind) for a girl. I think it goes back to see the guy as the vicitm of the girl. There's this one girl is half my classes I can't stand. She is freshman girl ENGAGED to a freshman guy. She is the worst of the show-off couples And for some reason she has to tell everyone in every class how the process is going. Hello?! Not eveyone cares. Personally, I don't give a crap. I'm pretty sure that someone else who has relative dying is more important than finding your perfect wedding cake. The worst part concerns my third ex-girlfriend. Her boyfriend is in the military. I wanted her back so bad that at sometimes I had the uriah and bathsheba idea in the back of my head. I wanted to call the military and tell them to station her boyfriend in the front line at the worse places in Falleujah. It's when you hit the bottom that you finally realize how bad you are. That wouldn't make her come back, and even if it did, I would have gotten her in the wrong way, just like I did the first time. To hate couples is wrong. It would be better to tunnel vision and not see them instead of wanting the worse to happen them.

See, I told you I haved a lot on my mind. So where does this leave me? Good question. When seeking advice about it, I get the answer "Pray about it." This answer has Biblical principles, but it also seems like the automatic, generic Christian response. I can say "Pray about it" for jobs, ministries, girlfriends, best friends and other troubles. What specific advice is for this specific trouble? At least they could be a little more specific than "pray for God's will" or "Pray for a girlfriend." And that answer doesn't help either when I feel guilty for praying for what I think is a selfish reason, when there are people in the world without food, water or homes. What more can someone give me? Something that did help was a book I borrowed from a friend. It is Sex God by Rob Bell. Don't get confused by the title; the book and chapter title is just to get your attention. Only a third of the book is really about sex. Another third is about our gender in relation to God and the other third about male-female relations in general. In the book, Rob Bell looks at those Matthew 19, Luke 20 and 1 Corinthians 7 passages about singleness and compares them to passages about marriage and married couples. Rob Bell makes many statements, but three consecutives statements about my singlehood stuck out to me. First, I am not missing out. Second, God is not holding me back. Third, God has something better planned. Those "pro-single" verses (I use that term loosely) make marriage kind of belittles marriage (I also use that term loosely so it doesn't sound like I'm giving thumbs up for sexual promiscuity. I'm not). Thus, I can't be missing out on something in marriage. Therefore, no one, including myself, should look down on my because I am single. I am nothing less, with or without a girlfriend. God is not using my single status as a curse. There is no curse in being single. In fact, Paul says the being single is easier than marriage (1 Corinthians 7:25-35). So God is not to be blamed for being single. Paul also mentions that those who are single can use the benefit of being single to glorify God by being more flexible for God's plans in the ministry. I can see truth in that already. Remember what I said all the way up top? What did I say made Valentine's Day easier for me? I was quizzing. Everyone who knows me how much my heart is in quizzing. I know that sometimes quizzers who have boyfriends/girlfriends the same time they have quizzing come upon a dillema. They have to find a way to please the boyfriend/girlfriend and meet the quizzing standards. Their interets are divided (another 1 Corinthians 7 quote, lol). I had no such problem, and I put my focus into quizzing for the Lord. And with all my faith in the Lord, I believe it will be true for the rest of my life. If I remained unmarried and single for the rest of my life, God will take the time, money and love I would put forward to a wife and children and put to good use, maybe with quizzers, students or someone I'm mentoring, or even a church or ministry as a whole. Intellectually, in my mind, I know it's true. It's a head truth. Now it's a matter of making it a heart truth: a truth that is emotionally true in my heart. I was struggle with that. Sometimes when I see couples, or even just starting thinking about how single I am, I have to close my eyes, plug my ears, and repeat those 3 statments over and over again. The problem is never that I'm thinking too much, but that I'm not thinking about the right things. I take my thoughts off of God and put it on being single. This is when my walls are down, and Satan tempts me to leave the Lord and the ministry for girls. But I've learned my lesson, that neither God nor the ministry is worth giving up for a girl. So I have to patiently wait for a woman where I am not put in a place to decide either God or girl. Because every time God will win, and the girl will lose. Sometimes I feel like crying out to Jesus what Peter once said to Jesus (in a totally diferent context), "I have left everything to follow You!" and Jesus replies somewhat the same as he did to Peter, "You left that relationship for the kingdom of God" Sounds like a fair trade off to me.

Thank you for putting up with me in so many ways. And if you don't like what I have to say, I'm going to make the same defense my roomates says: "Don't pay any attention to anything I say after 1 in the morning" :-P

Valentine's Day Reflections

You're probably reading the title and thinking, "This is a little late." Well, I didn't post it on Valentine's Day because I reflected on it on Valentine's Day. I have no intention of making this a rant. I want to be open and honest with you about my thoughts and feelings. So stick with me, and I'm sorry this goes off into a rant by any chance. But if it does, I've only ranted on the holiday once before, so I've been good

First of all, let me establish my relationship history: I am currently single. I have had 2 girlfriends in the past. I don't mean to be blunt, but if I do not say this up front, none of the rest will make to sense to you. This is where the "stick with me" part comes in. And while I'm at it, and I'll establish the fact that Feb. 15 is not Singles Day. Singles get a whole week, and it's the week Sept. 14 is in, 6 months after Valentine's Day.

