The first one to go was quizzing. Now you're probably thinking to yourself, "What do you mean? I saw you at quizzing this year! You're were timekeeping!" Yes, I was quizzing at quizzing last year, and yes, I did timekeep. While I am glad to volunteer and be involved in quizzing any way possible, I do have my priorities on where I want to be quizzing, and I'm not there. First of all, I wish to be a quiz coach. I can root for any team, but I want a team I can root for that I can all my own. I want a team that I can pass on my knowledge not, not only my quizzing knowledge (the "game" of quizzing itself), but also my Biblcal knowledge, to help the youth spiritually grow. I got that wonderful opportunity in 2010 through an internship at Conestoga, for which I am eternally grateful. But since 2010, I have never gotten the opportunity again. In 2011, I sent my "quizzing resume" and a "quiz coach application" out to 40 church, most of which either currently quizzed or had previously quizzed. Yet few responded, and the few that did respond were a "no thank you." So this year, I tried a different approach. I took the church I regularly attended and asked them if I could have a quiz team there. Naturally, their response was, "If you can find the quizzers, you got yourself a quiz team." So I got the Sr. High and the Jr. High youth as hyped up as quizzing as possible. But alas, I could only find 2 who were somewhat interested. So for 2013, I will once again be back to staff. But even as staff, I'm not quizmaster, I'm not judge, I'm not even scorekeeping. I'm timekeeping. I'm reduced to pressing buttons. I feel like this is a waste of my talents. I'm careful to say that because I don't want to sound prideful, arrogant or conceited, but I did have a long-time quiz coach say that to me last year when I found out that I was timekeeping for a second consecutive year.
But during my second consecutive year of timekeeping, I had already decided that I would not let any of my spiritual gift of knowledge go to waste in quizzing. I figured that writing study materials would be useless because I did not have my own team. Instead, I decided to write a devotional commentary on John, the quizzing material, because I figured that it could be helpful not only to quizzers, but to anyone wanting to learn from John. And I have to say it was beneficial in two ways. First and foremost, I learned a lot about John's Gospel than I would from writing rout memory questions. Don't get me wrong; there's much importance to learning those simple knowledge questions. In fact, I believe that real spiritual growth cannot come unless this simple knowledge is comprehended. I just think I outgrew that rout knowledge and now I am moving on to something bigger and something more my level. Second, I found myself simply enjoying writing the devotional commentary than writing quizzing questions or quizzing study material. Further proof that my mind is ready for something better.
Overall, both the timekeeping position and writing the devotional commentary over the quizzing questions, I can't help but think that I've out-grown quizzing. Once again, don't get me wrong. I loved quizzing in my past and I will cherish those memories forever. And I still love quizzing now. I wish I could stay in it forever. But we all grow out of our childhood loves, and I'm afraid that quizzing might be one of them. I fear my days with quizzing might be running short. The thought of it makes me sad.
The second end I got the first hints while watching Dr. Phil while waiting for my car to get its lube oil and filter. All of Dr. Phil's guests were young adult men who had been in college for more than five years because they wanted to be in college longer! It wasn't for academic reasons, but for social reasons. They loved their social lives at college so much they kept finding reasons (or should I say "excuses") to stay at college and keep their college social life. Some were purposely failing classes in order to take them over again, while others would keep changing their majors. That was in no way me... or was it?
The real reality of it came thanks to a facebook friend who I came to know living with him for a year in my dorm section. He was at LBC for a two-year associates in Bible. (For the sake of explaining things, we'll say he had a junior year and a senior year.) Two years later, he did graduate, right on time. But that didn't stop him from coming to LBC on a regular basis. He would visit LBC at least twice a semester: graduation and a random day during the semester. His excuse would be "to visit friends" but besides that excuse, he had no reason to be there. But as long as he had friends there to visit, he always had an excuse to come back. Thinking about this, I did some math and my calculations concluded that by May 2013, everyone that he would have known while he attended LBC would have graduated. I wondered if he knew this. Well apparently, I think he does know that because he has seemed to devise a plan to solve this problem. He began making friends with the new freshmen! Really, it's brilliant, for now he'll keeping having friends whom he'll have to visit at least once a semester. That was in no way me... or was it?
