17. You Can't Say Euphrates Without the 80's

 BACKGROUND:

You Can't Say Euphrates Without the 80's is the 4th of 4 albums ApologetiX released in 2015. It contains 12 tracks, all of which were previously released as singles. The entire album consists of 80's music.

TITLE:

Eh, it works. The Euphrates part of the title reminds the hearer that these are biblical parodies. Lyricist and lead singer J. Jackson counts over 50 times the Euphrates appears in the Bible, but he must be using the Newer Internation Version (2011 edition), as the NASB, ESV, and NIV 1984 ed. all put the count in the 30s. J. Jackson also cites Wikipedia to explain how the Euphrates played a major role in Babylon's fall to Persia, prophesied in the Bible. The 80's part of the Bible reminds the listener that all the songs on this album come from the 80's musical decade. And yes, you do technically say "eighties" when pronoucning the word "Euphrates." It's not the most creative, but it works.

CRITIQUE:

Again, let me go briefly off on my rant why I don't like this approach of releasing singles and then releasing the singles on an album, so you understand my bias against. While I understand ApologetiX's attempt to earn more income, especially in financially struggling times, it really doesn't work. Those who already bought the singles won't waste their money buying the song again on a CD. For those wanting a CD, they will have to delay their patience even further, while their fellow fan gets to listen to the brand new songs as soon as possible. Furthermore, when a band compiles their songs for a new album, they carefully consider how the songs go together and relate. It determines everything from how the songs are arranged on the album to even if the songs make it to the album on the first place. With these "singles compilation" albums, it feels like these songs are just thrown on the album, like they said, "Alright, we got 12 songs, let's make album." It doesn't work like that. Now to be fair, once ApologetiX got past Unconditional Releases, they got better with that, carefully considering what singles to releasing, thinking ahead to the next possible album. Some were better, while others were worse.

You Can't Say Euphrates Without the 80's is one of the better ones. The uniting theme of all these parodies is that all came from songs composed in the 80's. The album title says so, the album description says so, just listening to these songs makes it obvious these spoofs all originated in the 80's. While not the most creative unifying theme, it works. I am a little hesistant to praise it too much, though. See, this is ApologetiX's 2nd album with the theme of 80's music, with the first one being Wise Up and Rock in 2011. It's just been 4 years, and fans got another 80's themed album. To make matters worse, ApologetiX will do this again with future albums (see From Hair to Eternity, Get Rich Quick, Never Before but Then Again and Apolog80x Back From the Future). It it didn't feel overdone back then, it does definitely feel overdone now! I will also pause here to talk about another factor about that unifying theme of 80's music in You Can't Say Euphrates Without the 80's. While the title is absolutely true about all the songs coming from the 80's, it is a little deceiving. While they are all 80's songs, they are all more specifically early 80's songs, spanning from 1980 to 1983. As a matter of fact, 2/3 of this album contains original songs originally released in 1982! Reading J.'s testimony, I discovered J. graduated high school in 1982. I imagine that J. identifies the music from 1980 to 1983 as "his music" or "his generation's music." I also imagine that's the reason why ApologetiX has 6 80's albums by their 30th anniversary. Still, this alienates some of the fans. Unless you're a diehard lover of 80's music, this album may turn you off. At least this album does not alienate fans due to preferences in music genre. Fans will country and new wave as much as they will find classic rock, hard rock and soft rock, so there's a little bit of everything for those fans. While no variety in musical decade, the variety for musical genre makes it up for it.

Again, let me go through the album track by track, culminating to my favorite song at the end. As always, if I leave a song out, it's because I'm not a fan of the song, not because of ApologetiX, but because I'm not a fan of original song from the original band either. It just doesn't seem fair to judge ApologetiX for something the original band did wrong.