I'm friends with a guy at college named Brady. Brady and I look so alike we've been mistaken for twins, but that's off topic. What annoys me the most about Brady is also what I like the most about Brady. When Brady has a problem in his life, he will randomly talk over it out loud, and anyone near him can hear it. Maybe Brady looking like me is not coincidence because if he is suffering from a problem I have just like him, it's almost like looking at myself talking over my problems (no joke intended, I am serious). So on February 12, just 2 days before Valentine's Day, Brady mentioned himself being single (as well as dealing with being single), and his struggle to not be able to get a girl. And I saw that mirror reflection of me.

Valentine's Day AKA "Singles Awareness Day [S.A.D.]" Why is it Singles Awareness Day, or S.A.D.? Because on Valentine's Day, the ones that are SAD are the singles. Why? This is a holiday which is spent a lot (although not the entire thing) on boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife. And it's public. So public some people, like the Sad Singles, don't want to leave their house (or in the college student's case, the dorm). I had experienced like feelings in high school. The Public Displays of Affection were at their height on this day, so greatly I didn't want to go to school. I started thinking this same thought for college. Do I really want to leave my dorm, a safe haven of guys only and no couples? I dare not go to Lower Level Peterson! I tried to get an idea of what Valentine's Day was like on a Bible College campus. Some said it's bad, others said it was not bad at all. Some said it's not as bad as high school, others said it's fine as long as you have tunnel vision (don't go looking for the couples on purpose, and avoiding it all costs). So since I was leaving at 4, I decided it was safe to venture, but just to classes, the cafeteria for food, and then the rest of the time my dorm.

Ah, I love my dorm. And that's one of the reasons why. It's just guys. Yes, I enjoy the fact that the dorms are not co-ed, and there a place I can go to get away to just guys. Not from girls, but from couples. There not anywhere in sight. Out of sight, out of mind. And they are out of mind because it's not brought up in my quad. Out of the 8 guys in my quad (I'm including the regular visitor Brady), 6 of them are single. And from the 2 that have girlfriends (actually, for one, it's finance), I don't hear about it on a regular basis. Sure they mention them when applicable, but it's not like they are announcing it on a daily. And I am very grateful for that. Thank you guys. Thank you for not making me a part in your relationship, the audience. But back to the cool singles guys. They are awesome. With the exception of Brady (there is nothing wrong with this, and I'll get to that later), none of them complain about not having a girlfriend. Sure, I bet they have girls they like, but I'm not hearing them obsess about it, or depressed because they are not dating. They are content with being single. One guy from my section actually verified this just last night, and I know others has told me this. One even told me that he was putting off any relationship for a long time on purpose. And it's starting to change me.

These guys influenced me all fall semister. And for the first time I can officially say that I'm content with being single. It's been a big help being around these guys. It helped me realize something. I now realize the reasons I wanted to have a girlfriend, and they might be the wrong reason. It goes all the way back to high school. I was in a school of show-off couples, which treated singleness as a curse. I was incomplete, and a girlfriend would complete me. I had no close friends and thought a girlfriend would be a good one. It seemed like I couldn't find anyone who liked me, and I was desperate to find one. Being single made me feel left out, unpopular and unliked. But then coming to LBC and meeting the guys in Peterson Hall 107 changed that. They were good friends, who liked me for who I was. All the past changed. Being able to go to these guys, where I could get away without really hearing about it, I didn't think about it. I had friends. And with these good friends who wanted to hang out with me, the strong feeling of needing a girlfriend just became a weak feeling of wanting a girlfriend. It wasn't necesary in my life. Through both words and actions, I saw that they felt the same way too. And even in the worse times, I could go to my Life Connect person Louis, and he's also helped get me out of the deepest funks of being single to the greatest contentment of being single. And some of my favorite moments with him is either doing Bible studies or playing video games - it takes my mind away from girls, couples, and being single.

And ironically, all my ex-girlfriends have taught me this lesson. This goes back to Brady speaking what's on his mind. On that Tuesday the 12th, Brady was talking about the "girls who got away." In his case it was just good female friends who he could have taken it up to the next stage, but in my case, thinking about the girls who got away from me were my 2 ex-girlfriends. I don't care how pathetic this sounds, it's true: both times I have been dumped by the girl. They left me. So to me, they got away. For the most part, I have gotten over them, but there is still a teeny tiny bit that wishes one of them would come back (let's say I'm 95% over them, 5% wishes one would come back). Thinking about both of them, I realized both had something in common. Both of them, when I started dating them, could be described as "desperately single" and both of them broke up with me after realizing they were happy when they were single. Now I don't believe that to be the full truth, but I think there is truth in that. And I look back at myself, I think when I started out going with those girls, I was a little desperate. Every time we've broken up, I've not wanted to, but I'd allowed it. A girl, who I liked and turned me down once said, "You're not ready to marry until you're ready to be single." I say the same is true for dating. You're not ready to date until you are ready to be single.