I would definitely say that my 4 year undergrad college experience was a positive experience, especially in light of the 4 years of high school before that. Even the worst days of my college experience was greater than my best days at high school. And it wasn't just academically, but also socially. I wasn't expecting it to go that well socially. Before I went to college, I had planned to move out of the dorms and into an apartment as soon as I was allowed, but by the time I had reached my senior year, I was upset that I had to move out of the dorms and away from my favorite roommate Dylan to leave in an apartment. At sometimes my last semester didn't feel like my last semester. Student teaching made me more the teacher than the student, and I only saw a few friends once a week. Although I recognize it was necessary, it wasn't the way I would have liked to end my 4 year undergrad experience.
But it didn't have to end, did it? From the beginning, even before undergrad, I had decided to go for my Ph.D in Bible. The 4 years in undergrad showed me that not only did I want it, but I kind of needed it. Conveniently for me, LBC had a graduate school which I could continue my education. It seemed perfect. I could continue my education at LBC and everything would go back to normal, both academically and socially. I would be the student once again, learning in the classroom. I could see all my friends on a regular basis. It would have seem as if that student teacher semester was just a "hiccup" and everything would continue as normal. It felt like that for the first semester or two, but not for long. Class would only happen once or twice a week, so I felt less like a student and more like a part-time student, a student on the side. What I felt the most was the social changes. As time went by, friends, one by one, graduated. As for the rest of my friends still there, they entered their upperclassmen years, with more classes, with harder classes, and now adding internships and practicums.They became very busy, I became very busy, and our schedules conflicted so much that we could hardly see each other. Maybe for lunch or dinner, but that's about it. It didn't help that I moved away, but maybe I moved away because I felt like the bonds to the college were weaking.
And then in my fall semester of 2012, it hit me. I was in the same boat as my facebook friend I mentioned above. All my college friends that I knew as "seniors" or "juniors" the year I graduated had themselves graduated. All those who I called "sophomores" were now seniors, and would be graduating in the spring. All those who I called "freshmen" were now juniors. Yeah, it's true that they won't graduate until spring 2014, but there's a problem with saying "freshmen friends." Because of student teaching, I only spent one semester with those freshmen. I really didn't get the chance to know them, and therefore, I really don't consider any of them friends. So I really feel like I don't know any of the current junior class (at least enough to call any "friends"). As for the current sophomores and freshmen, I have no idea who these people are, for they became students after I graduated. The sophomores and freshmen see me as an older person. I know this because last semester I accidently ran into one leaving the bathroom, and he apologized, "Sorry, sir." Sir? Yes, I know that the proper term to address a male stranger, but I also associate that with someone older. Am I really that much older? All in all, I feel like I've soically outgrown LBC.
What perfect time to outgrow LBC socially because at the same time, I've outgrown LBC academically. After I complete my second class of Hebrew, I would be 1 class and 1 thesis away from graduating with a Masters in Arts of Bible. But this degree would hardly get me the qualifications for the career and ministry I want. After much thinking and praying, I have decided that for the equipping I need, I have to transfer out of LBC to a seminary for my M.Div. If you would told me this in 2011, I would be sad and emotionally unwilling to make such a move, but in 2012 and 2013, I don't feel this way. I feel like I've outgrown LBC, both academically and socially. I feel like there's nothing there for me anymore, both academically and socially. Therefore, I feel like it's time to move on. But I wish it wasn't so, that makes me sad.
Speaking of social ends, I wonder if I'm coming to an end with my home church. In June, my home church's pastor, who started his tenure almost exactly the same time my family began attending the church quit. He insisted that (similar to me) God told him that he had outgrown the church and it was time for him and his family to move on. As much as I like to accept this answer, I have had hard time accepting this answer. Ever since he became the pastor, people and families of the congregation would slowly, over the years, leave the church. In the beginning, good excuses passed by to make it not look bad, but as the years past, the good excuses became bad excuses, and the bad excuses eventually become no excuses. But my issue is not with why it happened or how it happened, but more that it just happened.
The best person who could explain my canundrum would be the Greek philosopher Theseus. Theseus is most famously known for his paradox of a ship. Suppose someone built a wooden ship. As each plank decays, the builder removes the old plank and installs a brand new plank in its place. This continues until all the planks decay, get removed, and get replaced with new planks. This ships begs the questions, "Once all the planks are replace, is it the same old ship or is it a brand new ship? At what point does it cease to be the old ship and become the new ship?" Some say it's still the old ship, others say it's a new ship. Some say as long as one plank is still is present, it's still the old ship; other say that once a new plank is inserted, it's a new ship. I'm not here to answer this riddle, but it does provide an answer to what I'm experiencing.