"I Dealt with You" (parody of "I'll Melt with You" by Modern English) is a very interesting take on the parable of the merchant who found the pearl, but it works! Praise the Lord that J.'s oldest daughter Janna reminded J. that pearl rhymes with girl! The spoof captures the lesson of the parable. The kingdom of God is worth losing family and friends because of its great value.

"Could He Choose You?" (parody of "Goody Two Shoes" by Adam Ant) reminds the listener on how God choose us, not because of what we did, but what God's Son Jesus did for us. In a way, this spoof is very much redeeming the song. In the original song, Adam Ant sings about making fun of a person who is too concerned that other people think he or she is a good person, so Adam Ant does what he wants. According to the ApologetiX parody, whether people are good or bad all depends on whether they put their faith in Christ. Also, I just love Bill Hubauer's brass playing here.

In the spoof "Nicky" (parody of "Mickey" by Toni Basil), Nicky is short for Nicodemus. This is a classic Bible story spoof from the ApologetiX. It accurately retells the story found in John 3. This is probably the best of Janna Jackson's singing to date. She actually almost sounds like Toni Basil. Heather Jackson, Ever Tanner and Julie Tanner do an excellent job with the chanting part, too.

Oh look, it's "I Love Apostle Paul" (parody of "I Love Rock 'N' Roll" by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts) again.. again... again... again... again... Yes, if we count compilation albums, live albums, medleys and singles, this is the 6th time hearing this song: Spoofernatural, New & Used Hits (Live), ApologetiX Classics - Party, 20:20 Vision (medley), the single and You Can't Say Euphrates Without the 80's. Ok, I get that "I Love Rock 'N' Roll" was made famous by Joan Jett, a female singer, so ApologetiX would naturally want to a female singer to sing it. And don't get me wrong, Janna does an excellent job sonding like Joan Jett. But have you ever wondered why men can cover the song, and it sounds so natural? That's because the song was originally by the Arrows, an all-male band. J. sounded perfectly fine on Spoofernatural for this song. A 6th time for this song was really unnecessary. That might make this my least favorite song on the album.

"Strange Cat, but..." (parody of "Stray Cat Strut" by Stray Cats) is a testimony song of sorts. J. grabs ideas from his personally life, when people didn't want to hear his gospel message when he got saved. From his life experience, the listener can also not be afraid to share his or her faith, either by word or by deed. I like how J. uses cat analogies, even though "strange cat" is just a saying.

"Keep on Loving Ruth" (parody of "Keep on Loving You" by REO Speedwagon) is another classic example of an ApologetiX spoof retelling a Bible story. In this case, it is the story of Ruth. Now ApologetiX has already told the story of Ruth with "Naomi Gonna Be with Ruth" (parody "Only Wanna Be with You" by Hootie & The Blowfish). That song, however, came from Naomi's perspective, while this song comes from Boaz's point of view. That alone changes it up. Besides, if you rather listen to 80's rock tell the story of Ruth over a 90's pop song, then you'll appreciate "Keep on Loving Ruth" more than "Naomi Gonna Be with Ruth"

"Iran (So Far Away)" (parody of "I Ran (So Far Away)" by Flock of Seagulls) is not the first spoof from ApologetiX with Iran in the title. That would go to "Iraq & Iran" (parody "Jack and Diane" by John Cougar Mellencamp) on the album Future Tense. The songs do have similarities, though. Both songs allude to the fact that Iran now is the same nation as Ancient Persia. Both songs remind the listener that Iran/Persia (fun fact: the nation was always called Iran, it's the Greeks that renamed them Persia) is just a pawn in God's bigger plan, whether they acknowledge his son Jesus or not. If you think about, all J. simply did to the title was put a space in it, and from that, he created brand new lyrics. Kudos to Todd Waites and Wayne Bartley for adding all the sound effects to make it sound like the original. Oh, and if you haven't purchased the songbook, it's worth it just to read the ancedote about what happened when J. put the phrase "Iran donation" on Paypal :-P

"Anteater" (parody of "Maneater" by Hall & Oates) is another song about naming the animals. Yes, you heard me right - another song. That other song would be "Animals I Have Begun" (parody of "Animal I Have Become" by Three Days Grace). I think there's enough difference, though. "Anteater" has its focus on the animals, while "Animals I Have Begun" put those focus on creating Eve to help Adam name the animals. Again, which one you perfer depends on whether you like your 1980's rock telling the story or 2000's rock telling the story.