So was I ready to be dating? What I mean by that, was I ready to be single? I'm not sure. I can't say I compromised any beliefs or feelings. I was still behaving like a Christian. And they were Christian. They liked me, and I liked them. They met all my requirements. My second girlfriend I didn't go out with until 15 months after dating my first girlfriend, not really liking any girl. Does that say something? So am I ready to be single again? I don't know. I'd like to say I am. I'm not too concentrated on girls. Right now, there is no single girl that I have a major crush on. Yet I find myself having minor crushes on a bunch of girls. Is it a sign of being desperate, or is it keeping me in check for liking one girl too much? I also have found myself liking girls near my sister's age, which is roughly about 4 years younger than me. Now it's nothing sexual...or maybe a better term is nothing physical. I just like them for their personality, for who they are. Is this wrong? Am I getting so desperate that I am looking at younger girls? Or is that I'm just being too influence by Mike? :-P That's a scary thought.

Here's another thing that divides me on whether I am fully content with singleness . May it be a confession to all of you. I confess that I have been using dating applications on Facebook to meet girls. I "poke" them, message them, and add a few to my friends. I've met a lot of girls this way. It mostly is online, and even more stays to just Facebook. But a few I've gotten IM screenames from. And truthfully, my last girlfriend I did not know until I met her on Facebook. It just so happened that we had a common friend who went to a common church. So yes, we met through Facebook. Now I know a lot of people are against, mostly because it's unconventional, but also the fact these people on another computer are strangers. If you're not comfortable, let me tell you this. 6 girls I asked out before I had a girlfriend. All of them I knew face-to-face and had a friendship with. All 6 turned me down. After those 6, I had my 2 girlfriends. Both met me online. Sure the shortest one only lasted 10 days, but that's 10 more days then those 6 other girls gave me.But So I'm not really against it. I can see profiles of girls, with both pictures and info, and from that choose someone who matches me or I think will be good with. Sure they can lie, but I haven't really met that problem before, and if so, I can usually tell by exchanging messages. And it helps get rid of that ackward exchange of basic information on the first date because it's all there online. Same is true for the girl. Girls can see all my information and know who I am before making a move. That leads me to a topic I said I would get back to.

As I said above, Brady does sometimes struggle with being single, and will express it out loud. On that Tuesday the 12th he mentioned looking at himself, and what could attract girls, only to draw up a blank. I drew up that same blank. You ladies reading might be a girl who received an IM in September asking you "Why would you marry me". I had gotten a dating survey for college success that asked why some woman would want to marry me. Truthfully, I didn't know why. I myself did not know why I was worth marrying. This question that took a lot of thought. It got me stumped a couple of times. I had to get help from female friends. And still thinking about it, I can't see a reason why a girl would like me. I will outwardly tell you, I am not attractive to the eyes, not athletic or fit, not musical in any sense, nor artistic in any sense. I’m not really a genius. I’m not too rich either. My sense of humor is dry slap-stick (although my last ex always thought I was funny, and still does). There is nothing I got. Of course on the survey I put "I'm a good Christian." Yeah, that is good for a Christian girl, but seriously, that's a broad category. There are a lot of guys who are Christian. So after he's Christian, the next thing is...well, it's one of the above that I don't have. So pretty much, I'm screwed. It's hard to convince a girl to like you if you have low self-esteem. Now don't get me wrong, I like me for who I am. I realize God created me the way I was because he wanted me that way, and I am satisfied with the way I am created. It's just trying to get the girl to see the same thing, and like me enough to date me. But they're not always interested in that. As Napoleon Dynamite states, they want skills. What girl is attracted to a Bible Quizzer? Let me tell you not even the Bible Quizzing girls are attracted to that. Only I am (and it's kinda made me quizzing shallow, only liking girl quizzers with high scores). Like I said: screwed. So what's a guy to do? Nothing, absolutely nothing. I have come to the point where I say to ladies, "This is me. Take it or leave it." Don't change for someone else, you'll be living a lie. Tell them to take it or leave it. And remember, God made you, so He takes it, and leaves the sin behind.

So what's this got to do with Valentine's? This is what I was thinking during Valentine's, and it all draws to some good conclusions about Valentine's. The holiday can impact you no matter what your relationship status. So what are going to take from it? Couples, are you going to flaunt your love for each other? Careful, it may hurt your single friends. Singles, are you going to complain about how much this holiday sucks? Careful, it may hurt your dating friends. Let's compromise: if dating people promise to keep their displays of affections to themselves, then single people will keep their complaining among themsleves. Deal? Deal. Couples, go off alone and enjoy the time you have for the special someone. For you single people, hang out with a large group of people from the same gender. Guys, hang out with a large bunch of guys. Girls, hang out with a large group of girls. Do what you like doing the best, fellowship and get caught up with each other. And promise that talk about the opposite sex, couples, crushes, or dating will not come up. The idea is to take your mind of those things and focus it on something you enjoy. I know some people get together a co-ed group of single people to hang out, but I think this is going the wrong way at it. At these things, people just end up pairing up for the day, and it's pretty much conforming to be like couples so you don't feel left out. It's missing the point.