I can't help but think my home church is like this theoretical wooden ship. Ever since the pastor (now ex-pastor) came, the planks had replaced one by one. I was fine with the planks being replaced, but the more I think about it, I was fine with the planks being replaced as long as one piece remained the same, in this case, the pastor. Then the pastor quit, and it really made me wonder if this was the same church that I began attending all the way back in 1999. Sure, there are a few people and a few families who I know have attended since I first have gone there, but is it enough to convince me that it's still the same church? I miss that old church.
Of course, there are other reason. 4 years in undergrad college meant I only spent 3 summer months and 1 winter month at the church. That really didn't change in my graduate years either. Also, being out in Lancaster and York Counties longer that back home, I found myself more involved with churches out there than back home, so much I would continue attending these church even if I was at home. I don't want to say I've outgrown the church because I could probably use the church, and the church probably could use me. Maybe a better term is I've "grown apart" from the church. Less attachment comes with less time at the church and less involvement. Don't get me wrong, I love going back to reunite with my brothers and sisters in Christ there, but that's about it. I don't see myself stay there. Maybe it's God's way of telling me to move on. But I'm still sad to see an end to the Christian fellowship I had at my home church.
Speaking of social ends, I had a lot of those those this years. The first one, the big one, actually began in the fall of 2011. Actually, you can say the end itself came in 2011. I don't need to say who it is, for everyone reading this probably knows, or at least can figure out it. Let's just say that in a blog I wrote a few years ago called "3/4 the way through, and I think it's ruining me" I predicted he would eventually leave me, and sadly I was right. (Darn it, I hate it when I'm right!) I have a lot of theories on why it ended, but I can say any of my hypothesises are true. Let's just say this: A crisis arose, and when a crisis arises, it can destroy even the best relationships. A crisis arose, and even our strong friendship could not endure it. What made it feel like an end in 2012 is that in 2012 I decided to take action. First, I forgive my friend of any wrong he might have commited against me. Once I forgave him, I realized that left all blame on me. So I did everything in my power to fix and improve myself, to show him I was truly a changed man and I wasn't the problematic young adult he saw me to be. I was even willing to give up a huge chunk of myself to him to show him how much I wanted to reconcile our friendship. I told him that I recognized I was John Mark and he was Paul, but now I wanted him to see me as Omnesius and himself as Philemon. But it meant nothing to him. He said he saw himself as Joseph and I was Joseph's brothers, just looking for reconciliation to cover my butt. I didn't reply to him, but my reply to him is that I have become Jacob, and he has become Esau. He is willing to forgive, but not willing to reconcile. This is the first time I felt like I wash forced to wash my hands. Before, when I had washed my hands, it was because I felt like I did everything to help the person, and thus, I could do no more to help than, so I wanted no more responsibility with them. This time, I washed my hands because I did everything in my power to fix my faults, and that still wasn't good enough. Last time I washed my hands, I was mad, but this time I washed my hands, and I was sad.
If you don't believe God can speak to people in dreams, then skip this paragraph and move on to the next. But if you believe God speaks in dreams, continue reading this paragraph. I was very distraught that my friend would not reconcile with me, and I still felt guilty over the matter, but God gave me revelation in a dream. I had a dream I was sharing an apartment with this ex-friend of mine. This apartment was split top to bottom; I had the left side and he had the right side. A wall divided the sides, and the enterance and exit was a single doorway with two doors. The first door, the one closer to his side was a solid steel door with a deadbolt lock. The second door, closer to my side was a steel bar door with a screen over it, also with a lock. Both doors had a typical round doorknob; the only exception was the doorknob handle was only on the ex-friend's side of the door. Only he could open either door. In the dream, he never opened the steel bar door, but he did occasionally open the solid steel door, only for "buisness," and in a hostile voice. The metaphors were clear. The solid steel door represnted that my ex-friend had cut off our relationship. The doorknob on the one side meant that he was the only one who could change that, for I did everything in my part to fix it. The steel bar door represents that if/when he does talk to me (at least, in the beginning), there will be hospitality. Once again, I can only hope and pray that he will open the both doors and reconcile.
This one is truly an end. It was not an outgrown relationship and I just moved on. This was a friendship I was hoping and praying would last time. At the least, I would receive a birthday and Christmas card from him every year. But he doesn't want it so. The irony is he set out to prove to me that Christian fellowship is necessary, important and beneficial, but he only led me to the same disappointing conclusion I have come to realize since high school. Even more ironic, he abondaned our small group, doesn't attend church regularly and left his ministry. He can't keep up with his own Christian fellowship! To further the irony, he moved in with his best friend from his undergrad, and to further intensify the irony, the final good advice he gave me was: "Let go of the past." Isn't he himself trying to hold on to the past, the "good ol' days" of undergrad by reuniting and moving in with a past friend from undergrad? But I can't blame him. Aren't I trying the same thing?