In "Faithless Love" (parody of "Tainted Love" by Soft Cell), J. laments on how political correctness, especially on social media, has created a fake love. Real love, on the other hand, comes from God, and that love must be presented the way the Bible teaches. It's a hard message to preach, but we all need to do it. Fun fact: Todd Waites does all the instrumentals here, which is fitting, due to the fact most sounds on the song (both original and parody) sound like they come merely from a keyboard.

"Separate Days (To Worship God)" (parody of "Separate Ways (Worlds Apart") by Journey) is not ApologetiX's first parody coming from Colossians 2:16. They have done a handful. What separates this song (no pun intended) is what part of the verse they use. "Tasty Plants" and "Keep Your Ham to Yourself" is about the food part of the verse. "Grinch Girl" and "O Holy Night (December 5 or 6 B.C.)" is about the holiday part of the verse. "Separate Days (To Worship God)" is about the Sabbath part of the verse. Just like all those other songs taught that no one should judge you based on the food you eat or the holidays you celebrate, this song teaches that nobody should judge you based off your choice of when to celebrate the Sabbath. It's not a topic that comes up often. I think more Christians debate what is considered work (and what is not) then when to remember the Sabbath. Still, as J.'s notes point out, some people still whole-heartedly argue for a certain day for the Sabbath, and this track clearly explains the meaning of Colossians 2:16.

That leaves...

FAVORITE SONG:  "Christ's Wedding" (parody of "White Wedding" by Billy Idol)

Although 12 had past since Dan Brown wrote The DaVinci Code and 9 years since the movie came out, Christians still speculated and debated if Jesus could or would have been married. In "Christ's Wedding" (parody of "White Wedding" by Billy Idol), J. Jackson gives an apologetic (see what I did there?) to answer that question. In this song, J. points out that not 1 woman is Christ's bride, but rather, all the church is Christ's bride. In essence, J. uses the speculation and debate to teach an important truth from the New Testament. The church likes to think of itself as the body of Christ or the building of Christ, but it tends to forget it's the bride of Christ, which consists of several believers, not just 1 woman. I also applaud this spoof for its redemption of the original. The original song is very vague, so it's open up to interpretation, but the general consensus is that the song is about Billy Idol's ex-girlfriend, who ran away to marry another man, despite being pregnant with Billy Idol's child. That's just the worst thing to sing about! Way to turn it around, ApologetiX, but teaching a theological truth with the song, instead or praising sin, like Billy Idol!

FINAL VERDICT: 17th.

Unlike so many albums before it, You Can't Say Euphrates Without the 80's actually has a clearly evident unifying theme, which is all music from the 80s. In a way, this album does feel like a greatest hits from the 80's. The only problem is that all those hits come from 1980 to 1983, 2/3 of which come from 1982, which doesn't really accurately represent the decade. What does represent the decade well is the musical genre variety on it. While at the time, an 80's album may have seem like a good idea, since it was only their 2nd one (not including compilation albums), now it just feels oversaturated with 6 (7 if you count the compilation album). You Can't Say Euphrates Without the 80's fails in comparison to Wise Up and Rock, the previous 80's album, because it has more songs. If choosing between You Can't Say Euphrates Without the 80's and Wise Up and Rock for your 80's fix, get Wise Up and Rock. If you already have Wise Up and Rock, and you're looking to spend money on your next Apologetix album, for the 80's lover, I would definitely recommend You Can't Say Euphrates Without the 80's.