So in closing I want to remind you all that everyone will be eventually married...it is stated in Revelations, it's our marriage as the church to Christ. So if you're a couple, dating or married, it doesn't matter because at the end, the marriage is null-and-void. And for you single people, don't worry if you're not married, or not dating. Give God the time. In the mean time, take that love you usually give to the significant other and share it among your friends, family, and most importantly, God. And even if you're still single by the end of your life, know that God still loves you the same. He has given His love to you, more than any spouse can. In my singleness, I've been praying to God and talking through this to Him. And I feel like he's telling me, "Graham, if you do get a wife, you will have to make some compromises. But if you stay single, I promise I will open many doors for you to procede to do My Will and what you please. And I will give you more friends so you can give that love to them." God has not abandoned the single people. He does not choose His servants based on their relationship status. Christians, let us do the same as the Lord does to us. Let us not judge people on their relationship status.

I am single, but I am also taken by the Lord because I am in a relationship with Him.

I am a virgin, am I an island?

"What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? What then? Shall we sin because we are not under law but under grace? By no means!" -Romans 6:1,2,15

First off, may I wish everyone a happy New Year. May both God bless us and we bless God in the new year.

Now it is time to talk. It is a subject that is touchy, and rather not talked about. But it has been burdening my heart recently. It is the virginity of my generation.

I am 19. Not married, not dating, but single. I still consider my generation the high school age group. And it saddens my heart to know how little we care about our virginity. Our media doesn't happen. Celebrities having babies out of wedlock, especially with 16 year old Jamie Spears now having a baby, and we just shrugg it off, and maybe get a little excited about the new child. In the same way, our generation responds to any girl getting pregnant. We shrug it off, or just focus on how excited.

It amazes me how this worldly problem is seeping into the church. I have tried my best to grow up in Christian atmosphere, being around people who also resist temptation, which helps me avoid sin. Yet since I could comprehend prematural sex, I have known of 7 girls and 2 guys who called themselves Christian (I'll give them the benefit of the doubt, although they could be weeds who like springing up among the wheat) and were sexually active. Furthermore, may I say that 4 of those girls ended up pregnant. But I do not want to emphasize that, for I don't want to say sex before marriage is only a sin if it leads to pregnancy. That would be like saying sex is only a sin if you catch an STD. Teens will have sex without ever facing any STD, while at the same time a married couple can get one. For a liberal generation that's in a liberal time period, let me be straight out and foreward to you: PREMARITIAL SEX IS A SIN!!!

We hear a lot about the santicty of marriage, but it's talking about the homosexual vs. heterosexual marriage debate. But it also refers to respecting the boundaries of marriage. How come I see Christian girls one day wearing the purity ring, and the next day they have the swollen belly? So much for the ring. You may be thinking that this happens in the secular community, too, and you're right, I've seen it when I go out to evangelize. But the difference between and us and them is big. We know right from wrong because we have God's Law. They do not. They are lost; they are blind of their sin. When I go evangelize to them, I make them realize that sin in all aspects of their life is the problem. We are different because we know right from wrong. And we were reborn, we set ourselves apart from our sinful living. As Romans 6:2 said above, we died to sin, so why are we still in it? If we have given everything to God, that includes our bodies, our virginity, our sexual activity.

So for all those out Christian teens out there who are sexually active, I am not going to judge you or condemn you. The Lord will judge you, and the Law will condemn you. Here's what I am going to do. First, I am going to show the Bible says it wrong, for any of you who doubt it. It's as clear as the 7th commandment in Exodus 20: "Do not commit adultery." Let's look back at the beginning, as in Genesis. On the sixth day, after creating the man, God did not command, "Go out and have sex. Be sexually active." Rather, he said, "Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it." (Genesis 1:28) If we remember 7th grade Health class, we remember sex is how we reproduce. God's concern was not that couples were sexually active, but rather that more humans were being produced. So may I make a hermeneutic different from normal thought and suggest this: God made sex strictly for reproduction, and nothing more. The only reason it's pleasurable is an encouragement to do it. Let's face it, we are lazy. We don't do anything unless we are benefiting from it. If God made the curse be painful sex, a lot of humans would say, "Not worth it" and the human civilization would die out due to lack of reproduction. I want to look at something else. Not as much in the Bible, but the customs in Bible terms, which will help produce a healthy exgesis. Let's start out with Genesis 2:24, when the first marriage is established. The verse says, "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh." In a B.C. wedding, the final event that bound the couple as husband and wife was a parade to the bedroom, where the father would hand his daughter off to the groom, and they would make love for the first time. What do we get out of this? Making love is a binding marriage. The first person you have sex with, the person you lose your virginity to, is now married to you because you are one flesh. This even includes minors. It doesn't matter if the state or nation recognizes it as marriage. So how many of you Christian youth out there are married? How many of you have "married" many men or women, which we all accept polygomy as sin? Isn't that a new way to put it that might cause all of you to quiver. If you've had sexual with multiple partners, in a way, you're a polygamist. Bottom line again, ADULTERY IS A SIN!!!