I think I might be guilty of trying exactly that. I'm guilty of holding on to the past too tightly. I have been holding on to Bible quizzing, LBC, my home church and my former friends in my former small group too tightly. Now my ex-friend accused me of holding on to negatives, like slip-ups and mistakes, but I think I've been hanging on too tight because of the positives. I'm hanging on because I feel like if I keep them, I'll be able to keep life like the "good ol' days" of Bible quizzing, LBC, church and friends. But the truth is that those past good days are gone. I'm no longer an undergrad, no longer a quizzer or a quiz coach. My small group changed constantly over 4 years, and I'm now starting to realize that my home church changed over 10 years.
The solution: move on. It's as simple as moving on. I'm already in the process. After completing my second class of Hebrew, I will be transferring out of LBC. My top credentials of colleges/seminaries I want to transfer to are that they accept most of my class credits and that they have online classes. That differs from the credentials of my undergrad search, where the top credential was that it was nearby quizzing. So you guessed it right. I am well aware this could be my last year involved with ACC Bible Quizzing. If the distance is too far from quizzing, it won't bother me. I'll pursue continuing my education more than quizzing. On the same note, if this college/seminary is far away, I see my days at my home church running even shorter than they are now. Attending there will merely be for a pleasant visit when I am home. As for my ex-friend, I will keep up with my end of the minimum friendship. I send him birthday cards, Easter cards, thanksgiving cards and Christmas cards, reminding him that I thinking about him, praying for him, and keeping him updated with my life.
Does this mean I've abandoned all my past completely? By no means! I hope and pray that my friend will seek forgiveness and reconciliation one day, and that our futures will allow our paths to cross in a good way. Until then, like I said, he'll be getting cards from me to show him I still see him as a friend. As I said above, I will visti my home church when I'm in the area. And if they ever need a guest speaker or a supply pastor, I'm more than glad to fill in. As for ACC Bible Quizzing, as long as I'm in the area and they need help, I'll be there for them. This year, they need a timekeeper, so I will happily be a timekeeper. For LBC, I'll hopefully be back for homecoming, and hopefully I'll run into my old friends. Who knows? They might even hire me when I finally have all the education I need. The operative word is "need." I'm only going to be there if God needs me and wants me to be there. If that's not the case, I will move on.
I'd usually be scared of such change, and I'd usually be unwilling and resisting to move on, but I'm not. Why? My girlfriend Carrie. She is amazing. She tells me she wants to always be with me, and she says she'll go wherever I go. It's so comforting knowing that I'll have someone beside me every step of the way. I really think she was sent from God. She is the physicall reminder that God is always with me. She is truly my "suitable helper." And she's also the reason I can't dwell in the "good ol' days" of the past. For if I were to dwell in the "good ol' days" of the past, I wouldn't be able to discover new "good ol' days," such as being a husband, a father or a homeowner. I wouldn't know of a career or new hobbies, or even the friends that come with them. I'm not afraid of the future because I have God by my side following me wherever I go, and I have Carrie beside me, following me wherever I go.
So I guess my New Year's Resolution for 2013 is first and foremost is to not look in the past, but look into the present for my future. And here's a few more resolutions for me to start 2013 off right...
- Look in the present, not the past, for my future.
- Humble myself to serve in ACC Bible Quizzing wherever I'm needed
- Transfer out of LBC and into a seminary for my M.Div
- Contribute to the ministry of Stony Brook Mennonite Church
- Keep in regular touch with the remnants of my small group from college
- Take my girlfriend Carrie on a date night at least once a week
- Write a devotional commentary on David (and maybe Samuel and Saul)
- Re-boot the Spoiler Review, my video game reviews and discussion blog
- Learn to play a real guitar. Really, this time.
- Exercise more by dancing (even if it's Kinect games)
Here are some verses that help me. I hope they help you if you come into a similar situation.
"See, I am sending an angel ahead of you to guard you along the way and to bring you to the place I have prepared." -Exodus 23:20
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” -Joshua 1:9
"Then Deborah said to Barak, 'Go! This is the day the Lord has given Sisera into your hands. Has not the Lord gone ahead of you?'” -Judges 4:14a
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