This is the second thing I will offer to the Christian teens who are sexually active is forgiveness. The Bible says only blasphemy against the Holy Spirit is an unforgiving sin, and adultery is not blasphemy against the Holy Spirit. You can all be forgiven, and it's not too late. I think that's the biggest lie my generation believes is forgivness has to do with the human anatomy. I cannot deny that when you physically lose your viriginity, you cannot gain it back. No doubt about it. But a lot of my generation think something like this, "Well, I lost my viriginity and now there's no turning back. So I guess I'll have sex whenever now because I can't get my virginity back. Wrong. I like to believe in not only a physical virginity, but also a spiritual virginity. This is what we as Christians have set apart to God to preserve until marriage. I believe if someone confesses their sin of adultery, and repents by stopping all sexual activity until marriage, he or she will be forgiven and the spiritual virginity will be restored. In the eyes of God, they will be virgins again. But as I said, it requires admitting you were wrong by having sex early and turning away from any sexual sin. Once again, I am not judging or condemning anyone. My generation already gets a lot of that from the generation above. I am encouraging all to do what is right in the eyes of God. There is forgiveness, and it's not too late. Do not refuse it, and don't just accept it. Gladly embrace it.

I believe it is the job for those Christian teens who are still sexually pure to encourage the others sexually pure to continue to abstain from sex, and to approach those who did not abstain, and encourage them to confess, repent, and be forgiven. They don't need more adults and elderly yelling out them for doing sin; they already have enough of that. They need encouragement from their own peers. They don't want to listen to those older, they want to listen to those around their age. Listening to the secular world is what got them into trouble, listening to the Christian peer will help them get out. It will be hard, but it will also be worth it. I can demonstrate this by telling you about a conversation I had with a Christian girl a while ago. She was 15, and sexually active with her boyfriend. She was considering going on The Pill and wanted my advice. I didn't get in her face, but I showed her why it was wrong. I explained to her the wrong was not taking the pill, but having sex with a boyfriend without first being married. I presented her all the evidence she needed. And she really did listen. That's the last I heard from her. I don't know what her decision was. But her last line will never leave me, "Thanks for caring. My other friends would just say whatever and not pay any attention to it, but because you are going against what I am doing, it shows me you care." That's what we got to start doing. Start caring. Start loving. If we start loving, we can start to show true love. For it's time our youth discover this truth: you can have sex without any love, and you can love without any sex

I want to give a final encouragement by telling everyone what I do. This is usually personal and private, but I want you both guys and girls to see what I am doing and thinking to show it is impossible. I am saving myself for marriage, and I don't need a ring to show. And as I am saving my viriginity for my wife, I am setting the standard higher to say I will only marry a virgin. If I saved my virginity to her, I want to know she did the same for me. I do not want to be an adulterer because my wife decided to mess around with other guys first, whether it be husband, boyfriend, or accquaintance. And a God as my witness, if I am 40 years old and not married, I will be the 40 year old virgin. And if I'm 70 and still not married, I will be the 70 year old virgin! Further more, I keep my dating relationships to a minimal phyiscal action. Some people go as far as beliving the first kiss should even be saved on the wedding day. In my personal convinction, I don't see that necesary, but I have high respects for those people, keeping everything to God until marriage, even the little things. And if I ever have a girlfriend like that, I will respect that and do the same. I want my relationships to be built on true love, which is communicaiton and emotion connection between a guy and a girl, nothing physical. Trust me, after both times that my ex-girlfriends broke up with me I felt guilty for any physical stuff that went on. And the first girlfriend, it was just holding hands! I just don't give away signs of affection, I only give it to those who I truly and deeply love. I wish everyone in my generation could do the same, but it seems not likely. So all I can do is pray. This past week I have been praying for those 7 girls and 2 guys. I have been praying that they cease their actions, turn back to God, and find true love. I have also been praying for their forgiveness. Then I pray the same for my generation in general. There's probably more people I know and am unaware of their sexual activity (for which I am glad, after all, ignorance is bliss) and I pray the same for them. Finally, I close my prayer by asking for strength to stay pure as long as God calls me to be and end with this line:

"May my virginity be an offering to you, O LORD, in place of those who decided it was not worth waiting."

Dating inventory

Part of LBC's freshman schedule is to take a course called "college success" or as we know it by, College Suckess. Once a week, I have to go to an hour "seminar" and take notes, get homework assignments, take no test or quizzes, and it's only worth one credit. These classes are usually on how to learn and study at college, but there has been a few others, like learning about relationships. And whenever the topic of relationships comes up, it's only a matter of time before dating is mentioned. So the homework assignment was a 16 question "relationship inventory" on dating. It took me a lot of thinking and a lot of time. Just yesterday I handed it in (the due date). But the end result I am very happy with. So here's my answers, check it out, and see what you would say to these questions

1. Do you want to get married? Why do you want to get married?

I am a follower of God. As being a follower of God, I believe that growing to be more like Him means also making my will be the same as His. I want to do what God wants me to do. So if getting married is in God’s plan for me, God will give me my wife and I will marry her. If God does not plan for me to be married, I will live out my life being single. If it was completely up to me, I think I would like to get married. I think it would be trivial to date girls or even like girls if there was no end result of marriage. I would really like that special love and companionship only a spouse could give me. Once again, as I stated above, my life’s place is surrendered to the Lord, it is completely up to Him. If He calls me to be single, so be it. The Lord God’s unconditional love is enough for me.

2. Why would someone want to marry you?

This is a question that took a lot of thought. It got me stumped a couple of times. After thinking it through with some consultation, I’ve think I’ve formulated an answer. I got hung up on this question because when thinking about it, I was only looking at worldly attributes. I will outwardly tell you, I am not attractive to the eyes, not athletic or fit, not musical in any sense, nor artistic in any sense. My sense of humor is dry slap-stick (I like Monty Python. Enough said.) With exception to a few topics, I’m not really a genius. I’m not too rich either. What would a girl find in me? This worldly view can be depressing because it looks like no woman would ever find something in me. But when I leave this worldly view, I realized how special God has made me, and if God made me to have a wife, He gave me something that would catch her attention.
I am Christian, blessed by the Father, saved by the Son, full of the Holy Spirit. If any girl is a good Christian girl who believes the same as I do, she would agree with me when I say it is right for Christians to marry other Christians. She can know I am Christian who will help her grow in her relationship with Christ. But that does seem to me something every Christian should want in a man, and even the phrase “Christian man” is broad. It could cover a whole range of men. I am deeply into the Scriptures. My heart’s desire is to get to know The Lord better by knowing The Word better. I accept The Word as God-breathed, inerrant truth, and I am sound in my Biblical beliefs, never doubting anything. I comprehend what the Bible is telling me and I apply it to my life the best I can. I enjoy sharing my knowledge to anyone who asks and also enjoy discussions and debates on Biblical interpretation. One of the ways I use my spiritual gift of knowledge is by participating in Bible Quizzing, which I am highly ranked in and very passionate about. I also use for teaching Bible lessons and Bible studies. This is who I am. I’m not sure if this is anything that would make a girl love a guy, but hey, anything is possible with God. Girls can either take it or leave it.
I can’t tell you this as fact because it has never happened, but I think girls may want to marry me based on that I feel like I would be a good husband. I could supply for my wife in so many ways. First and foremost, I would give her so much love. I would show her in many ways many times over how much I love her. Second, I would be a provider for her, in both material things and non-materialistic things, I will give her what she needs. I would also always be there with her. I am a good listener and would always listen to her, whether it is good news or bad news, fact or opinion, intellectual or emotional. Being there for her is important. I will rejoice with her when she is happy, and be in pain with her when she is sad. Whatever problems she encounters, I will help her through all longsuffering. Finally, I am a very understand guy. I may not always agree with what my wife thinks or believes, but I will listen with an open mind and understand where she is coming from, and not let a disagreement separate us.

3. What is it that you are looking for in a spouse?

When choosing a girl to my girlfriend and future spouse, it pretty much comes down to two points. First, she needs to be Christian, which needs to be evenly yoked. I understand “evenly yoked” beyond both being believers. We have to be evenly yoked in the sense both of us are Christian. We have to be evenly yoked in spiritual maturity as well. If a newborn Christian marries someone who has been Christian for most of his life, it is one-sided. It would be great for the newborn Christian because he or she would grow tremendously from the spouse, but the spouse would get nowhere. It would not be a good idea for me to marry a newborn Christian. I would need someone on my level, a girl who I can discuss theology and doctrine with, a girl who will understand the big Biblical words I use in my speech. Uneven yoking can also happen when there is a different calling. If the guy is called to do urban ministry in the local city and the girl has been called to work in a third world country, it will not work out. Right now, this is not a problem for me since I do not know my full calling after college yet, so I’m somewhat flexible, which might be perfect for a woman who knows what she is going to do. Lastly, uneven yoking can happen with denomination and worship styles. Neither of those are really a problem for me. I am Mennonite, but I found out I can be Mennonite in any church, whether it be Baptist, Lutheran, U.C.C., Presbyterian, or non-denominational. Now in extreme cases, like difference views of salvation, might arise a problem of uneven yoking. Thinking in future tenses, it would be hard raising children where dad believes he saved by grace, and mom believes she is saved by her good deeds. That would cause problems, but minor things, like translation of the Bible, gender pronouns in the Bible or validity of spiritual gifts, it’s not going to be a problem.
The second thing I would look for in a girl to be the future Mrs. Holcomb is something I find simple and obvious. The woman needs to love me for who I am. I want a lady who can seriously and sincerely tell me, “Don’t change” because they like me for who I am. It doesn’t matter if they love me for who I am because we are similar or because we are different and she likes the differences she doesn’t have; I am fine with either. Pretty much, it comes down to finding someone who is ecstatic to be around me because I am Graham Holcomb. I think that is good for any kind of relationship. A relationship should be two people who like the other one for who they are. They should be no change in any person just for someone of the opposite sex. If there is change, it should be minimal, and still preserve the personality and the character of both people. If not, the relationship is not real, it is just a dream of what we’d like the person to be like, and most likely, the person who had to radically change is not happy. Besides these two points, I am very lenient.

4. What is the difference between a friendship and a committed serious relationship? How will you know the difference?

A committed relationship is considered serious when the relationship becomes more exclusive. In a friendship, the two are still available, while in the dating relationship, both people are considered taken. It is not right for the guy or girl to be flirting with the opposite gender anymore. In a serious committed relationship, dates are now solo instead of in groups. The boy and girl spend more time with each other than with normal friends of the opposite gender. I believe the start of this begins with either a date or a discussion agreeing to enter a deeper relationship. The relationship becomes serious and committed with maturity

5. Are you presently single? Why?

Yes, I am single. It has nothing to do with personal preferences. I feel like I have grown enough to be in a mature relationship. The reason I am single is because six girls I have asked out have all declined. The seventh girl did say yes, but a month later she ended the relationship, due to confusing reasons. That was over a year ago. I haven’t tried again since then because it is not a top priority in my life to have a girlfriend. My top priority is centering around God and His will for my life. Part of that is being encompassed by God’s love, and that unconditional love is sufficient for me. All other love is extra (but hey, who doesn’t want extra?). When being in a relationship is part of God’s plan for my life, if that is ever, then I will no longer be single.

6. Are you dating? Why?

No. Because I am single. Once again, as I stated above, I do feel like I am ready to date. It’s just not in God’s plan for my life right now, and it’s possibly because God has not revealed to me who this special lady is.

7. When is a good time to get married?

I am not sure if everyone believes the same that I do when it comes to a right time in being married, but this is how I feel. I have some personal convictions. I don’t think when to get married is a question of age, but of maturity. Both the man and the woman in the relationship need to be grown up and mature. Not only do the people in the relationship need to be mature, but the relationship itself needs to be mature. If I had to say time wise, I think a dating relationship should be between 1 ½ to 2 years long.
The couple also needs to be ready in other ways, as in living arrangements and finances. As for me personally, I want to know I can support my family to the fullest. If I am going to get married, I am going to want to have support two people. So I want to finish my education (which I plan to get a Ph. D) first, get a sound job, have some place to live in that my wife could live in as well (parents’ house does not count), have a car for transportation, have a church, and most importantly, have an income that can pay for the lives of two people. By doing this, I am not giving permission for my wife to be lazy but rather giving her more options to do with her life so that she is not constrained by income. She can do whatever job she wants to do and not have to decide on it based on the money she would be making. She could even work for the church, missions, or any kind of voluntary, non-profit organization and that would be fine because I could afford to do that with my paycheck. If we were to have kids, my wife might want to be a stay at home mother for the early years, and once the kids became old enough, she might want to homeschool them. That would be okay, too, because I would know I could afford that. The reason is that in the second half of my life, I grew up with my mom thinking she had to have a job because dad working wasn’t enough. I don’t want my wife to think that.

8. What turns you off in a person of the opposite sex?

I believe in Ecclesiastes 3 strongly. There is a time and place for everything. One of my biggest pet peeves would have to be when someone does not know when is the right place and time. I would not want a girl who couldn’t distinguish the right time in place. The biggest place I notice this is when to be serious or not. I would not like a girl who is serious when everyone else is laughing and having a fun time, but at the same time I can’t stand it when during a serious time a girl would not be serious. I wouldn’t like a girl who’s obsessed with her cell phone. There’s a time to turn it off and talk to the people around you. I’m not too picky with looks, and so I would be turned off by a girl who is, whether it be how her body looks or how her clothes look on her. A little of this is okay, but obsessed with it is too far.

9. What turns you off in a person of the same sex?

The fact that a person is a guy is what turns me off. Since this is a dating survey, I’m going to assume this is a question about homosexuality. In 2004 movie Mean Girls, a quote comes out of homeschool religious boy’s mouth that says, “And on the third day, God created the Remington bolt-action rifle, so that Man could fight the dinosaurs, and the homosexuals.” This quote is obviously a joke to us true Christians, but God did establish heterosexuality as far back as creation. Genesis 2:18 states, “The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him’.” This is when God made woman. Notice how God, when noticing man was alone, did not make his helper another man. He made woman. In the beginning, God intended for marriage to be between a man and women. Even in our bodily design, it was God’s intent for us to be attractive the opposite sex, not the same one. Many other times does God remind His people that homosexuality is a thing of a sinful world. Such evidence can be found in Leviticus 18:22. Being a follower of Christ, I reject this sinful practice.

10. Describe the “ideal marriage.” When does a couple begin working towards it?

An ideal marriage to me is a marriage that is near perfect. Let’s face it, there’s no such thing as perfect in this sinful world, and that includes marriage. In an ideal marriage, love is always present, no matter what trials come. The love should also be near unconditional. Most likely it won’t be perfectly unconditional like God’s love, but the love should not stop due to slight turbulence in the relationship. When the trials do come, the couple should work together to stay strong. When conflict arises, the couple must work things out. In an ideal marriage, both are able to grow spiritually off each other. In an ideal marriage, communication is key. Both people must be fully open and not be keeping secrets on anything, especially how they feel.
The path towards ideal marriage beings with dating, as soon as the first date. I believe dating is trivial if there is no end goal, that goal being marriage. The whole dating process should be pointing towards marriage, to see if this special person is the right one to be your spouse for life. If things don’t work out, it means that this person was not the right one, but if the two have been dating for a long while and their relationship is growing and thriving, and a real strong bond is happening between the two, they are on the path for an ideal marriage and are ready to be married.

11. What pressure do you feel are on you to get into a relationship?

I do feel pressure to get into a relationship with a girl. Even from my family, both nuclear and extended this pressure can be strong. I saw this with my uncle. My uncle was single for a lot of his life, up to his mid forties. His mother and father, who are my grandmother and grandfather, did give him pressure to marry. I remember going to church with them, and when they were telling their friends that my uncle was getting married, they used phrases like “it’s about time” and “finally” and other such phrases. Now that he is married, I think their focus might go to the next eldest one who is single, which would be me. They already are starting to do this. I was going through my photo album with my grandma, and every time we came across a picture of me with a girl in it, whether the girl was in the foreground or background, she would say something like “She’s cute” or “She looks nice.” This can roughly translate into, “Go ask her out and get a girlfriend.” My mom won’t admit it, but she is turning into her mother in so many ways. This is one of the ways. I don’t know how many times she said this summer before I left for college, “By this time in my life, I was dating your father.” Once again, this could roughly translate into, “Get a girlfriend.” There is even a little bit of unspoken pressure from my younger sister. She is fifteen and a sophomore in high school. She is very social; she has friends that are both female and male. Some of her friends are dating, and she could be ready to date as well. I think it may feel awkward if my younger sister has a boyfriend before I have a girlfriend, not because of the difference in gender, but because the younger one is dating before the older one.
Of course, there is always peer pressure as well. Since everyone else is boyfriend and girlfriend, you too got to get on board with that. Your friends who are taken always want to try to get you together with a partner (sometimes I think this is because they miss trying to get someone themselves). Sometimes you even feel lower than them because you don’t have someone special. With my strong mind and will, I reject any kind of pressure, whether it is from peers, or from my family. The only I will listen to is the Heavenly Father, and He will tell me the right time because he planned out my life.

12. How many hours a week do you think about the opposite sex, marriage, etc.?

This a very interesting question. This question is so interesting, a survey and study was done to figure this answer out (probably conducting by a bunch of females). The study showed that men think about sex anywhere between every seven seconds to every thirty six seconds. That’s a lot of time to think about sex. So when it comes to men thinking about females, including a non-sexual way, it has to me more, probably about ever six seconds to every thirty three seconds. For me, that sounds too much, but by just a little. I think more about God and His Word, more about my favorite activities like Bible Quizzing, but thinking about girls does make the top three. Being single, my mind is not usually always constrained to one girl, unless I have a huge crush, so it takes up a good amount of my mind. So if I had to put this in terms of a statistic, I would say every forty seconds I think about guys. Hey, I’m a guy, just like other guys.

13. What needs could a mate meet?

A mate could provide companionship, a deep companionship. A mate would be someone special who you always have right by your side. Someone who you could share secrets and concerns with and know they are trusted. A mate would help you in times of trouble, and be there to rejoice with you when you are happy. A mate could be someone who helps you grow spiritually in the Spirit of the Lord as well.

14. In the past and possibly the present, how has and can your relationships have an effect on your future relationship?

I have been in one relationship before, but even more than that, I have been rejected by six girls for even one date. It does take a toll on your self-image and confidence. In my previous relationship, since there wasn’t only one date, the impact really is just a view on myself. I still feel like it was something I did myself, so once again, it comes back to the view of myself.

15. What are the things that you detest about the “dating scene”?

I detest a lot of things with the dating scene. I detest show-off couples. I hate it when boyfriends and girlfriends are used like a prize possession, just to be shown off, like a car or a cell phone. I don’t like when couples have to make their relationship public with any kind of public displays of affection. Not everyone wants to see that. I don’t like either how the couples somehow set themselves as better than the single ones. They aren’t. It’s like they don’t know how to react in public. Also, I think a lot of couples act like they think they are already married. It’s embarrassing when things don’t work out.

16. Are you willing to let God write your love life’s script? What does that mean to you?

Yes, I am willing to let God take control. I am very willing. I give it up fully to him. I’ve tried before doing it on my own and have failed miserably. The emotions are a roller coaster. I don’t like it and don’t want it. If the Lord wants me to be single, then I will accept it. If God wants me to find a wife, then He will send her to me. Either way, I will devote everything to the Lord. He loves me with all He has, and I deserve to give Him back all my love, single, dating or married. Jehovah’s love is sufficient for me.